she starts feeling on her own

I started this entry about my trip out here and I do want to finish it. But there are new things coming up that I need to get out too. I’ll finish this at some point……hopefully.

So I should probably get around to updating this thing since so much has happened and I want to keep record of what has happened. Yes, I was accepted to SUNY Fredonia and have moved out here. Last week was absolutly crazy. Monday I came home from Lake George and just hung out with my parents. Tuesday and Wednesday I spent the day organizing things into piles of what is going and what is not. Tuesday night my parents took me out to dinner to celebrate my acceptance. Wednesday night DeDra took me out as well to celebrate. Thursday I had to go to the doctor for a physical for school and got my hairs cut. Thursday night Mommy shared her choir rehearsal time to let me have a little party. I wanted to say goodbye to people at church for being so helpful. I was going to go to church on Sunday and leave after church, but I was informed that auditions for ensembles were going to be Sunday night at 6pm (more on that later). So I had a nice little going away party from the choir members.

FRIDAY I had an appointment with the neurologist to see about my wrist problems. He did all sorts of tests and asked all sorts of questions about my health history. He has concluded (pre-testing) that it might have to do with the fall that I took in 9th grade. I fell off something in gym onto my neck and pulled some muscles in my neck. It was not pretty. But that was years ago now. The doc thinks that fall may have just jolted something out of place and after years of playing and using my arm and wrist it is starting to cause pain. He wants me to get an MRI of my neck and have testing done on my wrist. So I’ll have to go home sometime before Spring Break to have those tests done. I’m waiting to see my schedule before trying to make those appointments. After I was done there, Beth came over to help me start packing things up. I had things in piles of what was going and the boxes they could go in. But for the life of me I couldn’t start getting them into the boxes. So she started doing that for me. It was good cause I wouldn’t have been able to do that. I finished sorting things out and figuring other things out. Settle came over in the afternoon and added new music to my computer. Six hundred-ninty-five new songs. I’m very excited. I’ve been listening to them off and on and I’m loving them. So excited. New music makes me happy. Settle is also my hero because he packed my car. I started freaking out because I wasn’t sure everything was going to fit in my car and I really wanted to bring my TV. Somehow he made it fit. I was very happy. Friday night I had a going away/birthday party (birthday was Saturday) with more friends than I expected.

THE PARTY

Bubba brought Goldfinger, so he and Chris took over the TV and the living room. Nitta, Ian and DeDra came and Nathan was there and then Paul came and eventually Settle and Jorge came too. Annemarie and Yager made no appearance which kind of annoyed me because I wanted to say goodbye, but what can you do? Eric showed up later too. I got rather pissed at Chris and Bubba because at 9:30 Christopher Titus was doing standup on Comedy Central and I wanted to watch it. Chris and Bubba had found the Bond marathon on AMC and we were having a remote fight, me with the TV remote, them with the VCR remote. It was somewhat funny, but DeeDee, Nitta and I had been doing Kamikazee shots and I was drunk. Then Nathan and I got into a physical fight and he twisted my ankel and I fell into a coffee table. The next morning I had a huge bruise about the size of a baseball and the color of an eggplant on my side. He also punched me in the jaw. No bruise, but its still majorly sore and there’s another bruise on my knee from God knows what. I have bruises all over my wrists from Bubba and I was just generally pissed. I wanted to watch Christopher Titus and it was my party. I always let them do whatever the fuck they want and this one time, at my house, at my party, they fought me on it. Nitta and DeeDee were really pissed too. So I just kept drinking more and more and more. I think I was doing double shots to what DeeDee and Nitta were doing. It was a bad idea. I was beyond wasted. I don’t think I’ve ever been that drunk before in my life. Eric slept over cause he and I sat up talking until 2 in the morning. I woke up at 5:30 cause I’ve been so flipping anxious.

So Saturday morning I was up majorly early. My car was just about completely packed because Settle is my hero. I had to go back to my Doctors for a TB reading and for them to fill in one more thing on my health form. But they couldn’t find my chart! I had been there on Thursday and they couldn’t find my chart. We sat in the waiting room for 25 mins and I was getting really upset. Not really mad, just worried that not having that information would keep me out of Fredonia. But I’m here now so I’m hoping they won’t kick me out. Mom and Dad took me out for birthday breakfast/brunch at Perkins and I was on the road by 2pm. I took the Thurway out and had just about every type of NY weather imaginable for this time of year. It rained, I mean downpoured rained, until Albany where it started to change over to ice. Then snow started to mix in and the wind picked up. I could only go about 45mph and I had to stop every hour or so. I was sore and bruised from Nathan beating me up and hungover and tired from concentrating so hard. I bought a book on CD outside Albany called Punish the Sinners. I haven’t finished it yet, but so far it is really really good. Around 7 o’clock, Paul called me to see how things were going. He had come to my party but he couldn’t stay late or drink too much because he had to work the next morning. He and I ended up talking for about 45 mins about a lot of things. It was really nice to have something to take my mind off the road a little bit. I told him about being bipolar and he made the offer to be there is I ever needed someone. He told me he would probably give me tough love, but he would be there nonetheless. He just really kills me. Right through the heart with Cupid’s arrow. But more on that later.

I ended up spending the night with my uncle. It should have taken me 6 hours to get there. It took me almost 9 hours instead. But Sunday was a better drive. The sun was shining and it was freezing. I found coffee at some weird Thurway rest station, but I really didn’t care. It was coffee. I got to the campus and wandered around for a while trying to figure out how to get into my dorm. Jess (my roomie) was still at home waiting for her boyfriend (Harrison) to come pick her up. Justin was having car issues so he wasn’t here yet either. I got the key to my room, which didn’t work. I had to get my RA, Sam, who is a complete bitch, to let me into my room. She acted all annoyed that I dared to bother her for something as trivial as a not being able to get into my room. She opened my door and stomped back into her room, slamming the door behind her. She unfortunately does live in our suite. The room was mostly bare because Jess only had her stuff in half of the room. I was so lonely because I didn’t know anyone and Justinwasn’t here yet. I ended up calling my parents in tears. I didn’t want to go home, but I just wanted someone to be here for me. It was on the edge of pathetic. But then I heard one of my suitemates moving around so I went over and introduced myself. I didn’t want to try and unpack my car unless Justin was here, so I hung out in her room waiting for Justin. He called when he was about 30 mins away, saying he’d call when he got to the campus.

So I was sitting on Dana’s bed waiting for Justin to call and I happened to glance out the window. I thought I saw Justin’s car drive by. It was almost 40 minutes since he had called, so I tried calling his cell phone but it kept going into voice mail. I was freaking out because I thought his battery had died and now he would never find me. So I went outside to walk around and try to catch him. I couldn’t find him, so I started driving and looking for him. I was getting very frustrated and nervous and upset. My audition was supposed to be at 6pm and I hadn’t practiced or even figured out where to go. My oboe and my music were packed up somewhere in my car. Just as I was ready to give up and go try and unpack everything by myself, I passed him on the road. I almost cried when I saw that little turquoise car! So he helped me unpack and carried my TV to the room, which was my biggest and heaviest thing. I didn’t want to have to carry it myself and I didn’t know anyone to ask them to help me. I’m sure Harrison would have helped me, but he and Jess weren’t going to be here until 6pm and I thought I had my audition then.

After Justin and I unpacked everything, we went over to the music building to check about the auditions. Now realize the only reason I purposely drove through all that crappy weather was because I was told my auditions were at 6pm on Sunday. I wanted to be able to at least unpack my car before the audition, mostly because my music was buried somewhere in my trunk. So we got to Mason (the music building) and the sign said that auditions weren’t until Tuesday at 2pm. I had another two days! I literally sat down on the bench in the lobby and nearly cried. So I took Justin out to eat at Wing City Grille, the best place to eat around here and he went back to RIT.

She’s a liar
It comes to this
All we had ’til now is gone
And I’m the other
Piece to this
Every time I feel this inside
I don’t wanna be the one who…

Caught you
So take cover
Never saw it comin’ so you put me on again
Had you and no other
The game, the lies are getting old

She starts feeling on her own
She makes the city seem like home
All you had for me is gone
I give and I give
But you hope in return
Never thought I’d be the one to burn

Every time I feel this inside
I don’t wanna be the one to
I don’t wanna be the one who…

Caught you
So take cover
Never saw it comin’ so you put me on again
Had you and no other
The game, the lies are getting old

Take Cover ~ Acceptance