my heart’s sinking like a weight

I hate people who overreact. I rarely do. **nose in the air**

BEGIN RANT: I know that I overreact sometimes. I think everyone does at one point or another. But how is saying “You’re a son of a bitch.” or “You’re a fucking dumbass,” solve anything. You end up in a swearing contest to see who can come up with the most creative insults. While that can be theraputic, how does it accomplish anything? I don’t think I’ve ever gotten into a screaming match with anyone like that. I’ll tell you whats pissing me off and you deal with it as you will. I’ll tell you what you did that hurt so fucking much and we’ll go from there. END RANT

I called and left a very strange voicemail for Mike last night. I didn’t think he’d pick up and in the morning, on the sober dawn of Sunday he texted me saying Im sorry, I will call you in a few hours. That was around 7 this morning. I texted him back and told him I had to work today. I’m not going to spend work time talking to him. I don’t want to have a mental breakdown at work and I don’t want anyone here to know whats going on right now.

Two people know anything right now as it is. Manny called literally minutes after he left. I wasn’t going to tell him, but then I decided I didn’t feel like doing that game again with him. He gave me the usual “I knew something was wrong. I could tell. I’m so high and mighty” bullshit which pissed me off. I don’t remember what else he said. I wasn’t really listening that closly. I think I agreed to go out to dinner with him. And I think I agreed to let him pay. I’m not sure what thats all about but I don’t have the energy to get into thinking about him right now.

Megan knows because, well its Megan and I called her first. Her dad told me she was at a meeting but he’d tell her I called. I told him it was really important and he said he’d make sure she got the message. So she knows. And we talked and she kinda made me feel better. She helped me justify my anger a bit.

We weren’t together, so how could I get mad at him? He didn’t cheat on me and I don’t think he lied to me. Although I don’t know. I talked to him Tuesday multiple times during the day, and he didn’t tell me about Erin. And after everything that had happened on Sunday afternoon and night, I really don’t know what he’s doing. When I talked to him on Tuesday night, he told me he was coming up to get his stuff and he was bringing someone along for company. He sounded strange and actually unhappy about what was going on. Even when he finally told me about her and when I saw him, he still seemed really unhappy.

Shit.

He was talking about how he wasn’t sure what was going on between him and Erin. He’s leaving from FL on Thursday and he won’t be back until Christmas time. I don’t think he quite gets what is going to happen between him and Erin. He probably wants to talk about it and I’m being all bitchy. He’s told me multiple times that he loves Erin to death, but he can’t see them getting back together or ever getting married. They just wouldn’t work. So I really don’t know whats going on with him. I have this funny feeling that she somehow twisted his arm into getting back together. Which is why he wanted to talk to her on the ride up to my house, about what happened with them. I know he was drunk Monday night and I’m guessing they probably slept together. I don’t know if she somehow forced him to say they were back together or something.

Don’t I feel like a bitch now.

I’m confused as all hell, and I feel horrid for being so bitchy to him. He really seemed upset when he left Tuesday night, but what was I supposed to do? I’ve always felt like just an Upstate fuck to him, so maybe thats all I really ever was.

What keeps getting to me is the whole discussion we had Sunday night. I opened up and laid my cards on the table. I told him things were getting serious whether or not we wanted them to. Its been over a year, which he didn’t realize. I told him I didn’t want to fall in love and I didn’t want to even go near the “settled-down-marriage” issue. I also told him that as much as I wanted him around all the time, I liked him for who he was, a Merchant Marine. If he wasn’t a mariner, he wouldn’t be him. If he didn’t go out and travel, he wouldn’t be the guy that I cared about. He’d be someone different. And I understood that, which is why I wanted to make sure he knew that discussion was not about trying to get him to stay home or anything along those lines. The discussion was that even though he was traveling and I was going back to school, things were getting serious. If I was the only one who was feeling like that, I wanted to know up front right now. He told me I was making sense and he did like spending time with me. He thought I was a great companion and a lot of fun to hang out with. (So that kinda made me feel like a pet dog, but oh well.) He told me he felt more comfortable and relaxed with me than anyone else. He felt safe with me and that he could let his guard down around me. I asked if that was a good thing or a bad thing and he said he wasn’t really sure yet. I totally and completely understand that. He said he didn’t want to put a label on us because he didn’t want to disappoint me and he didn’t care what other people thought of us. And I get all that. He said I was a huge support on his last post and the trip around the country. He said he just wanted to see which way the wind blew and let things progress as they did. I told him that was fine, but I just wanted to make sure he knew things were progressing. I thought he got that.

So what happened between Monday morning and Tuesday night? Or even Monday night when he saw Erin? How did things shift and change so suddenly? Did things shift suddenly or has this been building for some time? If it has been building and he’s been talking with Erin, then what the hell was Sunday night all about? Was he blowing sunshine up my ass? If he had said that things weren’t progressing and we were not getting serious, it would have hurt, no doubt whatsoever. But at least I would have been in a better state of mind when he told me that he and Erin were back together. I wouldn’t feel so used.

Eyes are feeling heavy but they never seem to close
The fan blades on the ceiling spin but the air is never cold
And even though you are next to me I still feel so alone
I just can’t give you anything for you to call your own

And I can feel you breathing
And it’s keeping me awake
Can you feel it beating?
My heart’s sinking like a weight

Something I’ve been keeping locked away behind my lips
I can feel it breaking free with each and every kiss
I couldn’t bear to hurt you but it’s all so different now
Things that I was sure of, they have filled me up with doubt

And I can feel you breathing
And it’s keeping me awake
Can you feel it beating?
My heart’s sinking like a weight

I can feel you breathing
It’s keeping me awake
Could you stop my heart?
It’s always beating.
Sinking like a weight

How am I supposed to feel about