sharpened nails seem softer

Last night I finally got to talk with Brian. I picked him up after rehearsing with Bob J for Sunday. The building to all this was important. After all the reading, researching and writing I’ve done on bipolarism, I’ve finally gotten to a point where I can discuss it with people and answer quetsions and just talk about it. I knew Brian was going back to school soon and I really wanted to talk to him about it. I asked him if we could get tegether and talk. He kinda groaned and asked what about. “Or is it a secret?” I laughed and told him it was about me and being bipolar. I also told him if he didn’t want to know, that was fine too. I don’t want to force him to listen if he would rather not know. He said he did want to know and so with both of our tight schedules we planned to go out Thursday after rehearsal.

So I picked him up and we talked for a few minutes in his room. He finally got his map of Europe up, with pins marking the places he’s been. I have to give him credit. It looked really nice with strings tracing each trip. It was cool to see. We decided to got o the diner since I was hungry and he’d already eaten. It was good. He listened and asked questions. Even though we both know he’ll never get it completely, he said he feels like he has a better understanding. I admit that I’ll never be anywhere near normal, but at least now I think he gets why school was a bad idea for me then. And he got to express his feelings of frustrations towards me and the whole situation. I also explained to him that he and Manny make me feel like losers. We were all in high school together and now look at us. Brian’s traveling the world, Manny’s getting his head inflated and I’m working as a gopher. Its just somewhat frustrating for me. I know its frustrating to brian for the same reasons. So it was good to talk and get all of it out there. We talked about what it’s like to be manic and what its like to be depressed or suicidal. I think after talking he understands it a whole lot better. He couldn’t understand why I’d call Manny at two in the morning and just ask him to get me home. I think he was even a little mad at me for leaning on Manny and making the whole break-up thing that much harder. Thankfully Manny understood that my need for him that night was life or death. I seriously owe him my life for that. So Brian and I just rehashed over things that had happened and why they happened the way they did. I think he even understands me and Manny a little bit more. Manny knew he could never just walk away from me, because he would have been devastated if anything had happened to me. Brian was always telling him to not answer my calls at 3 in the morning and just ignore me. But Manny knew that when I called at 3 in the morning, it usually wasn’t to talk about the weather.

Anyways, it was great. Brian said he understands a lot more than he did before and he was really glad we got a chance to talk. He said that he doesn’t mind talking to me and listening to my problems but when its the same issue over and over, he gets frustrated. And I can understand that. It felt really good to just talk and know that he’s still on my side, so to speak. I have my big brother back.

FRIDAY was BSMF rehearsal and afterwards we went to Lupo’s house to go swimming. It was a lot of fun. Eileen keeps telling me that I am a part of the group now, but I still slightly feel just out of the group. The people who I enjoy are somewhat younger than me. OK, they are all in high school. But the next age group for the most part is adults, married with kids. I relate more to the teenagers than the adults at times. But at the same time, they are teenagers. So I still feel almost like a third wheel party. Although Kevin is in college. He sat with me, Sierra and Blake at dinner on Sunday and that was nice. He’s a vocalist and has a big-head at that. He goes to Oberlin, which is really cool, but sometimes, he’s a little annoying. Then again so is Sierra…..But back to Friday. We started this game of “Keep the Ball in the Air” with a beach ball and it was hysterical. Ryan kept doing cannonballs behind us and throwing me off balance since I was the closest one to him. He’s sweet and cute. I don’t know how much older he is though. He’s quiet. But I just love being there and around them all. There are definitly some annoying people over there. They test my patience and ability to deal with people I don’t like. But its good practice cause there will always be people like that.

SATURDAY was more BSMF. I was supposed to go over at 4pm, but I just didn’t want to. I didn’t realize how much little time I’ve been spending on myself and it was making me insane. So I waited for Justin and we went over around 6pm instead. So even though this is ONE production company there are really two sides to it, and I am stuck in the middle. I hate the fact that there are two sides to even begin with. There is the cast and crew on one side, and the pit orchestra on the other side. It makes me angry that they can’t just get along better. And its not so much the cast as it is the pit. Although sometimes I do understand their frustrations. But I’m stuck in the middle of picking on the cast (and the pit shows no mercy) and standing up for them. I’ve taken to just sitting back and keeping my mouth shut because no one listens to me anyways. If anyone looks at me, I just roll my eyes and shrug. The conductor, he drives me bonkers. He’s one of the founding members so we can’t excatly tell him to go away. But he doesn’t know what I consider BASIC MUSICAL TERMS, like measure, beat, pick-up, or D.S. al Coda. He also can’t keep a steady beat, which he’ll be tapping out on his stand. FIRST OFF – if you can’t keep a steady beat, go away, I have no use for you as a conductor. SECONDLY – Don’t ever, ever, ever tap your baton on the music stand. The musicians will stop looking at you and it shows you have no control. Go away, I have no use for you as a conductor. THIRDLY – You may think you control the tempo and the dynamics but you are really just there for show. Go away, I have no use for you as a conductor. He thinks he knows what he’s talking about but its painfully obvious to everyone that he is clueless. I know I know, he’s a conductor so he thinks he’s God. He is also the conductor, so we do have to pretend to pay attention. But as Marty mentioned, he’s an egotistical jerk. I’ll offer an idea, and he’ll say no. Then repeat my idea to everyone and claim it as his own genius. It pisses me off. I’m not going to try and run the group for you but give credit where credit is due. I’m not trying to take over, I’m just trying to make us better as a group. Its for the glory of all, not the glory of one.

Anyway, I’ll resume the updating tomorrow. The work day is coming to an end.

3 MORE DAYS LEFT OF WORK!!!!!

Please die Ana
For as long as youre here were not
You make the sound of laughter
And sharpened nails seem softer

And I need you now somehow
And I need you now somehow

Open fire on the needs designed
On my knees for you
Open fire on my knees desires
What I need from you

Imagine a pageant
In my head the flesh seems thicker<B