There’s only bills and sleeping pills

I’ve been so busy lately. I feel like I never stop running. I’ve been working days in a row up at the camp, doing various duties and picking up shifts when losers don’t show for work or call out. When I’m not working, I’m doing something at church with handbells or the 8:30 service or even now the 10am service. Something always has to be done and done yesterday. We had our Summer Ring program this week during the hottest days of the year. They were at night, so that helped. But they were in the balcony of the church, which didn’t help. So hot. But everyone seemed to enjoy themselves regardless of the heat. It was fun, but it really took a lot out of me. After working all day long, I had to go teach these people. I had to be “on” and that is just tiring in and of itself. To be prepared, and know where you’re going with a point and what’s going to be taught next and answering questions and trying to help people. I really did love doing it, but its just a lot of work. I went away on vacation to my cabin for a few days which helped, but I was still getting phone calls with problems and questions about church. It annoyed me mostly because it was 8am when they called and what was I supposed to do from the cabin? I was three hours away. It just feels like the adults can’t do anything on their own. And they are all smart intelligent people! Well, sometimes.

Its very hard to work with people who are stupid or lazy or both. Too many people can’t seem to do some of the simplest tasks. The 8:30 church service is held in our Fellowship Hall. We leave the whole things set up during the week because its too much work to tear down and set up every single week. But people still need to use that room. Fine. They are allowed to use it but must set it back up the way they found it. Not too much to ask, right. Put the room back the way you found it. Basic rule of decency wouldn’t you think? There was a blood drive in that room on Monday, a rehearsal on Tuesday and bible school prep on Thursday. (And that’s another thing. The bible school leader signed out that room every Wednesday and refuses to let anyone else use it. Its the largest air-conditioned room in the building and she wants to use it to paint things. Anyways – she’s forced my handbells and Nancy’s orchestra rehearsals to practice elsewhere in the sweltering heat. And three times she’s not used that room. Stupid and inconsiderate!) Nobody reset the room. Not Monday night, not Tuesday night, not Wednesday night. Granted to some degree, if Tuesday night people did leave it the way they found it, it wouldn’t have been left right since the Monday people never reset the room. But its a waterfall effect. It ended up making three people come in Thursday night to try and fix and reset the room. It shouldn’t be like that. And lazy stupid people at work are making everyone very testy. There are some of us who work ourselves to the bone. Literally, Steve and I were both sick last week and still came in. Steve clocked almost 80 hours in last week and played an ice hockey game and god only knows what else. I think I hit around 50 or so, not including the work I had to do for church. Its absolutly insane. Thankfully people do notice and are appreciative.

The worst part of all this is the fact that I haven’t had time to see any of my friends (other than those from work) or even give them a call to make sure they are ok. For all I know, they could be dead! And I hate that. I don’t want to be that kind of friend who never calls even her closest friends or roomies. I miss them all so much, but I literally have no time. I work during the day, then have more work for church in the evening. Last week, the week I was sick, I wasn’t home until at least after 9 every night and usually didn’t get to bed until around midnight. That doesn’t help with being sick either. I miss my friends. I haven’t practiced either since I returned from Rhode Island. I haven’t had ANY time. And August is starting to fill up very fast. Work hours are going to increase since the boss is weeding out those who don’t work, or work poorly. The money is nice, but still. I’m also adding in the show across the river, for which I’m playing piano. I’ll need to be able to go to rehearsals and then do the show the week after I return from CA. Not to mention still getting the church crap figured out. Oh and getting apartment stuff figured out with my roomies for this semester. I don’t want to only talk or call them to figure out stuff about the apartment. I want to talk to them about their summers as well and see how their lives are going. And not just my roomies, but my other friends from school. I miss them all like mad and I hate the fact that I haven’t talked to them. I don’t blame them cause I haven’t called either. The situation makes me sad though.

I have too many things to do and not enough time. I think the worst part is that I thought I would have way more help from people. But instead of people helping me, I’m helping people. I’ve started to put my foot down though. Some things are just not my responsibility. Being around Steve and LeeAndra has helped because they reinforce that attitude and help remind me of it. And they are just fun people to be around.

Remember your choice.
I can hear your voice, still.
You had your fill of those little reminders.

There’s only bills and sleeping pills.
What if they’re right?
What if they’re right?
Note to self:

This, this isn’t living.
This is merely existing.

Breathe,
c’mon breathe,
just breathe.

‘It’ll all be better soon,”
you say as you cross the room
to pull up the shade.
Please don’t. (please don’t)
Please don’t for my sake.

My early morning eyes
just can’t take the light right now.
Just can’t take the life right now.

So turn out the light.
Just close the lid
and seal me in.
I’ll sleep for days and days on end.

So turn off the light
Leave me lie here in this coffin.
I’ll breathe only half as often.
So turn out the light.

This, this isn’t living.
This is merely existing

Just Breathe ~ Brandtson