it isn’t love of a hero

Then her brother Jimmy came and sat down next to me and the real fun began….

We were both pretty drunk at this time. He was double-fisting, beer and scotch and I was on my 7th or 8th Cosmo. He had a Senses Fail T-shirt on and I commented on it. He gave me this look and said he couldn’t believe I knew who they were. It was great. We started talking about music and bands and really hit it off. He’s not so much into the emo stuff, but we still had a lot in common. He also had cigarettes and since its Jersey, we can still smoke inside the bar.

I mentioned the “arguments” that had started due to my entries about London and America. He’s in the Air Force and has moved all over the place. He really loves it and he opened my eyes to a lot of things. He doesn’t love Bush so to speak, but he does agree with a lot of the things that Bush does. He strongly believed the US needed to go into Iraq and he strongly believed Kerry would have messed up the country even more. He said that Democrats always say they are speaking for the military community, yet 80-85% of the military voted for Bush. It is an interesting statistic and I didn’t know it before. I told him about the people who were telling me I needed to be ashamed of being a New Yorker and an American. He actually got really pissed at them and told me I should never be ashamed of that. It was kinda sweet. It was really great to talk about all that stuff with him. The whole ordeal had been bothering me all weekend and he (and other people) helped make things a lot easier to me to deal with a swallow. Eventually, both our drinks were empty and most of the other people (who I had kinda forgotten about while Jimmy and I were talking) were going to bed. Jimmy was laughing at them and asked me if I was going to bed soon. I told him I wasn’t planning on it. He said good and went to the bathroom and to get another drink. Everyone else had kind of stumbled off to bed and Jimmy and I were left in the bar with his mother and some random cousin. Since the bar was closing, he suggested we go to his room and listen to music. I was drunk and had absolutly no desire to go to bed. I was also missing Mike like crazy, and that didn’t help to whole situation. So we talked with his mom for a few minutes and then went up to his room.

A little background on Jimmy….. He got married earlier this year and my grandmother told me it was because his wife was pregnant. His wife did not come to the wedding with him because she was expecting any day. Their doctor didn’t want her traveling, but since it was his sister’s wedding, she didn’t want him to miss it. Everyone kept asking him if he was a Dad yet, and he kept saying no. I got the feeling that he wasn’t really in love with Barbara (his wife) and had only married her cause “it was the right thing to do.” I disagree with that reasoning, but thats another entry. I was drunk, way beyond what I’ve been in a long time. Inhabitions were lowered, the whole nine yards. I wasn’t so naive that I didn’t know what was happening, but I was so lonely and I missed Mike so much. I missed more than anything a warm body next to me in bed. Someone holding me and then waking up next to them in the morning. He turned on the music on his laptop and we laid on his bed watching TV, smoking cigarettes and finishing off our last beers. It was nice to just cuddle there. He told me my skin was soft and he liked the way it felt on his hand. I’ve been told that before, and I’m not sure if its a line or not. I’ll give him credit, he was smooth. He said the right things at the right time. I’m way to cynical to buy into all of it though. It kinda makes me sad that no one has ever really seduced me, like with flowers and conversation and gentle kisses and great lines. I think the only person who ever came really close was Tim. But thats another topic. But Jimmy was smooth. Made me wonder if he did this often. He was also drunk and so was I, so it may have been a lot more clumsy than I thought.

We never kissed, but eventually little warning bells started going off in my head. I ignored them for a while, but the biggest one was that he was married. He was married and expecting a child. I didn’t know what this was to him, just a drunken one night fling, or if he had pulled this before with other girls, especially after he was married. Either way, I didn’t want to be the girl who he cheated on his wife with. We were drunk, but there was no real passion. I have issues with “the other woman.” I don’t ever want to be her, although I will acknowledge the fact that someday it might happen to me. I can’t predict the future. But if this was a drunken one night fling, I didn’t want him to regret it in the morning, and certainly didn’t want to regret it. I pulled back and told him we couldn’t he was married. He said “So what,” which kind of pissed me off. It also reminded me that he married this girl cause he had too, not neccesarrily because he wanted to. He pulled me back onto the pillow and I pushed up again. I told him he was expecting a kid and he was married. He shrugged, rather drunkenly and tried to pull me back down. He’s slightly smaller than me, and much more drunk than I. We struggled for half a moment before I pulled away and sat up on the bed, pulling my shirt on. I told him I didn’t want him to do anything he might regret tomorrow morning. He didn’t say anything for a moment, then said “You’re a really good person, you know that?” I told him he was drunk and I was going to go back to my room. He grabbed my wrist and asked me to just stay a while longer. I leaned against him for a moment, and he asked me to just spend the night with him. He promised nothing would happen. I was so tempted, but he was really drunk and I wasn’t sure what would happen if I did stay. I knew if I didn’t leave soon, I wouldn’t be able to at all. So I pushed off him and finished getting dressed. He kept muttering that I was a good person and this wasn’t a bad idea, but I was a good person. I leaned on the bed and kissed him on the cheek. He said that he wanted to send me some music sometime and I nodded.

I was pretty freaked out by the whole ordeal though, which is why its taken so long to get this all down. I left his room and called Megan. Her dad answered and said she had gone to the store. I told him it was really important that I needed to talk to her. I heard the car in the background and he said that she just pulled in. I heard him go outside and tell her it was me and I said it was important. I love her dad sometimes I really do. So she came on the phone and I told her what happened. She’s great cause she gets it and she gets me and she gets why this was such a big deal to me. I had no desire to go up to my grandmother’s room, so we talked for a while, and then I went to bed. It was just a very strange night and the next day, we were leaving.

The bride’s mother (who was Jimmy’s mother too) had bought breakfast for everyone who stayed in the hotel. And we were supposed to meet everyone down there to say goodbye and what not. I didn’t want to go. I didn’t want to risk running into Jimmy. I didn’t know if he’d remember it, or what would happen, or if I would even see him. I wanted coffee though. I don’t really get hang-overs, like headaches and upset stomac