and the four right chords can make me cry

This is Tuesday night. My jury is over. All my finals are done. I have a paper, two more juries to play for, and all those last minute things to take care of. I don’t think I passed Theory, so I may be staying here a few more weeks in the summer to take it and get it over with. I’ve been in horrid moods lately. I’ve been really quite depressed and there’s no one around here who noticed enough to care or try to help me. It’s been part of that whole Unabomber things I had going on. But I started to break out of that today. A few weeks ago I started to connect with Pam, a freshman in the oboe studio. We began bonding over Gilmore Girls. They are cancelling the show after seven years, so I invited her over tonight to watch with me and hang out. She asked if she could bring her friend Josh, who also loves the show. We watched Gilmore and then House, but talked through most of House and about an hour after it. Josh and I started having mind-reading moments. The scene went something like this:

Josh: Was that that person from that thing?
Me: Yup, with that dude.
Pam: What are you guys talking about?

That happened a few times, which was very amusing. I really liked Josh and I’m starting to like Pam more and more. Pam is a Logan fan while Josh and I are both Jesse fans. They both had a good time, and we decided that next year, we’re going to pick a night and a show for them to come over to my apartment and we can hang out. I’m really excited about it, especially since I won’t have a roommate or people around on a regular basis to keep me in touch with the real world. They may be a little young, but I know I need to keep in contact with people and with the outside world. I need to make friends and put myself out there again a bit.

Manny has really been great this week. We talked a few things and I’ve been thinking about him a lot, still in context of Flambert’s ideas. It was really great to talk to him, and have him identify and recognize that something was going on with me. He knew that something was bothering me and getting under my skin. More importantly, he understood that I didn’t know or get what it was, but I knew it was there too. He also didn’t try to fix it. He just let it ride out its course. I really miss him sometimes. I wish he could be closer and I could see him more. He just gets me in a way that no one else does or ever has. And I know that only comes from years and years of crap that we put each other through. You can’t go through that much fire and ice with someone and not know their little nuances. I don’t think we’ll ever be able to make it work as lovers, as a couple. But there is something that we both get in each other. Our friendship has been tempered by blood, sweat and tears over the years and nothing can ever match that. For the first time, in the most amazing way ever, he and I were perfect in that moment. There was no fear, no hate, no desire, no lies, no hidden agendas, no uncomfortableness; we were as we should have always been. Just there. He did and said excatly what I needed to hear. He’s been so great and wonderful this past semester, I can’t even describe it.

So here’s to the 06-07 year. It was a great start that quickly went south, reached its depth and kept going down, then turned around and somehow, in these last moments of the semester and the year, things seem just right. I had some bad moments this semester, I had some really dark and ugly times. Things aren’t perfect, but I wouldn’t want things any other way.

I’m packed and I’m holding
I’m smiling, she’s living, she’s golden
and she lives for me
She says she lives for me
Ovation
She’s got her own motivation
she comes round and she goes down on me
And I make her smile
It’s like a drug for you
Do ever what you want to do
Coming over you
Keep on smiling, what we go through
One stop to the rhythm that divides you
And I speak to you like the chorus to the verse
Chop another line like a coda with a curse
I come on like a freak show takes the stage
We give them the games we play, she said
I want something else
To get me through this
Semi-charmed kind of life baby, baby
I want something else
I’m not listening when you say
Good-bye

The sky it was gold, it was rose
I was taking sips of it through my nose
And I wish I could get back there
Some place back there
Smiling in the pictures you would take
Doing crystal myth
Will lift you up until you break
It won’t stop
I won’t come down, I keep stock
With a tick-tock rhythm and a bump for the drop
And then I bumped up
I took the hit I was given
Then I bumped again
And then I bumped again, I said
How do I get back there to
The place where I fell asleep inside you?
How do I get myself back to
The place where you said

I want something else
to get me through this
Semi-charmed kinda life baby, baby
I want something else
I’m not listening when you say
good-bye

I believe in the sand beneath my toes
The beach gives a feeling
An earthy feeling
I believe in the faith that grows
And the four right chords can make me cry
When I’m with you I feel like I could die
And that would be all right
All right

And When the plane came in
She said she was crashing
The velvet it rips
In the city we tripped
On the urge to feel alive
But now I’m struggling to survive
Those days you were wearing
That velvet dress
You’re the priestess, I must confess
Those little red panties
They pass the test
So slide up around the belly
Face down on the mattress

One

Now you hold me
And we’re broken
Still its all that I want to do just a little now,

Feel myself with a head made of the ground
I’m scared but I’m not coming down, no no
And I won’t run for my life
She’s got her jaws just locked now in smile
but nothing is all right
All right

I want something else
To get me through this
Semi charmed kind of life
I want something else
I’m not listening when you say
Good-bye

The sky it was gold, it was rose
I was taking sips of it through my nose
And I wish I could get back there
Some place back there
In the place where you used to sigh

Semi-Charmed Life ~ Third Eye Blind