and they’re bleeding deadly reactions

I’m sitting at the desk of my new summer job. Its raining like there’s no tomorrow. The raindrops on the pavement are making little white fairys dance around. I was outside earlier, getting the mail, and its a warm rain. The warm summer rains where you don’t bother going inside, cause the warmth of rain is more comforting than the cold dry of the house. I was hoping for more thunder and lightning to accompy the dancing drops, but it is a relatively peaceful rain.

Its been weird lately. I’m single. I mean, really single. Not like single-but-seeing-someone. Not like single-but-complicated. Not single-but-waiting-for-him. I’m really seriously single. On some levels, its nice, really nice. I don’t have to worry about the things couples have to worry about. But it seems like everyone is twitterpated!

Twitterpated?
Friend Owl: Yes. Nearly everybody gets twitterpated in the springtime. For example: You’re walking along, minding your own business. You’re looking neither to the left, nor to the right, when all of a sudden you run smack into a pretty face. Woo-woo! You begin to get weak in the knees. Your head’s in a whirl. And then you feel light as a feather, and before you know it, you’re walking on air. And then you know what? You’re knocked for a loop, and you completely lose your head!

Am I being ornery and cranky because I’m single? Absolutly! But it is really hard to listen to my friends talk about their wonderful significants. Its hard to read “….you changed my life, baby….” and such in people’s profiles. I’m not complaining that they are happy. I’m glad they’re happy. I’m glad they’ve found someone to be. They’ve found someone to call at night before bed and miss and look forward to seeing. But I want all that too. I want to have someone to call and someone to miss. I want someone to miss me and looking forward to seeing me. I want someone to hug and hold and someone to hold hands with when no one is looking. I’m not big on PDA and I don’t have a driving need to make out in public. But there is something special about having someone to send that special smile to. Its nice to randomly see that person and get that nice warm feeling inside as you think about the previous night.

Don’t mistake me for being mad that my friends have found that. I’m not mad at them and I don’t wish they were miserable. I just wish I wasn’t miserable.

Last night, my little brother and I were talking about how we are both really good at some things and completly clueless about other things. Brian is scared that he’s missing something that other kids have. But I reminded him that he has something most other kids don’t have – he knows what he wants out of life and he’s already started working down that path. I think the same thing applies to me. I’ve spent the past few years very focused on me and getting my shit in order and figuring out how I tick. I didn’t really focus on a relationship even though I did have Mike. Sort of. But I wasn’t focused on him or on that relationship. I needed to be more focused on fixing me and figuring out who I am. I did that. I did that really well. But now I feel like I’m a step behind all my friends who are starting to settle down. Maybe not get-married-settled-down, but finding someone with whom they could someday in the future marry and such. They are all settling into long-term relationships. And I’m single. I’m alone and single. And its hard to be the third wheel. Or the fifth wheel, or the odd wheel. Its difficult to watch everyone snuggle down next to someone they love. I don’t want a one-night stand or meaningless kisses. I want someone special. And I want to be special to someone.

I’d like to think I’m not old-fashioned, but I’m also not as…progressive as some other women. I still shave my legs. I do like wearing makeup sometimes. I like it when guys hold doors open and pull out chairs. I like getting flowers and being pursued. I like getting dressed up and going out. I like making dinner and serving. But I don’t like to be controled or handled. I don’t like being treated like property or disrespected. Its a balance with me. Everything is a balance with me. I want a Christian, but not a Bible-thumping narrow-minded freak. Its a balance. Someone who is in touch with their feelings, but still a guy. Someone who gets the balance of me. I want to get their balance and their personality.

I just want someone.

Feeling like I can’t forgive, but I want to
It’s like I don’t know how to live, I’m afraid to
I used to think take them as they come, without hesitations, no
Now it’s like my head is filled with lies and persuasions

As the sun begins to fall
I hear her calling out to me
She’s sayin’ hurry
It’s one more day gone

What I wouldn’t give just to forget
So I can remember how to live again
I wanna live again

I am feeling dissonant, and distracted
The toxic chemicals are spilling in my head
And they’re bleeding deadly reactions
And as the moon begins to rise
He shows me all the colors that I’m hiding
I’m hiding myself

What I wouldn’t give just to forget
What I wouldn’t give to get some rest
So I can remember how to live again
I wanna live again

Am I desperately losing this fight
When I should really be choosing my flight
Take me now

What I wouldn’t give just to forget
What I wouldn’t give to get some rest
So I can remember how to live again
I wanna live again

What I wouldn’t give just to forget
What I wouldn’t give to get some rest
What I wouldn’t give just to forget
So I can remember how to live

What I Wouldn’t Give ~ Holly Brook