Latenite Musings

I’m doing much better after a weekend of sleeping and moping. My parents spent the weekend being extremely nice to me. It was cool until my mother asked for the 500th time, “How are you doing?” She’s just trying to keep an eye on me. My friends have been fading away lately. Nathan is on my shit list, which is not an easy list to get on and a bitch of a list to get off. I’m rather forgiving, but enough is enough. Ryan knows how pissed I am at him, so hopefully he’ll pass it along. I have the sneaking suspicion that he’s too much of an asshole to try an apologize or make up. That’s the problem being friends with assholes. They can be good people, but they are also assholes at heart. So no more Nathan. I don’t really hang out with DeDra because she is so busy with school and her niece. I don’t really like being around her and my mother because they always end up talking shop. The problem is there isn’t much else the three of us can talk about. I don’t go out, well, ever because I’m trying to save money. My dad said that he did notice that I’ve been really good about working hard and not spending money. I’m glad he notices. He’s also taking a slightly more active interest in my school and classes. He remembers when I have tests and papers and usually calls to ask me about them, which is sweet. Maybe he’s just keeping on eye on my grades, but it doesn’t feel like that. I am doing pretty good in my classes, at least I think so. The mid-term grades were due Friday and they will be sent out tomorrow. They might even be online tomorrow. I’m anxious. I want to know how I’m doing. I do have some friends in my classes which is always nice. There’s Melissa in my English and Psych class. And Tony and Susan are in English with me too. I used to be pretty close to Christine who had Psych and Philosophy with me, but she adores our psych prof and gets annoyed when I point out her shortcomings. So now there’s Kate from Philosophy. She is the most awesome chick I’ve met so far. We’ve hung out a few times, but we are both pretty busy. She’s in school and she’s pregnant (It’s a Boy!) and she’s working too. But she’s a lot of fun to talk with. And then I met Amanda last week. She’s in my Philosophy class too. She’s pretty cool. But those people I really only see in the first three hours of the day. Besides Kate, I haven’t hung out with anyone outside of class. There is a woman in my Economics class who keeps asking if we can get together and study, but we can’t seem to nail down a date. I see Alex on a weekly basis, but I wouldn’t really call him “a friend.” Not in the sense he’s someone who I can hang out with. I don’t mind TBone, but he is not someone I would hang out without the Grovers around. The rest of my close friends are away at school, which makes me all the more determined to get the hell out of Dodge. I started practicing oboe the other day. I’m gonna need reeds and soon, but for right now I need to work up my wrist and lip muscles. I’m up to about a steady 20 minutes before its just a pointless exercise.

I also spoke with our church nurse, Mary Lou. I’ve been wanting to share my battle with dealing with bipolarism with our church, I just wasn’t sure how to do it. I’m at a point where my whole family and most of my close friends, the ones who really matter know about it and understand it as much as they will. I think there is a lot of ignorance when it comes to mental illness especially bipolar disorder and depression and especially in Christian churches. There is that idea that if I only believed enough, it would go away. My fear is that if I stand up and say “I’m bipolar” every single person in the church would treat me like glass. They would be constantly looking for “signs” and keeping things from me, because they might upset me. I don’t want to be treated like a fragile princess under a glass ball. I’ve never been a fragile anything! But I do feel that this is a way I can use my experiences as a good thing, as a positive in the church. I talked with Mary Lou on Sunday and she suggested that rather than attach my name to it, send an anonymous letter for the newsletter. But then our pastor went on the rampage and refuses to print any anonymous entries for some reason. I’m sure its a valid point, but the bottom line is that option is out. So Mary Lou suggested that she write the article and refer to a young woman she knows. We want to make something that is both informative and personal, but without revealing who I am. We also don’t want to make it into a novel. I’m very happy that I got to speak with Mary Lou. Today we sat down and went over my English paper from last term. Its a good starting point for her to use, a good mix of information and personal stories. I haven’t told my parents that its coming out, but I will before it appears in the newsletter. I don’t want them reading about some girl and suddenly realizing its me. Mary Lou and I also discussed the possibility of using her as a screening system. If people have questions, she’ll let me know who they are and I’ll decide if I “come out” to them or not. I’m comfortable with that. Although I still wish I could stand up in church and announce it; just be able to ask everyone to pray for me. I don’t need more safety nets; I have those and I like how they work. But its always easier when people know whats going on. I still want to tell Joe and the Grovers, or at least Justin, but who knows if I’ll work up the nerve or not.