if that’s what you feel possesed to do

I’m sitting here listening to my roommate tear apart this girl because she gained some weight. She and her mother are going on and on about how this girl used to be skinny, but had a little tummy and you could always tell when she gained weight because she was so short, blah, blah, blah. She said something about how its such a shame not everyone can look as beautiful as her and her mother. I guess I’m just shocked at how shallow, inconsiderate, immature and annoying she can be sometimes. She just really thinks the world revolves around her and everything is here for her. She’ll sit and watch TV and be like “That person is just ugly. They shouldn’t be allowed out ever.” The scary thing is she’s not joking. She thinks some people are just ugly and she’s better than them because she’s so much more beautiful and whatever.

She’s cute and in shape, but her personality makes her a bitch. Flat-out, nothing left to say. She’s a bitch. She has no consideration for me when I’m sleeping. She flaunts around the room, slamming drawers and doors and whatever else gets in her way. And I’m not kidding when I say she flaunts. She does this hand up with a limp wrist thing, that would make a guy look gay and makes her look like a priss. She has no thought whatsoever to anyone else who might be around her. It’s almost fascinating to be is such close proximity to someone who is so self-centered and self-serving.

There are a few things about my soon-to-be roommates that annoys me as well. They have to take Western Cultures history class. They think its stupid. Now on one hand, I get it. Jenn is an English ed major and Mel is music business, so why do they need to understand Russian politics over the past 100 years? But Russian politics has affected both literature and music over the past 100 years quite a bit. They can’t seem to look at the bigger picture. I understand that sometimes you have a teacher who just wants you to memorize everything. That’s a teaching issue. But Jenn keeps saying that this class and this topic is an exercise in memorization, and that’s it.

I get where she’s coming from, but she’s not really even trying to understand. Mitch and I were trying to help her study last night, trying to give her a bigger picture to place these events and people in. But she kept saying “I don’t need to know that. I don’t care about that. I just need to memorize all this.” She’s not even trying! English and history are closely related and linked. Some of my best English professors seemed to have minors in history. My DCC English prof knew more about Shakespeare’s time period and history and setting than most history majors. He explained why things were done a certain why and why there are lines like “What now? I see my Romeo. He approaches.” They weren’t just annoying redunancies, they were cues. Anyways, my point is that Jenn doesn’t seem to want to be well-rounded. She wants to do English and thats it. She doesn’t care about history or elementary education. “That’s not my job.” I agree with her, but its a good thing to know something about something else besides what you know. It makes you a better person, a well-rounded individual and a more desirable employee.

And if I have to hear about her complaining about Mitch one more time, I’m going to ram his hat down her throat – while its still on his head. They are ridiculous. I’ve been trying to sort out my Manny and Mike issues (non-related) and I’ve been trying to talk to my “friends” about it, but they all seem to be more concerned about talking about their friends and their issues and ignoring me. Its not that I mind; 75% of the time I’d rather sort it out myself. But sometimes you need someone to bounce ideas and thoughts off of. Jenn is failing miserably at that, and Mel is just really busy – no fault of her own. But Mel obsesses just as much as Jenn.

Can you tell that finals are stressing me out and what I’m going to do this summer is stressing me out and how I’m going to make everything work the way it should is making nuts? As much as I’m gonna miss certain people out here, I’m so ready to come home and get the hell out of the dorm – away from Jenn and her issues, Mel and her issues and Jess and her….GAH! I don’t even know what she has!

Jenn and I were talking about why Manny was still around and why I needed him to be there for me so much and vice versa. And I realised it was because he was one of those friends that are my energy. “When I find myself fading, I close my eyes and realise my friends are my energy.” Not all my friends have that kind of affect on me. I’m usually the one they turn to when they need energy. I have few people I consider my energy, and Manny is one of the big ones. For all his faults, I can always count on him to be there for me when I ask him. It could be easier to give up Manny if I had more friends who were my energy.

Parasites – and I’m an open door to them.

So you’re weary now
From the company you keep
Lay down your head
And go back to sleep
Back to sleep

Just wait till the end
It will be worth it I swear
So hold on, my friend
We’re almost there

Step back for a moment
And watch what’s going on around you
You’re so concerned with pleasing everyone
What about you?

I woke up at half past 12
Half in and out of dreaming
I could barely hear
But I think that I was screaming

I tried to call out to you
Be careful, they’re right behind you
But you turned to me and said, I’m dying
And it’s too late for anyone to save me

Step back for a moment
And watch what’s going on around you
You’re so concerned with pleasing everyone
What about you?

So you’re weary now
From the company you keep
Lay down your head
And go back to sleep…

How long do I have to wait here?
You leave me standing in the cold
How long will it take you to remember
While you’re still alive and growing old
I’m the only one who cares about you

So roll me over
Shut me out
If that’s what you feel possessed to do
Whatever helps to get you through the night
Yeah it may kill me
But I’ll still love you

How long do I have to wait here
You leave me standing in the cold
How long will it take you to remember
While you’re still alive and growing old
I’m the only one who cares about you

I am
I am the only one
I am
I am…

How long do I have to wait here
You leave me standing in the cold
How long will it take you to remember
While you’re still alive and growing old
I’m the only one, I am the only one
I am

You leave me standing in the cold
How long will it take for you to realize
That I am gone?

How Long? ~ Allison Crowe