it seems I do more harm than good

I’m so tired. Wasn’t vacation supposed to help me relax? Wasn’t it supposed to help me feel better? Seeing all my family was great; there’s no doubt about that. Seeing Brian and Manny was amazing and I loved every minute of it. But I got sick and got home late and didn’t really catch up on sleep. Then I spent a morning in the hospital and the next week preparing for Holy Week and a concert or two. Then I drove all the way home where I was bitch-slapped by news left and right. Then I had to drive back to school where Sarah isn’t talking to me.

I’m sick of it. I’m sick of her. I’m sick of her whining about her recital. I’ve had to listen to it for weeks now, practically the whole semester, and its gotten really old. It wouldn’t bother me so much, except that she has no time for anyone else’s problems. I don’t spend a lot of time talking or bitching about my problems, mainly because I don’t have that much time. School has been taking up a lot of my time (as you see from lack of updating). But there was a day when I needed Sarah. I needed a friend. It was about the time I last updated. I had just talked with Mike and had a major meltdown. I needed a girlfriend to do all those girlfriend things with (no dirty thoughts now). One day this whole damn semester I needed her to be there for me and she couldn’t handle it. I don’t mean I needed her to hold my hand and walk me to class but I needed a friend to talk to. Sarah made it very clear to me that she didn’t want to hear it or talk about it or deal with it. I’m not one to force my problems onto other people, so I just let it go. But I don’t forget that. I needed her, and she refused to be there for me. There’s something to be said about re-evaluating relationships that take and never give.

Today was crappy. I made it through the day and I got things accomplished. Woo-hoo for me. But it was a crappy day. I was tired from the drive home and the drive back to Buffalo with all the whining. There were things that happened at home that made me emotionally wrecked. I was looking forward to coming back to school and back to my world; my home. As much as I enjoyed my time at home, it wasn’t filled with the greatest of news. I just wanted to come back here and get back into school.

Except for that little bitch. She’s mad because I couldn’t make her last minute rehearsal. Everyone keeps telling me to give her a break because her recital is on Saturday but c’mon. Enough is enough. I told her on Friday I probably wouldn’t be back on Monday in time for a rehearsal. Then she gets pissy at me for not being about to drive 450 miles in three hours. I’m good, but I’m not that good. She’s informed me that there’s a rehearsal Wednesday at 9pm. I saw her today and she refused to talk to me, which at that moment was fine. I sent her a message later because I don’t see a point in trying to have a rehearsal if she won’t talk to me. I have half a mind not to show up tomorrow night unless she starts talking to me and we get a few things straightened out. She’s said somethings that really piss me off and I thought I could let them go, but I can’t. She hates my mother because my mother is a “teacher and talks too much.” Fuck you. I’m sorry you had such a crappy relationship with your mother. But I love my mom and I’ve had enough of people dumping on her. She also told me I should have just gotten over my problems and stayed in school instead of dropping out so I wouldn’t be so far behind. Fuck off. She has no fucking clue what its like to be suicidal and need to get that dealt with. She knows what its like to be depressed to a degree, but she’s never cut and she’s never been suicidal. She has no idea what I was dealing with at that point in my life.

But the worst is the realization that she wasn’t there for me when I needed her. Don’t get me wrong here, I didn’t ask her to skip classes or halt her life or drive me to an emergency room. I just needed her to listen and be there. She couldn’t handel that. Fuck off and die. Why should I work so hard to be there for you and help you when you can’t take one fucking day out of the semester to listen to me?

I put so much effort and energy into my friendships and relationships with Jenn and Mel, but they went up in smoke. I feel like the same thing is happening with Sarah. I’ve put in the effort and I’m not getting anything of out it. I’m tired and I’ve got enough on my plate and my mind right now. So the pruning will comence shortly. If you aren’t a help, you are a hinderance and therefore will be cut out.

My eyes burn from these tears
You’d think I’d learn over these years
Good things won’t last forever

So what the hell am I suppose to do
You only wanted the things I couldn’t give to you
And you had it all anyway

So take take everything and leave me scrambling
Reaching for something that wasn’t there in the first place

So take take everything and leave me scrambling
Reaching for something that wasn’t there in the first place

Tell me I’m wrong when I say
I can’t expect you to spend forever with me
I live for that single moment

I take back everything I’ve said
You wore those words on your lips
As if they meant anything anyway

Sometimes I feel I could drop off the face of the earth
It seems I do more harm than good
And I don’t know if it’s worth me loosing sleep over this

So take take everything and leave me scrambling
Reaching for something that wasn’t there in the first place

So take take everything and leave me scrambling
Reaching for something that wasn’t there in the first place

Tell me I’m wrong when I say it
I can’t expect you to spend forever with me
I live for that single moment

So take take everything and leave me scrambling
Reaching for something that wasn’t there in the first place

My Eyes Burn ~ Matchbook Romance