safe in my own skin

I’m cracked, seriously. I’m so stressed out that I’ve circled back around to not caring so much. Well, I still care, but I’m not freaking out about it. I have other things to freak out about. Like the three-day notice I was served yesterday from the landlord. Kristen was spending the night at her parent’s so I ended up texting her, a little upset, to figure out what was going on. I knew she hadn’t paid the rent cause she was waiting for her check from work. But I didn’t know that she hadn’t even talked to the landlord. Faith is probably the coolest landlord ever. I was late on my rent once, but I went over and explained it to her. She was totally understanding. She knows that most of us are college students and living on budgets. She really does try to be understanding about our lives, as much as a landlord can be.

The notice freaked me out because while Kristen is pretty responsible, she occassionally does boneheaded things and paints herself into a corner. I know she’s been trying to be more independent and not ask her parents for things, but rent is pretty important. I was annoyed about it because of everything I’ve already been through roommate crap. It felt like yet another betrayal, this time one that would end with me out on the street.

I needed to pay my May rent, so I decided I would give Kristen the chance to go sort everything out. I wanted to make sure that everything was ok and that I would have a place to live next semester. Thankfully, it all worked out. I don’t know what happened, but when I went down to the office, the landlord assured me everything was sorted out, I wasn’t getting evicted and everything was good for me still living here next year. I was a little concerned that the landlord might move me to a one-bedroom somewhere, but I really like this one. I actually have plans for the other bedroom too. Its so cool to be able to think about what I’m going to do to my apartment. My apartment, all by myself, space to call my own.

I really need to get out of this town though. I’ve been going from school to my apartment to school to apartment. I went to my uncle’s last weekend in hopes of being able to break things up a little bit, but it didn’t really help. I came back here only to realize how much I didn’t want to be here. It’s not thtat I never want to be here; I just would really like a change of scenery, a change of something. I’ve had a somewhat Unabomber existence as of late. I don’t mind dealing with people, but I really rather not. I’m relatively happy just being left the hell alone. That can’t be normal.

I was watching Dawson’s Creek the other morning while getting ready for school, and there was a snippet that caught my attention. Joey and her English professor almost had an affair. They didn’t and this part of one of their conversations caused me to purchase the mentioned book from Amazon.

JOEY: What’s the best ending in literature?

WILDER: That’s easy. Sentimental Education by Flaubert.

JOEY: And what happens?

WILDER: Nothing, really. Just 2 old friends sitting around remembering the best thing that never happened to them.

JOEY: How do you remember something that never happened?

WILDER: Fondly. You see, Flaubert believed that anticipation was the purest form of pleasure… and the most reliable. And that while the things that actually happen to you would invariable disappoint, the things that never happened to you would never dim. Never fade. They would always be engraved in your heart with a sort of sweet sadness.

My Unabomber existance makes me miss Manny. (Freud would have a field day with that one!) It makes me miss the person who knows me the best. I wish he could be here. I wish he and I could have made it work. I wish I could get over it. But I think Wilder had a point. The things that never happen are engraved in my heart with a sort of sweet sadness. It may sound convoluted, but I want to spend the rest of my life with that sort of sweet sadness, and one day sit around remembering the best thing that never happened.

I just want to feel
Safe in my own skin
I just want to be happy again
I just want to feel
Safe in my own world

But I’m so lonely
I don’t even want
To be with myself anymore

On a different day
If I was safe in my own skin
Then I wouldn’t feel
Lost and so frightened
But this is today
And I’m lost in my own skin

And I’m so lonely
I don’t even want
To be with myself anymore

I just want to feel
Safe in my own skin
I just want to be happy again

Honestly OK ~ Dido