drama of being you

How do you define when a friendship needs to end? How do you decide to end something that means so much, but hurts so badly?

Nitta is of the opinion that I need to end my friendship with Manny. At least for a time, if not forever. I’m really not sure that I can just walk away from him though. My history with Manny is what it is. And I really can’t imagine not having him in my life, in some form or another. But Nitta has a point. He causes damage to me. He overanalyzes things more than I do and makes me worse sometimes. Instead of pulling me out of a depression, he pushes me deeper. I say things like, “My life sucks” and he doesn’t seem to have the answer to pull me out of the depression. I don’t know what people are supposed to say when I say things like that, but I do know that Manny doesn’t have the right answer. He can get me home when I’m completely suicidal. But he can’t pull me out of the depression. He constantly holds the “You smashed my heart into tiny pieces and destroyed me” card over my head, whether he means to or not. He dislikes any of the guys I date because they don’t know the ‘real me’ as he puts it. They haven’t seen me at my worst. But what Manny forgets is that was my worst, and I’d rather not relive that. I don’t want to try and top that. Every time I feel myself getting to that dark place, I pull back. I know the road signs now, I know the ticks. He’s judging every guy I’m dating by their lack of seeing my depression at my worst. But I gotta be honest – depression is a very personal and secret thing. Its not something I want to share with other people. Sharing it with Manny didn’t help me or our relationship any, so why would I want to repeat all that? He acts like he’s the only one who can save me from myself, but that couldn’t be farther from the truth. Only I can save myself, I’ve learned that – if nothing else. So his constant disapproval of the guys that I date is growing old and overrated. He’s starting to wear on me more and more. He may have forgiven me, but he refuses to forget or let me forget everything I’ve done to him. I am forever the horrible girl that broke his heart. Maybe its selfish, but what about the things he put me through? He’s not the only one who went through shit. He’s not the only one suffered. I’m not belittling what he went through, but we both had our share of crap.

He’s doing me more damage than good. He wants to keep me as that crazy psychotic girl he used to date. He’s been able to move on, but he wants me to remain crazy and alone. He wants me to stay the same as he remembers me. He thinks my bad times are going to repeat. But I didn’t know anything then. I didn’t know what was wrong with me and I didn’t know how to deal with it. I know all those things now. It’s never going to be that bad ever again because I know things now. The depression may be that bad, maybe even worse. But I know that its part of the bipolarism, its not his fault or my fault or anything. I know what causes all this.

But he won’t let me forget. He won’t let me move on. Nitta sees it. DeDra sees it too. Nitta’s soft sage advice is to walk away from him. Just stay away from him for a time. I just don’t know it I can really do that. How can I walk away from a friend who is beautiful cancer? He’s so good to me, and so bad for me. How do I walk away from a friend who has never abandoned me? How do I stay friends with someone who makes my depression worse? How am I supposed to balance both of those sides? Which is stronger? Am I supposed to battle through all this and just remain with him? I don’t want to just walk away and give up, but how long am I supposed to do all this? I just don’t know.

You wanted to know just what makes me tick,
I guess I could say that,
You and your bullshit,
Are pushing me towards an explosion.
I guess you’re what drives me.

I wish I could ride you,
Drive you too fast into a sharp curve,
Break your neck like you broke my will,
The guardrail will take you home.

I guess you get caught up,
In the day-to-day,
Drama of being you.
To notice me,
And what’s become of my eyes,
The vessels are an angry red,
Just like the blood from my lips, as I chew on them.

I wish I could ride you,
Drive you too fast into a sharp curve,
Break your neck like you broke my will,
The guardrail will take you home.

I keep your picture as a reminder, of what I wish I wasnt.
It’s like a fun house mirror version of myself, through those fucked up eyes of yours.

I wish I could ride you,
Drive you too fast into a sharp curve,
Break your neck like you broke my will,

The guardrail,
The guardrail,
The guardrail,
will take you home.

Guardrail ~ Bayside