search under blankets for me

There’s a lot I’ve wanted to write about, but I’ve just been busy at work. My last real entry expressed the anger I’m feeling towards Mike. But as I told Brian last night, “The hotter the fire, the sooner the burn out.” I want to be mad at him. I want to be this pissed so I can get it out of my system. So that I can reach the point of being done being mad at him sooner. I know, from past experience, that I repress emotions, sometimes even events. I keep them bottled up and they come screaming out at the most inopportune moments and most irrationally. Anyways, I’m working through all that. Because while I want to be mad at him and such, I also have a job to do and other things that I have to take care of. I can’t really go around for two or three weeks obsessing over him and not do anything else.

My life is so hectic right now. And there are so many thoughts in my head….

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Fuck. I’m manic. I just realized it. I’m fucking manic again. I should go back on the medication, but that Seroquel is just making me too tired all the time. I swear, I’m back to needing 6 more hours in the day. I just need an extra six hours, so I can get some sleep. Twenty-four hours is enough to do everything I need to do, except sleep. I run out of time to sleep.

And life is…..well, rather complicated at the moment on so many levels. Work is winding down, but at the same time, its still busy as fucking hell. There are three days next week, when I won’t be able to do my work because Grace is going to be out. She’s getting her tonsils removed. So thats basically three days less than I thought I was going to have, but as my dad keeps telling me “Its not your problem.” There are still problems and issues concerning various projects. Now, while I can figure and fight my way throught them, I don’t know how to explain to someone else how to do all that. But “Its not my problem.” I’m trying to forecast what other problems are going to come up after I leave. Problems that I can usually handle and know how to deal with, but problems that Sharon and Val won’t quite know what to do about. Besides the fact that the attorneys (well one in particular) is making it easier and easier to walk away from this place. He’s just an arrogant bastard who thinks he runs the place. He treats people with absolutly no respect. He may be a partner, and he maybe a smart attorney, but that doesn’t give him the right to treat people like shit. I swear, if nothing else, my kids will treat people with respect. You can hate someone and still treat them with respect. You can disagree with someone and still treat them with respect. Respect is a really big thing with me. Anyways, he’s making things a lot easier to leave and not look back.

BSMF is doing Carousel as their musical this year and I’m playing piano for them again. I’ve been to a few rehearsals but the schedule is about to blowup because production is like two weeks away. I really love going over there and being with them. They are just fun people to be with and hang out with. I feel unbeleivably loved when I’m there. I got to meet the choreographer for the first time too this year. She lives or works someplace else, and usually only comes once or twice to teach everyone the steps. Megan used to play for her, so I didn’t have to go to rehearsals. But this year, things are a lot more cramped and crunched for time. And I have the time right now to go over there often. The choreographer came over to me after rehearsal and told me I did a really good job. She said some accompanists are so caught up in their worlds they don’t realize whats going on, but she really liked working with me. Eileen said she could see a difference in my playing too. I don’t know if its because I know this music better, or I know the people better or what, but I do feel a lot comfortable this year. Maybe I feel like I can say stuff and ask for stuff and make suggestions and I’m not an outsider. James Henry is great too. He always gives me these big smiles and looks genuinly happy to see me. They are all just so nice too. Anyways, the rehearsal schedule is intense now cause we have a lot of work to do. Hopefully I can help “control” the pit a bit more. Maybe Jim will actually listen to me a little bit more this year. I’m making notes and I’m going to plan out our first rehearsals so we don’t look so confused. Jim is just a little clueless sometimes. Anyways, I love it there.

School is coming up fast too and I can’t wait to get down to it. Its going to be work and I’m gonna have to like actually study, but thats ok. I want to do this. My oboe and I are still at odds with each other. He’s feeling neglected and I’m still dealing with issues of McN and bipolar. But we’ll work through it.

Megan’s been kind of a strain lately too. She called on Monday night, hysterical. Rick checked himself into a hospital for depression. He was feeling really low and called the doctor who’s been prescribing him Paxil (which I really don’t understand). The doctor told him to go to the hospital. It happened really fast and Megan was flipping out because he was so scared. She started her new job on Tuesday and had to find someone to watch the kids, since Rick was in the hospital. Her dad was supposed to go into rehab, but he didn’t and it worked out. But Monday night she was flipping. Tuesday night, she found out they put him on lithium but they were still processing the paperwork for her to talk to the doctor. Last night she found out they diagnosed him with bipolar disorder. That scared her too. Then we were talking and we couldn’t figure how they came to that conclusion so fast. She found out from his mom that he had been diagnosed 10 years ago with clinical depression and had been on meds and in therapy. But he stopped going and stopped taking the meds. This is the first Megan heard about this. Not that long ago, he took a bunch of pills and tried to kill himself. Megan wanted to call 911, but his mother wouldn’t let her. It doesn’t matter so much now, but Megan is really concerned. She’s hoping he’ll come home soon because everything is in his name, their bank account, their apartment, everything. If he’s named incapacitated, his mother would become his guardian and Megan is afraid she’ll take everything including the girls. So Megan is starting to worry about that. I talked to her late late last night and she was talking about how she didn’t think there was anything wrong with him. She kept saying he just needed a swift kick in the pants and he was doing this to hurt her and make her life miserable. I was thinking about how he’s been since I first heard about him. And while I’m no doctor and I didn’t see it at the time, I can see bipolar tendencies. The quick diagnosis of bipolar is suspect, but I’m not convinced its false. I don’t want Megan to turn into Rick’s version of Brian. And I don’t want to turn on Megan and “join forces” with Rick. But I get him a little more than she does. He and I grew up in similiar situations, which is totally different than Megan. I know what those kind of situations can do to a person. And I know how to hide what you’re really feeling. Rick and I are not the same person and we are not going through the same thing. But I’m just afraid of what Megan thinks of me. If she thi