my ship is sinking

I love my roommates. I really do. We work pretty well together. This has only been the second weekend with them, not even two weeks yet. I truly love living with them. They’ve promised not to make me feel like a fifth wheel. This doesn’t erase the fact that I am a fifth wheel. Jenn has Jason and Mel has Chase. I have no one. Yes, I have the cat and he’s cute, but he’s a cat. I don’t get hugs and kisses from the cat. I don’t get backrubs and meals from the cat. Even more than that, I don’t have that someone here. The more people I surround myself with, the more alone it seems I am. I’m just not convinced that I’ll ever really find that someone. I don’t know that I really believe in the fate of God. Is this the downfall of my faith? Is this the last straw, the last drop before overflowing and losing everything?

We watched Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind the other night. I’ve heard a ton of hype about this movie. I’ve heard how fucked up it was. I’ve heard how twisted and strange it was. I’ve also heard how great a film it was. I was just never in the right frame of mind to deal with a movie with that many reviews. Maybe it was too set-up in my mind. Maybe I expected something completely different. All that I knew when I sat down to watch it was that Jim Carrey was in it. I knew nothing of the storyline, which I truly believe is the best way to watch a movie. But the basic theme is that there is a boy and a girl, destined for each other, and nothing will get in their/fate’s/God’s way. Am I so cynical? So tired of being alone? So cold that I hate those movies now? I don’t want them to end up together anymore. I want to see someone suffering in the loss of a love. That never goes away. It might get easier, it might change, it might be replaced – but it never goes away on its own. I just feel very alone here. I don’t completly fit with anyone anymore. I don’t have that one person who is there for me and I’m not that one person to anyone. I used to be that person with Manny, but he and I are growing apart. On one hand, I’m sad to realise this happening, but this is neccessary for us. We both need to move on and as long as he and I are leaning on each other, we don’t have a need to lean on anyone else. And I have a secret…. I’m in love with Mike.

No one knows. Cause I can’t really admit it. It doesn’t make sense, and its certainly not healthy. The worst thing, it makes me feel more alone than ever.

All hands on deck
Don’t abandon the ship
You’ll never know what it could have been
All hands on deck my ship is sinking
Don’t let me go, don’t let me drown

A step to the right to your own rhythm
And what comes next is up to you
And I need a miracle to save me from this
And I need the angels to all pray for me
I can’t believe you

All hands on deck
Don’t abandon the ship
You’ll never know what it could have been
All hands on deck my ship is sinking
Don’t let me go, don’t let me drown

Another day, another worry breaks right through
And indecision bleeds me dry
She’s painting pictures I’m not making for her
And she’s got a vision without me in mind
I can’t believe it

All hands on deck
Don’t abandon the ship
You’ll never know what it could have been
All hands on deck my ship is sinking
Don’t let me go, don’t let me drown

All hands on deck
Don’t abandon the ship
You’ll never know what it could have been
All hands on deck my ship is sinking
Don’t let me go, don’t let me drown

The long walks on Moonlight Beach
The promises you could not keep
They’re so contagious, you’re so contagious
For all the world we did not see
And all the smiles you gave to me
They’re so contagious, so very fake…

All hands on deck
Don’t abandon the ship
You’ll never know what it could have been
All hands on deck my ship is sinking
Don’t let me go, don’t let me drown

And goodbye to you, goodbye to you, you
And goodbye to you, goodbye to you, you

Hands on Deck ~ Waking Ashland