let the whole thing pass me by

So the sorting begins….

PAUL – Three Sundays ago he appeared at church. He had been there once before over the summer, but I hadn’t seen him since then. We ended up standing in the church talking for over an hour. We talked about movies and travels and foreign places we’d like to see. I couldn’t believe when I realized it had been over an hour. It was wonderful to talk with him, with someone like that and make a connection. The next Sunday I was running like a chicken about to lose her head. I literally ran into Paul on my way upstairs to play the prelude. He had this huge adorable smile on his face and gave me a hug. After the service I came downstairs, but he was nowhere to be found. I was slightly disappointed, but got over it. This Sunday I was in the choir room when my mom came in and said “Paul’s here. Paul’s here.” She dragged me up into the sanctuary and we waited for the service greeting time. My mother gave his mother a hug, then moved down the aisle to give him a hug. I gave Ginny a hug, and then she and my mother moved out of the aisle so, as they said, I could give Paul a hug. He told me that he was sorry he left so quickly last week, but he was driving his parents. He said he had his own car this week and we could talk for four hours if we wanted. I haven’t blushed like that in a while. He came and found me after the service. We didn’t talk for four hours because I was tired and he had to go fix a problem with his car. When he left (after a hug) I asked if I would see him next week and he said “I don’t see why not.” There was this goofy smile on my face the rest of the day.

JUSTIN – I asked him to go to Jersey with me to see my grandfather. I just want someone to go with me and I want to spend some time with him, too. We were talking about comedians because I was watching Blue Collar Comedy Tour. He said that we should go to the comedy club at the hotel near here. It was specifically a “me and him” outing. It was sweet and interesting.

ERIC – I’ve missed him a lot lately. Maybe its because I’ve been living in my head a lot and I miss the religious discussions I can have with him. There is something about our history, going back to high school that makes it easy to talk to him about my faith, our faith. I don’t have many Christian friends who live as he and I do, with one foot in the church and one foot in the “real world.” Almost daily he and I have to defend our faith and redefine it. I don’t know why it is, but I really value his friendship and companionship. Maybe its because he and I have been through so much faith-wise in high school, and then more after we each graduated. He is someone who is kind and thoughtful and has that inner faith light that shines through him. I called him on Friday night, but he was on the phone with his father. When I called him back later, we talked until my cell phone died. I love talking to him. I love discussing things with him. He already fits a lot of the things I want in “my perfect husband.” He understands how everything in interrelated and connected.

So those are my three guys right now. They are in completely different phases of friendships, but each of them is so precious and important to me. I’m trying to figure out my exact feelings for each of them, but its complicated. Nothing in my life is ever easy or simple.

My bottom line becomes my concern about the upcoming audition and getting my schooling at DCC done. I have almost straight As, but I really want straigh As right through. So I’m pushing myself and forcing myself to do better and go farther. Maybe I am killing myself with no sleep and too much coffee, but it is what needs to happen right now. I need to get this done. I need to prove this, not only to me, but to everyone who haunts me.

Oh, yah – Happy Halloween!

I think about your face
And how I fall into your eyes
The outline that I trace
Around the one that I call mine
Time that called for space
Unclear where you drew the line
I don’t need to solve this case
And I don’t need to look behind

Do I expect to change, the past I hold inside,
with all the words I say,
repeating over in my mind,
somethings you can’t erase, no matter how hard you try,
an exit to escape is all there is left to find.

Close my eyes
Let the whole thing pass me by
There is no time
To waste asking why
I’ll run away with you by my side
I’ll run away with you by my side
I need to let go, let go, let go, let go of this pride,
Until this echo, echo, echo, echo in my mind
Until this echo, echo, echo, echo can subside

I know I always loved you
I know I always loved you
I know I always loved you

So I close my eyes
Let the whole thing pass me by
There is no time
To waste asking why
I’ll run away with you by my side
I’ll run away with you by my side
I need to let go, let go, let go, let go of this pride,
Until this echo, echo, echo, echo in my mind
Until this echo, echo, echo, echo can subside

Echo ~ Trapt