There are things far too dark to comprehend

I’m getting really tired of this. One minute my parents want me to get into summer music camps. Then they want me to be a counselor so that I make money and get to play. Then they want me to go to whatever summer camps I can and they will pay whatever they have to. Then they want me to make money any way that I can, music or not. Then they want me to go to music camp, but I have to pay part of the way. Then they want me to be a counselor and get to play and get paid. Then they want me to make money, be a counselor, and be a camper in a music camp. I can’t fucking do it all. I can only do one thing. Not to mention that I’m trying to finish this semester without flunking out. Not to mention that I got seriously sick last week. Not to mention I was not in a good mental state all weekend. Not to mention that I’ve been working so hard I haven’t been out with my friends once until last night.

I don’t care what they want from me, to spend a summer getting experience or getting money; I just want to know WHAT they want. They keep changing the stakes, changing their tune. It half makes me want take everything I own and strike out on my own. I’ll do this by myself. But that’s the irrational part of me. I’ve learned to keep that more in check. But I just wish they would stop changing their minds all the time.

I’ve been in such a funky mood lately. I really wanted to get drunk the other night, but there was drama and I didn’t feel comfortable being drunk admist it all. Mel’s dating Chase who is one of the DKO brothers on campus. Rachel, the DKO Rose, has been flirting, like a whore, with Chase and its making Mel understandably mad. This has been going on for quite sometime, but only recently has the truth come out that Rachel is actually trying to get with Chase. That’s the shortened version. Basically, last night, the shit hit the fan and things needed to be sorted out and figured out. It is a whole big mess, that perhaps has been blown out of proportion, but there isn’t one clear person to blame it all on. But the upshot of all that is that I didn’t get drunk. I enjoy wine, but I don’t like getting wasted on it. I enjoy beer, but it makes me full before it makes me drunk. I need vodka, Triple Sec and lime juice. That gets me drunk good and solid. I also need to be comfortable where I am and who I’m there with to get drunk proper. I talked to Nathan online, who’s having problems with this girl. She’s stringing him along and he adores her. I hate seeing girls do that to guys. In part because I know what its like to be the girl. I had Manny on a string for way too long. Part of it was my fault, but part of it was his fault. I can’t change Nathan’s heart or the position he’s in, but hopefully I can be there for him. I have first-hand combat experience in fucked-up relationships. I don’t think I’ve ever had a “normal” relationship. Maybe Manny and I, the first round and Tim and I – but really no one since then. And they were only “normal” as in the fact they were high school relationships and “normal” to that extent.

But back to Nathan – I talked online with him for a while and that put me in an even stranger mood than I’d already been in. He loves and wishes to be loved in return. I just want to love again and be in love and be loved in return. I want that relationship thing all the kids are talking about. But I feel so old sometimes, I don’t know that I’ll be able to find someone to fit me. As much as I miss Mike and as much as I wish we could be together – I know deep down in my heart it wouldn’t work out. It just doesn’t mesh the right way. But I want that somebody. Mel said something about Chase the other night – when he’s unhappy, she’s the one he goes to. I want to be that for someone and want someone to be that for me. I feel like Manny still fills that role right now. I try not to let him and I try so hard not to lean on him, but sometimes he’s the only one who can keep my sanity in check. I don’t want to lead him on and I don’t want to lead my heart on because I know he and I won’t work either. There just isn’t that right chemistry between. There’s definitly chemistry, just not the right kind. It took me way too long to realise that and way too long for him to accept that.

So why the hell am I still so scared of ending up with him? As Jenn said, “If you kill him, you won’t have to worry about ending up with him.” Its a very interesting notion. But why do I have this fear? And what would really be so bad about ending up with Manny? I mean I know I don’t love him like that now, but things could change. I guess I don’t feel that initial thing with him. I don’t know how to explain it. Its partly physical, partly mental, partly emotional, partly something sixth sense like and somehow a mix of all those things. I can’t figure how to describe it better than that. Manny and I may have perfected all the other aspects of a relationship, but we’re missing that thing, that seperates a relationship from being friendship and being lovers. We really do make better friends than lovers – that has been proven time and time again. But yet there is still this inexpeciable pull towards each other. I think a lot of has to do with history. We have so much history together and so much between us. No one really understands that part of our relationship, but he and I do. And there is a grand comfort in being able to talk to him for 3 hours without even putting any effort into it. We have comfortable silences and knowing looks. I don’t have that with anyone else, except Megan – and as much as I love her and as close as we are, the relationship is different. Its two girlfriends as opposed to two ex-lovers-now-friends. There’s just a different make-up to it.

So back to the point? Why do I feel this pull from things I know won’t work out? I know Manny and I won’t work out and yet I’m drawn to him. I know Mike and I won’t work out, yet I miss him and I’m still drawn to him. Something else that might have a chance, like Justin and I, I’m terrified of. I don’t want to ruin the friendship Justin and I have. And he’s just not my knight in shining armor. Well, maybe not a knight – but an ordinary guy with some metal plates for protection. Justin doesn’t make my heart skip a beat. He doesn’t challenge me and push me. He doesn’t complete me. Maybe that’s it. Do I feel as though Manny completes me? Not really. He knows how to protect me and he knows my weaknesses. But I’m not sure he really completes me. I think, perhaps for right now, he’s the best fit I’ve come across. And maybe that’s my problem. I don’t want to feel like I’m settling for “the best I’ve found” as opposed to something and someone who really would be the best for me.

All this seriously hurts my head. I only got a few hours of sleep and I was thinking of taking a nap. Not sure how much of a good idea that is, but my mind is racing so fast right now.

I’m so tired of being alone and feeling like its just me against the world. Last night, Mel, Jenn and I united forces against the girl trying to break up Mel and Chase. It was pretty funny afterwards, we all stood up and basically congradulated ourselves for doing such a good job. It was a physical fight, not even really a fight in words – just a rather heated discussion. And it wasn’t just Mel vs. Rachel – it was the three of us, sisters, Triple M Attack. Neither Mel or Jenn have sisters and I’m an only child, so none of us know what its like to have sisters. And last night was a night as sisters. I feel like I belong to somebody.

What an interesting concept. Is that my problem? I’ve always been somebody’s something. I’ve never really been standing on my own. I mean, yes in a way I do stand on my own. But even in standing on my own, I’ve still been somebody’s something. Karen’s daughter, Brian’s ‘big sister,’ Manny’s ex, Carrie’s high school friend, Jenn’s suitemate, Jess’s roomie, whatever it may be. I don’t want to be solely defined as that, but I find comfort in belonging somewhere or to something. Maybe that’s my problem right now, I don’t feel like I belong in the music department yet. I feel like I’m just a visitor. I don’t really feel like this is MY campus, or MY college. I don’t even feel like this is MY room. I almost wonder who MY friends are sometimes. Maybe that’s where my comfort with Manny comes in. I know that no matter what happens, a part of me will always belong to him. A very special part that I can’t get back (I don’t even want it back). I almost feel like he should be one of the people to give me away. I mean my father and mother should, but there is so much of me that Manny has and holds and understands. I feel like I won’t be able to let go and belong to someone unless he hands me over. Maybe he does still hold my heart, on some level, because I know he will never hurt it and he will protect with every breath in his body. Its such an interesting concept. I mean, I know there are other people who would do whatever they had to in order to protect my heart. I know my little brother would do anything for me. But my relationship with Brian is so different than the relationship with Manny. I set them side by side in my mind and Brian is so much younger than Manny and understands so much less of me. Not that it makes him any less important or lessens his love for me, but its just different. Manny and I look at each other and I can see difference between Brian and I. What an odd feeling…..

The long and short of this long rambling is that I miss belonging to someone and miss having someone belong to me. It almost sounds 19th century, but it couldn’t be farther from it. I don’t know how to explain it and what’s worse is I don’t know if I’m ever gonna get.

I’ve decided tonight, I’m staying alive,
Just kicking and screaming.
Tonight, I’m staying alive,
Blood boiling and streaming.

There are things far too dark to comprehend.
Sleep on it, one more night.
One more night.
My sad old friend.

Alive! I’m staying alive.
Alive! I’m staying alive.
Alive! I’m staying alive.
Kicking and screaming,
Blood boiling and streaming,
Staying alive.

doo doot doo doot doo doot doo doot
doo doot doo doot doo doot doo doot
doo doot doo doot doo doot doo doot
the worst is over

Staying Alive ~ Cursive