how amazing it feels just to live again

I am incredibly tired, but I wanted to get this down now before the week begins. The audition was great. Dr. H is awesome and I think it will work out well with us. She and I talked about what level I’d be coming into and what the timeline was for admissions. She told me as far as she was concerned I was in, no problem. Its still uncertain what level I’d be at when I was admitted, but she thought I might be able to test out of some classes and double up on others. I explained to her that the transfer admissions office was waiting on my DCC grades which are due Dec 28. So they would probably reach the college the first week in January and then the official decision would be made. My only concern and worry now is that the admissions bitch will find something else missing or wrong at the last minute and cause all sorts of problems. Dad said it might be worthwhile to go out there the week they get my grades and park myself in her office until everything is taken care of. There are going to be deposits to be paid and forms to be filled out for housing and classes and God only knows what else. If I’m there in her face, we can get everything done and taken care of right away. Dad said he would help pay for gas and get me a hotel room if thats what it took. I think my parents are seeing how serious I am about this and they are in full support of it. I talked to a friend at church today who works in admissions at another college and explained some of my concerns with the admissions lady. He offered to make a call and “introduce” himself if I needed the heavy guns. He’s well-known in those admissions circles and is willing to place his weight behind me if neccesary. Its really comforting to know that people are going to be there for me like that.

I suppose that is part of opening up to people. You do open yourself up to being hurt, but you can also open yourself up to support and help. After my audition, I met a really nice girl named Megan who showed me around the music building and pointed out some things on campus. Because I’ll be a music major, I’ll spend the majority of my time in the music building, which is like two buildings pushed together. Megan said she spends just about her entire day in the music buildings, either practicing, going to class or just hanging out. She said it gets too cold to even walk across campus back to the dorms between classes. I’m so looking forward to it all. Her birthday is close to mine and she’s turning 21. She and her friends are going out the first weekend school is back and she wants me to come. It’s nice to know someone already on campus like that. She said she would introduce me to all of her music friends, so I would have addition familiar faces. She was really great.

Speaking of Megan – My Megan did it! She tied the knot, got hitched, whatever. She is married now. And I really believe this is such a good thing for her. Rick is a great guy and I’m not sure I could have picked someone better for her if I had made him. Now Rick has his faults, but so does Megan. No one is perfect, they are just perfectly matched. In Rick I see someone who will really take care of her. Not like they won’t fight, because they probably will. But he’s someone who I trust with her. I know it maybe somewhat strange to say, but knowing that he is there, in her life, makes me feel better. It makes me feel like I don’t have to worry about her as much. I know I haven’t been there that much because of the distance and physically he’s been there for her much more (in more ways than one!). But I feel like she’s safe, and she’s taken care. Its a hard feeling to explain, because I never really “took care” of her like that. But I really am so happy for them. She called on Saturday night and told me about the wedding and that everything was perfect and wonderful and amazing.

Today was crazy. My bell choir rang in church and I had to conduct and make sure I was on top of things. Its a completely different kind of pressure when you direct as opposed to ringing. And I was so busy. I don’t know how I didn’t realize it, but I was running all over the place. I conducted the prelude for handbells. Then I conducted the first hymn which was bells, organ, brass and timpani. Then I played piano for the children’s choir. Then played piano for the song of response (basically another hymn). Then played piano and semi-conducted the adult choir’s anthem. And lastly I conducted the bells for their offertory. Then start again for the second service. It felt like I just kept moving. But everyone said the service went well and things were great. I saw Paul for, oh, four seconds from the balcony. I’m not sure he even saw me, which makes me sad cause I wanted to tell him about the audition. I know he was rooting for me. Besides the fact that I just wanted to see him.

Random thing to note: When we got to the college on Friday, my dad was reading the local paper. That college’s soccer team was playing against my old college’s soccer team that night (not here though). The next morning my dad checked the scores. They went into overtime with 0-0 and my “new” college won. If I believed in signs, I’d think it was a sign, a good sign.

So now I’m exhausted and I cannot wait until Thanksgiving. We are leaving the country as usual, going to Montreal, which I’m so looking forward to. Its not that I want to sleep the day away, but like Uncle Steve put tonight, “I want to sleep and not be awoken by an alarm.” I just want to sleep until I wake up, relaxing. So that will be Thursday and Friday for me. Saturday we have to come home because of church and then the rat race to Christmas begins.

On a slightly down-note, I’m pretty sure I’m getting carpal tunnel symdrome (CTS) in my right hand. This is the hand that basically holds my oboe; it balances on my thumb. I mentioned to my mom the other day that I’ve been having tingling and some numbness in my hand and she said it sounds like CTS. I’m fucking 21 and I have CTS!? I’m going to see a doctor soon. I was going to wait until after Thanksgiving, but its gotten worse since I started playing oboe again. I’ve looked at a few websites that have scared the shit out of me. I’ve had almost all of the symptoms and I’ve thought it was poor cirulation, or our cold house or whatever. If I need surgery I want it done now before I go back to college as a music major. I swear, I feel like this is something that could destroy me all over again. I’m prepared for bipolar problems and emotional problems and psychological problems. But I didn’t think that my hands would cause a problem. Maybe my lungs, or my weight, but not my hands. Not CTS.

Shit, this could change everything.

and it’s all in how you mix the two
and it starts just where the light exists
it’s a feeling that you cannot miss
and it burns a hole through everyone that feels it

well you’re never gonna find it
if you’re looking for it
won’t come your way
well you’ll never find it
if you’re looking for it

should’ve done something but I’ve done it enough
by the way your hands were shaking
rather waste some time with you

and you never would have thought in the end
how amazing it feels just to live again
it’s a feeling that you cannot miss
it burns a hol