start over on monday

Karma huh? Well, I guess karma caught up with me and life came full circle. Well, not quite, but still…

I’m not sure on the whole story cause I was in my room playing Play Station (Spyro and Harry Potter). But there was some kind of little drama that blew up into being something much bigger than anyone really expected. Jason was up (technically down?) visiting Jenn and Mel along with Chase, Dana and Connors were all in our living room playing drinking games. Cause Mel loves me so much as of late, I was sitting in my room playing Harry Potter and listening to the soundtrack. (By the way, Spyro needs to be played with Cursive. Its the only way.) And suddenly there erupted this huge fight in the living room. Shouting, screaming, cursing and finally doors slamming. It ended with Mel and Chase having a pretty nasty fight basically about the way Mel treats everyone (not me in particular, but more inclusive.) I was still in my room, with my door open, playing away – keeping half an ear open. Jenn and Jason were hiding in her room, but Jenn poked her head and just raised her eyebrows. She asked if I wanted my door shut and I said a little but not all the way. On one hand, I didn’t want to stand in the hallway and flat out eavesdrop, but what I hear is what I hear. To some degree, I felt bad cause I don’t like people being unhappy. I want them to smile, drink and just get along. But let’s be honest – Mel was getting what was coming to her.

Eventually, their arguing grew to an extent where Chase slammed out of the apartment and Mel was crying in her room. I thought of going to see if I could do anything, because I did feel bad. But – I’m being perfectly honest here – I think it would have made it worse. She would have thrown in back at me and only gotten more upset. And, since we’re being honest, I was glad someone called her to the carpet. So Jenn went in and Jason came into my bedroom. He said he was lonely, but he and I did talk about this weekend and whatnot. He said he knew why I had been hiding (to some degree) in my room all weekend. He knows I don’t like to make people uncomfortable and so if my presence makes people unhappy, I’ll just quietly leave and go somewhere else. He gets that, but he agrees this is my apartment too and its crappy the way she treats me. He couldn’t believe earlier this weekend when he found out Mel still wasn’t talking to me. He thinks its stupid and so does Chase.

But I know Mel is fighting a lot of inner demons and I feel sorry for her. I know what its like to push everyone out and become a nasty ugly person. I was that person at her age. Granted it was for different reasons, but still I know how hard fighting inner demons can be. So I was stuck between a rock and a hard place – become a hard ass and take back my apartment or just let it roll over and let her ruin my apartment. I’ve been trying to carefully balance both to some degree. I don’t want to alienate Jenn from me or Mel and I don’t want to force people to chose between me and Mel. Partly cause I’m afraid they’ll choose Mel and partly cause I know how stupid that is. It seems though, I’ve done a pretty good job of balancing them. Jason said the tension in the apartment really just follows from Mel to me. He said he really doesn’t see me treating Mel badly or anything. He feels sorry for me, which I don’t like either. I don’t want people feeling sorry for me, or trying to fight my battles. Jay, by his own admission, is a meddling Jew. He wants to resolve the conflicts and help fix things. Which is sweet, but can’t always be done.

I wonder….

In my long years on this earth, I’ve realized that some things can’t be resolved overnight. Some things just can’t ever be resolved or fixed. They will always remain off, or broken or hurt. Those “off” things become part of who we are and where we come from. They just become part of life. But there are things that can be confronted and resolved and fixed and worked out. Do I let things go unresolved that really can and should be resolved more often than I should? I don’t know…..

Anyways, karma has come around. Its not fixed yet. Its not perfect. Jenn and Jason went to bed, drunk but with nothing else for them to do. Mel and Chase are out for a walk, talking. We’ll see what comes of that. I hope they work things out, because I don’t like to see people hurt. I hope somehow Mel figures out what she needs and gets any help she may need. I’m not betting this will change any of the comfortable living arrangements we have right now, cause I’m not sure she’s gonna get to that point in one night. But maybe Mel will figure out Mel and come out of this a stronger, better person.

to say that apologies only come
when mistakes are made
is to know that for the next 3 months
without hesitation
she patiently waits
to watch the season slowly pass
without a breath or a smile is to love
those same eyes focused on you for all this while

start over on monday
and everything will turn out
just the way she planned

to say clouds and skyscrapers
they remind me of her
is to see that something out of reach could bring
two people back together
to take the time to step back
and look into his past
is to search within himself
to see why nothing could ever last

start over on monday
and everything will turn out
just the way she planned

and everything will turn out
just the way she planned

i’m falling from the place where i stood
won’t someone take my hand
cause i don’t understand

and everything will turn out
just the way she planned

and everything will turn out
just the way she planned

Clouds & Skyscrapers ~ This Day & Again