i could die from the words that you say

We can take a tough but survivable amount of pain now or stay together and deal with unbearable pain later. ~ Logan from Veronica Mars

The situation is different, you know, them being TV characters and my being a real person. But the thought echoes in my head. I’m sitting in my uncle’s house, basically terrified of going back to school. Well, more my apartment than my school. I’m just not looking forward to being told by my landlord that he can’t help me. I’m not looking forward to anything really. I’ve been hiding out in my uncle’s house like a felon. Tomorrow I need to go back to school and get a meeting with Tracy. I’ll need to get the letter from her and then go talk with my landlords. I really don’t want to have to go through that. At least not alone. Last week John went with me to the bank, to figure out the mess with the check. He really didn’t say much, but just his presence was enough to help me and support me. I need someone to be with me tomorrow, but no one is going to be there. I’ll be ok, because I have to be. Because this will make me stronger. Because I’m strong enough to just get through it.

K – So I’m a little cranky. Dad wanted me to go talk with the landlords on Monday, but I didn’t have a letter. And I’ve been sick. So I took some nighttime cold medicine and completely passed out until early this afternoon. So much for going back to school yesterday. But I’ll go tomorrow. Tomorrow will be Wednesday, so I’ll basically have three days to figure out what the hell I’m doing. Which is my own fault, but the past few days have really been good for me. I haven’t had a nervous breakdown and I’ve been able to get some sleep in a safe place. I know my parents won’t understand this but it is really important to me. I needed to have a couple of days without a nervous breakdown. I’m pretty sure I’ll start crying on the ride back to school. Everytime I’ve headed there, I’ve been crying. Hopefully the new apartment will help solve that problem.

But back to the quote at the beginning of the entry. Because I haven’t been having nervous breakdowns about the apartrment, I’ve been thinking about other things in my life. Things like Mike. There have been little moments in the past few days that keep smacking me in the face. The quote from Veronica Mars really hit it on the head for me though. Its gonna hurt sooner or later. Why should I wait?

Cause I don’t want to screw up a good thing, even if its just a ghost.

I really don’t know what to do and I’m even tired of talking about it, but not talking about hasn’t really helped me much. I’m starting to see things at night. Think I’m in different places with different people. I just have too much going on in my head and I don’t know how to sort it all out. I’m just tired without the lack of sleep. I’m just sick without the illness.

I’ll fix all this. Cause I have to. But the demons are circling and they won’t stay on the edges for long. They howl and scratch and I know they are hungry. They will stop at nothing to get what they’ve come for.

I guess it’s luck, but it’s the same
Hard luck, you’ve been trying to tame
Maybe it’s love, but it’s like you said
“Love is like a role that we play.”

But, I believe in you so much
I could die for the words that you say
But, I believe in you so much
I could die from the words that you say

But, you’re chasin’ the ghost of a good thing
Haunting yourself as the real thing
It’s getting away from you again
While you’re chasin’ ghosts

I guess it’s luck, but it’s the same
Hard luck, you’ve been trying to tame
Maybe it’s love, but it’s like you said
“Love is like a role that we play.”

But, I believe in you so much
I could die for the words that you say
But, I believe in you so much
I could die from the words that you say

But, you’re chasin’ the ghost of a good thing
Haunting yourself as the real thing
It’s getting away from you again
While you’re chasin’ ghosts

Just bend the pieces ‘till they fit
Like they were made for it
But, they weren’t meant for this
No, they weren’t meant for this

Just bend the pieces ‘till they fit
Like they were made for it
But, they weren’t meant for this

Chasin’ the ghost of a good thing
Haunting yourself as the real thing
It’s getting away, away, away, away from you again

Chasin’ the ghost of a good thing
Haunting yourself as the real thing
It’s getting away from you again
While you’re chasin’ ghosts

The Ghost of a Good Thing ~ Dashboard Confessional