i’m sick of wasting time on what can never be

This past week and the weekend has been strange. Last week I did a lot of nothing and I was bitchy. I figured out why that was when “the female tides started flowing.” I don’t care what anyone says about how this is a female rite of passage, it fucking sucks. I know it gives us women a great thing to hold over the heads of the men, but honestly, I’d trade it in sometimes. It just fucking sucks. I get irritable, ornery, evil and uncomfortable. Its like being pregnant (from what I’ve heard). “Oh, she’s glowing. She looks so healthy. The picture of a happy mother.” Fuck off, blowhards. Yeah, and my language tends to go south too.

Anyways, Bravo seems to have taken their old reruns of West Wing off the air, and I love my West Wing reruns. There are whole episodes I can just about quote along with. Anyways, that failed to help my mood. And so I went north Friday night. I had dinner with Dad at the yacht club and Mom met us there. My dad and I have been getting along great, so thankfully that was one thing I wasn’t worried about. I went North with my oboe, my laptop, my Harry Potter book and some money. Oh, yah clothes too. But not all that much. I started writing something which I’ll finish and eventually post….maybe. I was going over old bipolar papers and notes I have on my computer and it was like reading a cold version of my life. No names, dates or places, but emotions, actions, and everything else just fit together like a giant puzzle. It was scary. And I was cracking up. Anyways, I started an indepth analysis of my life up to now (which is never an easy thing) and I want to finish it at some point. I’ll need another weekend up there alone. That week I’m planning on going up will be really good for me I think.
Anyways, on my way driving North I got stuck in some major traffic. I usually listen to my audio books on CD when driving, but in stop and go traffic I get very distracted. Either I’m listening to the CD and almost rear-end someone, or I’m watching the traffic and I miss half of the storyline. So I turned off the book I was listening to. I smoked a cigarette and played with my phone. I wanted to call Mike, but I knew it was a bad idea. I called Megan but she didn’t pick up. I was pretty sure she’d be in a meeting. So I did call Mike. His phone rang, but the voicemail picked up and I was too chickenshit to leave a message. If I had been drunk, I would have left some random message. Megan called me back a few minutes later and yelled at me, which is what I needed. I dunno why but I needed someone to remind me to just stay away from him for a while. Part of me feels like I’m over him and I should be able to be friends with him.

But a deeper part of me, a darker part of me knows that is all bullshit. I’m not over him. I was just starting to figure out what he meant to me when he got back together with that girl. And I figured it would hurt and it would be tough, but it wouldn’t matter what he meant to me anymore cause it wasn’t gonna happen. Except that without knowing what he meant in the first place, I can’t get over it. I don’t know what I’m getting over. I don’t think I’m in love with him, but maybe I’m wrong. That would be bad. That would be so unbelievably bad. Worst-case scenerio right there. I don’t want to be in love with him. I don’t want to love him. I can care deeply for him, but that four-letter word makes everything so much more complicated its ridiculous. I won’t admit it. I swear I won’t admit it. Admitting it makes it true, and its not true, therefore I’m not admitting it. Do I sound crazy yet?

I’m so mad. I’m so incredibly upset with him. And its not a rational anger, which is probably the best reason to stay away from him. But I’m so hurt and mad and angry. I seriously want to just scream and cry and kick the living shit out of him. The worst part of all this is I don’t know the extent of my feelings towards him but I’m sure they are proportionally to the extent of my anger. I’m really scared to see how far this goes. I’m afraid of how far down the rabbit hole really goes….

I know there are two songs here, but they just both fit too much that I need to include both of them.

You make me feel like I’m a whore
Like I’m the one who’s there to bore you now
It’s always gonna be this way
Get the fuck away

‘Cause I can’t seem to show you what you wanna see
I can never give you anything you need
I’m sick of wasting time on what can never be
I cannot control you into wanting me

You always wanna steal the light
By stepping on the ones who fight for you
It’s always gonna be the same
Get the fuck away

‘Cause I can’t seem to show you what you wanna see
I can never give you anything you need
I’m sick of wasting time on what can never be
I cannot control you into wanting me

I hate what you are
I’ll break you and leave you scarred
I hate what you are
I’ll break you and leave you scarred
I hate what you are

‘Cause I can’t seem to show you what you wanna see
I can never give you anything you need
I’m sick of wasting time on what can never be
I cannot control you into wanting me now

Into wanting me now
Into wanting me now
Into wanting me now
Into wanting me

Your Bore ~ Seether

Do you think I’m faking when I’m lying next to you?
Do you think that I am blind nothing left for me to lose?
Must be something on your mind, something lost and left behind
Do you know I’m faking now?

Do you know I’m faking when I’m lying next to you?
Do you know that I am blind to everything you ever do?
Must be something on your mind, something lost for me to find
Do you know I’m faking?

Then she told me she had a gun
it sounded like she’d used it once before on him
Then she told me she had a gun
it sounded like she’d used it once before, oh man

I guess you know I’m faking when I tell you I love you.
I guess you know that I am blind to everything you say and do
Must be something on my mind, there’s nothing left for me to hide
Do you know I’m faking?

Then she told me she had a gun
it sounded like she’d used it once before on him
Then she told me she had a gun
it sounded like she’d used it once before, oh man

We have to succumb to the feelings we can never face
I need you. I breathe you. I can’t go through this all again.
We have to succumb to the feelings we can never face
I need you. I breathe you. I can’t go through this

Then she told me she had a gun
it sounded like she’d used it once before

Then she told me she had a gun
it sounded like she’d used it once before on him
Then she told me she had a gun
it sounded like she’d used it once before, oh man
Then she told me she had a gun
she says she wants to use it on me now

Driven Under ~ Seether