feeling void paranoid

Repairing friendships can be difficult, but sometimes the most difficult thing is just to start talking. Its hard to just pick up the phone and start talking. Sometimes all it takes is a few hours, but other times years can go by. But ignoring a chance to fix a relationship, refusing to take time and try to make something work again, is just immature. I’m not going to hold grudges forever. I’m not going to remain angry for the rest of my life. I just can’t do it. And its not worth it.

Why am I talking to old friends? Because even now, after all this time of not talking, there are some things she really understands that no one else ever has or probably ever will. Being blindsided by a flashback of McN; the flashbacks of McN due to Charles leaving; she understands all of that without my having to explain it.

I thought this was going to be so much harder than it was. I don’t really know why, but I thought it was going to be stranger or…just more difficult. But we so easily slipped back into our usual roles. Things have definitly changed. We have both grown up. A lot. We are no longer children. We’ve also changed so much in the past few years. We’ve learned about ourselves and basically just grown up a lot.

I’d forgotten how comforting old friendship are. I’ve forgotten how nice it can be to talk to someone who understands me the way that she does.

How can you be talking to her?

Are you gonna be able to handle this?

Aren’t you still mad?

First off, Heather understands me in ways that no one ever has. She doesn’t understand everything about me, but I don’t understand everything about her. And guess what – that’s ok. The parts of me she understands no one else ever has. I’ve missed that feeling. Secondly, as she put it so perfectly, we’re not four anymore. Thirdly, we’re not four anymore! And to cap it off, this is my life. I will talk to and be friends with whomever I like. I’m a big girl now. I can tie my own shoes and brush my own hair. I also still have pretty good aim with my shoes.

I am really glad that she and I are able to be friends and talk again. It was great to talk to her and listen to her. We’ve always had such a good connection. We’ve abused that connection in the past, but now I think we know where the line is. So I’m happy about that. I’m also happy because she seems to be doing so much better. She’s got a great guy, which I am jealous about, but I’m so happy that she has this good relationship in her life. She deserves that and more.

And I miss Mike.

I miss him like whoa. I drunk-dialed him on Sunday night. Nitta and Ian were over (cause they actually love me). Nitta and I had decided that Sunday night we were getting completly plastered. Friday had been sort of a bust…..and let’s start that over.

Friday night I had invited a ton of people over to my house to hang out, eat, drink, be merry. A good number of people said they would show up. A good number of people never showed up. Juice, Bubba and T-Bone came over after they saw X-Men III with Spaceballs and forced us into watching it. It was a DVD which meant I had to carry my TV out from my bedroom. On some level, I felt like just telling them to get over it, but they are like children I have to babysit. If there is not something to amuse them, they will amuse themselves by screaming and singing and just being generally loud. I can only take so much of that with being sober. Carrie was also there helping me out, which was nice. Ali showed up but unfortunatly I missed Heather and Adam. I had called, but they had just left, so they didn’t know I had switched the party from Sat to Friday. My own fault. But it was really good to see Ali and catch up with her. Paul also showed up, but he was acting very weird and it was making me nuts. I don’t know what his problem was and frankly, if he wasn’t going to tell me, I didn’t care. Settle also stopped by like he promised. He was leaving for Chicago on Sunday and I wanted to see him at least once before he left. It was really hard to say goodbye to him, which was strange. I mean, he and I still talk, but not every day or about everything in our lives. And its not like I’ve been seeing him all the time lately or anything. So its not really like there’s a big hole in my life where something else used to be. But I just really miss him. I wish he was going to be here for the summer. I don’t think he knows how hard it was to say goodbye to him. Maybe because it felt like more than just a normal goodbye. He’s spending his summer working in Chicago and then has one more year at ND. Its not like I’m never going to see or talk to him again. But for some reason, it was really hard and painful. Its still bothering me. I really miss him. But it was good to see him for a while. There was one moment that I want to crystalize in my memory. There was a few minutes when Settle, Bubba, Carrie and I were all sitting on the porch talking about friends from high school. The four of us were by no means a clique in high school, but we all knew each other. It was like a perfect moment of high school reunion and being connected and sharing memories. We were together in the Class of 2002. So random, but just wonderful. Bubbe and T-Bone stayed late and sang too much, getting on my nerves that were already raw from saying good-bye to Settle and feeling ditched by the rest of my friends who never showed or called. What annoyed me most about those who didn’t show was I had made food under the assumption that people were showing and would eat. So I had burgers, hotdogs, chicken and chicken quasidillas all made waiting to be cooked and no one to eat it all. If no one was coming, I wouldn’t have made so much food. I wouldn’t have gone through all the trouble.

So Saturday, I spent most of the day in bed. I did finally get up to rehearse with people for Sunday’s church service and sort out my music. Nitta came over in the evening, but couldn’t decide if she wanted to sleep over or not. By the time I took her home, I wanted to be drunk (but was sober instead) and so tired of being around people. I felt like a caged bear being poked by a stick. Its not a good feeling, especially when I had to go play piano at church the next day. If I’m not bright-eyed and bushy-tailed on Sunday mornings, I’m forced to endure sympathetic looks from the choir members and comments that sound like this: “Awww, late night? Too much partying? Ahh, to be young again. Is this early for you?” Now I’m not a morning person, never have been. So that’s one stick through the bars. The other stick is being mad at all my “friends” who never showed. Add to that comments from people who are assuming things that I wished were actually true and you get one pissed off bear. I was just not in the best of moods. Then Nathan and I got into a fight, which just blew my lid. He was gushing about his new girlfriend. Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy for him. But it was yet another stick being pushed through my cage, reminding me yet again how single I am. So we both got pissed and I ended up banging on the church piano for a couple of hours before going back home to set up for all the people who weren’t showing up. Heather called at that point and we talked for a while. It was nice. She did want to come over, but Ali couldn’t driver her and she didn’t have wheels. Carolyn evidently doesn’t like me and Heather couldn’t talk her into coming over. I was bummed that she couldn’t come, but I understood. It was good to talk to her, and we did hang out Monday night.

I knew that Nitta and Ian would be over after 7pm. Nitta and I had a very important appointment with a bottle of Peppermint schnapps and Hershey’s chocolate syrup. She and Ian are like oil and water sometimes and it forces me into the middle. I know that they have their issues, but it seems like everytime they come over to my house, they are pissed at me and I have to choose sides. I am way more loyal to Nitta than to Ian and when it comes down to the wire, she is first. But that doesn’t mean she’s automatically always right and I’ll automatically always be on her side. She is sometimes a bitch to Ian when he doesn’t deserve it. Ian may be a jerk and an asshole sometimes, but he and I do get along fairly ok and I want him to be comfortable in my hosue. When other people are there for him to talk to and engage with, I don’t feel so bad that Nitta ignores him and tries to drag me with her. But when its the three of us and she forces him into sitting alone, it pisses me off. If he choses to be alone and is content that way, I’m fine with it. But I still want to make sure he gets food and drink and does enjoy himself somewhat. But I did have my own date with Peppermint Patty shots. I was two beers up on Nitta when they arrived and then she and I played 7/11 Doubles. I lost and drank two beers to her one. So now I was up three drinks on her and we had done a bunch of shots. I was feeling pretty good and she was only just getting there. I was looking through my phone and drunk-dialed Nathan. I asked him if he was mad at me and he said he wasn’t sure. I told him I was sorry and that I didn’t like fighting with him. He said he didn’t like it either but the timing was just bad. He was worried about his girl and stuff. I told him I was sorry again and that if he wanted to come over and drink with me and Nitta he was more than welcome. The Sons of Italy were having fireworks that night and he was on call, so he said maybe afterwards. By then I was starting to sober up, so Nitta and I decided to play another game. We played Clue and everytime we announced a suspect, we had to take a shot. It was a lot of fun, especially when the pieces started to move on the board without our touching them. We started drunk-dialing all sorts of people. I ended up calling Mike and his voice-mail actually picked up. I really didn’t expect to even get that. He sometimes shuts down his phone when he’s out on a ship. I didn’t say anything stupid or really anything that I regret at all. I told him I was drunk and that he should call me if he got a chance. I highly doubt that he’ll call, and I won’t be disappointed when he doesn’t, but its interesting nonetheless. Nathan did end up coming over. He called and said he wanted to join us in getting shit-faced. So he got there and started trying to catch up to our drunkeness.

I didn’t realize how much more alcohol it sometimes takes for me to get drunk. I already had a leg up on Nitta when she got there and then I was keeping pace, if not getting ahead of both her and Nathan. I was by no means the drunkest person there; Nitta was ahead of me in that department. She actually drunk-dialed Kaba and made me talk to her. First words out of my mouth were “Are you in jail yet?” She laughed it off, but I was being sort of serious. She asked me something and then said she missed me, which was my cue to hand the phone back to Nitta. I don’t miss her. I don’t want to talk to her ever again. But whatever, I don’t really care.

So, even though my big party weekend was a bust and I’m a little annoyed about it, I was smashed on Sunday night. I don’t even remember all the people I drunk-dialed. I know I dd-ed both of my roomies and talked to Jenn. I dd-ed Mitch too and we talked for a while. I adore him and he’s pretty miserable right now about his girl and being in his hometown without his friends. It makes me sad and I told him I wanted him to live closer so we could party together. I do miss my Fred friends. So Monday was wicked hangover morning. Nitta and I were both hurting and inhaling the coffee. I spent the day recovering and cleaning up. Monday night is when Heather and I finally got a chance to hang out.

There are parts of me that are asking a lot of the questions that my other friends are asking. Why am I talking to her again? Shouldn’t I not trust her? Won’t things be too weird? I think thing could be weird, but it really wasn’t. There is stuff about me that Heather gets that absolutly no one else gets, or has ever gotten before. She understands the parts of my bipolarism that no one else does. She also understands stuff about McN and how unnerving flashbacks can be. I do still want to know why she told Manny. I want to know that I can trust her with stuff like that. Maybe I can’t. But I think there are some questions I might need answered from her. But there is a lot that I can put behind me now and it doesn’t need to be dredged up again. No matter what else, Heather really does get some things about me. It was so good to talk with her and listening to her, I realized that she’s kind of a missing piece in my life. I’m willing to work to make this friendship work. And I think we both know where the lines are now and things will be better this time around.

Saturday what a day what a silly little day
Time to kill take a pill as I sit and contemplate
How I’d like to be around all the people in the town with their fancy cars and things
But I’ve got time

Stop pushin all your tragedies away
Each moment has got a lesson for the day
Take something with you if you drag your heels in yesterdays
Oh these Saturdays

In the haste in the grace I’ve been up to my waist
It isn’t real what you feel when you find love in a chase
I’ve been waiting for the day when someone takes me away and I never get replaced
But I’ve got time

Stop pushin all your tragedies away
Each moment has got a lesson for the day
Take something with you if you drag your heels in yesterdays
Oh these Saturdays

As I sink one more drink I am running out of ink
Feeling void paranoid about every little thing
And I wonder if I try to get up and say goodbye if I’ll have the strength to leave
Cuz I don’t have much time anymore

Stop pushin all your tragedies away
Each moment has got a lesson for the day
Take something with you if you drag your heels in yesterdays
Oh these Saturdays

Saturdays ~ Holly Brook