cutting up my words before i speak

So what happened between Monday morning and Tuesday night? Or even Monday night when he saw Erin? How did things shift and change so suddenly? Did things shift suddenly or has this been building for some time? What was Sunday night all about?

This is Friday morning. He left Tuesday night and we finally talked Wednesday after work. He was driving down to Florida when we talked. I found out that the ex-girlfriend wasn’t Erin like I thought, but Melinda. I’m not sure if that matters, but it wasn’t Erin. Monday night he went down to a bar near his grandmother’s and ran into Melinda. They talked for a while and when she went to go have a cigarette, they got into a big fight. Her father showed up (for some reason) and basically sent Melinda home. He and Mike ended up talking for around 3 hours about a lot of things. Mike said it was a good talk. He hasn’t had a “man to man talk” in some time and he said it was really nice. They didn’t just talk about Mike and Melinda, but a lot of other things. Mike said her father did hope Mike would give Melinda another chance and Mike told him it had a lot to do with Melinda letting Mike be Mike. So whatever, they talked and Mike went back to his grandmother’s house and went to bed. I talked to him on Tuesday a few times and I thought nothing was going on. He told me that at that point nothing was going on. He ended up asking her to drive him to my house to get his bags and so that they could talk. When I talked to him at dinner time, he told me he had gotten a job and needed his stuff. He said at that point someone was driving up with him for the company. I didn’t think anything of it. He said he and Melinda had a long talk on the car ride up (and down).

He told me that he wanted to give her and him another shot. He has more history with her than with me, which I totally understand. He doesn’t know how things will turn out because he was going to Florida and would be there for a few months. But he’s gotta give her a chance. He said he can’t walk away and not try. Which after thinking about, I understand. If Tim were to suddenly show up (unmarried and all) and we talked and he really wanted to give us another shot, I would probably say yes. It wouldn’t be picture perfect back to the way it was, but I really think I would give us another chance. I got the impression this girl was like my Tim. He’s not really convinced it will work out, but he has to give it a shot. And I get that.

He also told me that on the way back to the city she picked a fight with him about going away so soon. She was complaining that they just got back together and he was already leaving. He told her they were on a preliminary trial basis and he was going to go away. She was complaining and he told her she had no right to bitch about this. She knew who he was and what he did. If she couldn’t accept that, she could leave the relationship. So he really doesn’t know whats going to happen with them. I almost told him that I’ve never told him not to go out on a ship, or even bitched that much. Sure, I miss him when he goes and I’ll tell him that, but I’m not going to try and twist his arm to get him to stay. He loves being a mariner. And he loves traveling. If she really cares about him, she wouldn’t try to keep him from doing the things he loves. Thats how I see it at least. But I didn’t say anything because I don’t want to be that catty and make his life more miserable.

We chatted about a few things and then he asked if I would be alright. I told him eventually. To be honest, it hurt and I was hurting about it. But I knew that when this happened it would hurt. I told him for now I was upset and hurt but I would get through this and I would be alright. I wasn’t really blaming him for anything. And I told him on a seperate note, that I was a little upset about him leaving so soon, but I knew how happy he was to go out and that he wanted to be home for Christmas and with this job, he will be home. I told him I wished I could see him a little bit more before he left again, but I totally understood this was his job. I told him I was happy that he was so happy. He said that really meant a lot to him.

Before we hung up, I told him that if he wanted to, at some point, he could give me a call. He kinda sighed in relief and said he was really happy to hear that. He said he thought I was a great person and he still wanted me as a friend. He told me that everything he said on Sunday night was true and he wasn’t lying or anything. He just really needed to see if things with Melinda would work out. I told him I understood that, but I would be hurting for a while. But I, too, want to stay friends. I was starting to cry, so I told him that I was home and needed to go.

I’m glad with the way things turned out. I’m still hurting and some moments are better than others, but at least I’m not left wondering if he ever lied to me. I’m not left questioning myself or if I’d done something wrong. I’m not having the usual self-esteem issues when you “break up”. Not like it hurts any less, but I know the truth. I’m not left with unanswered questions. I don’t know what is going to happen. But I think maybe this was for the better. I’m going away to school soon and I’m not sure I want to be really involved with a boy, or in the process of getting over one either. I also think this is kind of solving the “Shit or get off the pot” question that was formulating. He’s off the pot, but he’s still around. I also feel like I’ve been given some time to sort out what happens and what I feel for him. The biggest question I want to decide is what happens if he and Melinda breakup and he wants to get back together with me. What would I want then? Could we go back to how we’ve been the past year? Or will I demand something more serious? Or will I not even care either way at that point? I could become the girl he screws between his serious relationships. What I need to decide is do I really want that? And how much interaction will I be able to stand with him?

But he’ll be gone till Christmas and then hopefully, I’ll be going to Fredonia, so those questions don’t need to be answered immediately. They can cook and stew in my head while I heal and sort things out.

I think I’m breaking out
I’m gonna leave you now
There’s nothing for me here, it’s all the same
And even though I know
That everything might go
Go downhill from here, I’m not afraid

Way away away from here I’ll be
Way away away so you can see
How it feels to be alone and not believe
Feels to be alone and not believe anything

You can’t stop me now
You can’t hold me down
You can’t keep me here, I’m on my way
I’ve made it this far now
And I’m not burning out
No matter what you say, I’m not afraid

Way away away from here I’ll be
Way away away so you can see
How it feels to be alone and not believe
Feels to be alone and not believe anything

Letting out the noise inside of me
Every window pane is shattering
Cutting up my words before I speak
This is how it feels to not believe

Letting out the noise inside of me
Every window pane is shattering
Cutting up my words before I speak
This is how it feels to not believe
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