scars are souvenirs you never lose

So forget all the nasty and mean things I said in the last entry about Manny. Thursday morning at 7:30 my grandmother called from Florida. My grandfather was seriously ill with a pseudo-aneurysm, which is not false, but worse than a “normal” one. The surgery he would have to go through was very, very dangerous and may kill him. Not doing the surgery might kill him as well, so its a “pick your poison” position. My mother flipped out. I mean seriously flipped. She kept saying this is how they lost her father and did I want another grandfather bear and thinking about what she’d wear to his funeral and all kinds of crap along those lines. I know she was partly reliving her father’s passing, but I was inches away from smacking her. I was already upset and scared and terrified. I mean, yes, her dad died. But this is her father-in-law. He’s not blood. As cold as that sounds, he’s not her blood. But he is my blood. I share physical features and characteristics with the man. This was my grandfather. So my mother was not helping. She was on her way to a teacher’s conference and wasn’t sure if she could go. She kept saying she would fly out of the conference city when he died. But my dad told her to go and not jump the gun. The hospital’s first diagnosis was serious, but they were going to run loads of tests before cutting him open. My father (this is his dad in the hospital) decided to fly down Thursday night to be there for his dad and his mom. I did not want to be left alone in the house driving myself crazy with worry and just being alone. So I told Dad I wanted to go with him. We got flights out of a local airport that evening.

So where does Manny fit into all this? After my mother left for her conference, my dad was still at work straightening a few things out. I had to go home and pack. After dealing with my mother’s near nervous breakdown I didn’t want to be alone even for that short time. So I called Manny – the only person who’s home and would come over and help – and asked him to come just be with me until my dad and I left. He came over the day I left for Florida when my mom’s dad died too. It was all very eerie and familiar, especially with my mom’s breakdown. He was great, helping me pack and get organized and figuring things out.

To make things interesting, I had stayed up late Weds night to get some homework done. So I only had about 3 hours of sleep Weds night. Our flight connected to Philly and then onto Tampa. After renting the car, waiting for my uncle’s flight and such, we figured we’d get to my grandmother’s around midnight or so. That would give me a good 8 or 9 hours of sleep that night. Except that we got delayed in Philly – FOR FOUR FREAKIN HOURS! There is nothing to do in an airport for 4 hours, especially when you are sick with worry about someone you love. I paced around the terminal and tried to do some homework. I attempted sleep but they were playing canned Christmas music and had those annoying warning annoucements every few minutes. We finally left around midnight and didn’t get to Grandma’s until 4am. And then I was overtired and stressed, so I didn’t sleep well.

To make things better…..My grandfather is ok. It wasn’t what they suspected its just a hernia. Well, a second hernia, but thats a longer story. He’s in a lot of pain, and he’ll have to have surgery to patch that, but its an outpatient procedure. Much safer than the bypass surgery. So everyone is relieved. Everyone being my Uncle Doug who flew into Tampa, my Uncle Kevin who drove 22 hours with his wife Cindy to Florida and my grandmother. And the rest of the family too, but that is who is actually here now. So somewhat false alarm, but its taken its toll on me.

And even though the moment passed me by
I still can’t turn away
Cuz all the dreams you never thought you’d lose
Got tossed along the way
And letters that you never meant to send
Got lost or thrown away

And now we’re grown up orphans
And never knew their names
We don’t belong to no one
That’s a shame
But you could hide beside me
Maybe for a while
And I won’t tell no one your name
And I won’t tell ’em your name

And scars are souvenirs you never lose
The past is never far
Did you lose yourself somewhere out there?
Did you get to be a star?
And don’t it make you sad to know that life
Is more than who we are

We grew up way too fast
And now there’s nothing to believe
And reruns all become our history
A tired song keeps playing on a tired radio
And I won’t tell no one your name
And I won’t tell ’em your name
I won’t tell em’ your name
Oooh, oooh, oooh
I won’t tell em’ your name
Ow!

I think about you all the time
But I don’t need the same
It’s lonely where you are
Come back down
And I won’t tell ’em your name

Name ~ Goo Goo Dolls