who the fuck did you want me to be

Its unfair. I don’t know why this has to happen to me but its fucking unfair. I want a refund. I want my life back dammit!

What was my biggest fear in returning to school? It wasn’t that I’d become depressed and not know what to do, cause I know what to do. I have a plan for that. It wasn’t that I’d be without friends, cause it would make me focus on my work more. It wasn’t that the work would be too hard, cause I can get help there. It wasn’t that I wouldn’t know how to escape campus, cause I have my car and can leave when I need to. My biggest fear is that something I can’t control would bring me to my knees. Something that I have no possible way to avoid and something I don’t know I’d have to deal with would knock me flat on my back.

A cold. A fucking cold. That is, as defined, my greatest fear.

I was stressed out, yes. I had a lot of work to do, yes. But I had a plan. I had devised a schedule that allowed for sleep, study, eating and a few moments of pleasure. I had a great plan. A cold snuck in like a trained assassin and knocked me out like a pro. I passed out last week (on my bed). Tuesday night I got back from classes and I went to sleep. I don’t remember much until late Wednesday night. They tell me I slept, and even talked a little. I don’t remember. I thought I had emailed my professors. I hadn’t. So when I came back to reality I had to backtrack and try to find all the people who needed to be told and apologized to.

She told me I should have just dealt with it. If I had been conscious, I would have. I would have either taken some vitamins and pushed through it, or I would have called everyone and everything and let them know. But I was fucking passed out for 36 hours. What could I have possibly done? If I had just gotten lazy and not gone or irresponsible and stupid, I would appreciate her anger. That would have been on my shoulders. But I was fucking passed out. I didn’t plan that. I didn’t lie down and say “Oh, I don’t feel like doing what I should.” It surprised me as much as it surprised everyone else. Her answer, her response is that I need to learn how to deal with it. I need to learn how to just get over it, basically. My bipolarism – that I have learned to deal with. I have learned how to get over things. But how do you deal with passing out? How do you deal with being sick? Magically make yourself better? I already know that doesn’t work.

She makes me so mad! She makes me not want to be in Mason. I don’t want to be coddled. I don’t use my bipolarism as an excuse. But if passing out, if being sick isn’t an excuse, what is? Do I have be dying to get some understanding? Do I have to be dead? She told me in the real world, if this had happened I would have been fired from a job. Maybe that’s true, but I kind of doubt it. I was so sick. Unbelievably fucking sick. So sick I wasn’t awake. Maybe that would affect my job, because the music world moves fast. If you miss the dress rehearsal, you can’t do the performance. Understandable. But fired? Kicked out of the music world? She needs a serious reality check.

She makes me not want to be in Mason. She makes me not want to be here and go to this school and deal with stupid attitudes like that. But I do want to be here. I have great friends here who care about me and love me and want me to be here. I love Doc and even though some people in the oboe studio piss me off, I like most of them. Those people I don’t like I deal with. I mentioned that to her too, the fact that I was having problems being friends with some people in the studio. Her answer was that I had to make friends with them. Bullshit. I’m sorry, but that is a load of crap. Here’s a quick life lesson for her. You don’t have to like everybody all the time. But what you have to do is learn to deal with them. You have to be polite, profession and courteous. I can do that. I learned that in the law firm. But don’t tell me I have to be their fucking friend, cause I don’t have to be friends with anybody. That is complete and utter bullshit!

My emotions have gone quickly through their cycle. I was sad and upset. Sam met me in the hallway coming back from my meeting with Holcomb and I started crying. She calmed me down somewhat and listened to me. I got back to my room and burst into tears. I felt like this was Calvin all over again. I didn’t want to be here, yet I really do want to be here. I want to leave, but I don’t want to drop out and go running home again. I want to learn and grow and get better. But she makes me feel unimportant. She didn’t even know my name the first rehearsal, she kept calling me Nicole. She doesn’t know my background and my history. I don’t want her to know my background or history. I want her to educate me, teach me to be a better musician. She bordered on telling me that I would never make it in the professional world. Does any of this sound familiar? Does any of this sound like DeYoung? Does to me!

So now I’m mad. I feel justified in being “under the radar” as she called it. I was sick! Not depressed, because depression to me is not a sickness; its a symptom of my disorder. Its my life. But I was sick. Viral bacterial evil incentuous shit running rampent through my body. I was not in control of my facilities. I was sick. How can she not understand that? How can she tell me to just deal with it and get over it?

It makes me mad. Mad at this school that I thought would help me. There are things here that are helping me, that are educating me, allowing me to grow. But there are things here that are destroying me and not good for me. I want my damn education and I don’t want to have to go somewhere else again! I want to get my degree here. I love Doc; she is one of the great things here. She is helping me and encouraging me so much. But if things get to a point here where there are more things that are detrimental to my health than helpful, God so help me, I will leave. I will transfer somewhere else. I will not stay in a place that is killing me. Maybe that’s part of my bipolarism showing through, but that’s how I have to deal with things. Think of it this way – if you were living in a situation where poison was being given to you and you had the choice to stay or leave, would you leave?

Nothing in life is perfect. There are always bad and good things; there are always pros and cons. But when cons outweigh the pros, and things are more damaging than helping – you need to get out of that situation. Sometimes its harder to leave than other times. Sometimes it takes a while to know things are even that bad. But I will not ignore the situation if it gets to that point. I will leave.

Can’t you see that I’m sick of this?
Chances are you’re oblivious to how I feel
Sitting on your throne, and I’m sure that I’m not alone,
Not alone, not alone.

Tell me please,
Who the fuck did you want me to be?
Was there something that I couldn’t see?
Never knew this would be so political.
And please, I’m still wearing this miserable skin
And it’s starting to tear from within
But it’s obvious that doesn’t bother you, so please

I didn’t think that you’d sell me out
Now I know what you’re all about.
You mightfeel in control of things.
But you’re not holding all the strings.
All the strings, all the strings.

Tell me please,
Who the fuck did you want me to be?
Was there something that I couldn’t see?
Never knew this would be so political.
And please, I’m still wearing this miserable skin
And it’s starting to tear from within
But it’s obvious that doesn’t matter to you,
So please

I’ve swallowed all your insults
I’ve swallowed all my pride
You used up all your chances
Can’t keep this all inside

Tell me please,
Who the fuck did you want me to be?
Was there something that I couldn’t see?
Never knew this would be so political.
And please, I’m still wearing this miserable skin
And it’s starting to tear from within
But it’s obvious that doesn’t bother you

So please don’t be telling me that it’s ok
I don’t buy all the shit that you say
And quite honestly I’m fucking sick of it
so please if I cut off this nose from my face
Then I wouldn’t feel so out of place
But it still wouldn’t be quite enough for you,
so please.

Please ~ Staind