you took me for everything i had

Dear Loren,
Alright. That’s it. I’m through. I’m finished and done. If you hate me, I don’t care. Go right ahead and hate me. You were fucking dying and I couldn’t do anything to help you. There was one person I thought might be able to help. He was your boyfriend. I called him because I thought it was the right thing to do. I couldn’t call your mom. I couldn’t call your sister. I couldn’t even call 911 cause I don’t know where you live. You are dying and you have the power to stop this. You have the power and opportunity to get help and attempt to make this better. But you have decided you are going to die and I can’t convince you otherwise. I’m manic-depressive. I don’t need someone to make me think about dying because I do it enough already, thank you very much. You wear me out. After even a day with you, I feel like butter scraped over too much bread. You wear me thinner than rice paper, and I’m already not that strong to begin with. I’ve been there the past few months. When you’ve called and I’ve had things to do, I’ve answered the phone. I’ve listened to your problems and your issues. I’ve tried to help the best way I know how.

You hate me. Go ahead and hate me. I won’t call you a psycho crazy bitch, because you aren’t a psycho crazy bitch. You have issues. I have issues. The whole goddamn world has issues. Some people can figure them out on their own. Some people need therapy to work through them. Some people need medication. Some people won’t accept help that is given them.

You almost fucking died. I’ve lost friends to suicide, to cancer, to overdoses, to war. Its fucking hell. There is only so much I can take before I go fucking crazy. There are only so many times I can think I’m going to lose you before I lose it. I can’t help you. But you won’t go get help. You refuse it. Any amount of help won’t do any good until you accept help.

I don’t know why you don’t want help. I don’t understand why you don’t want to make things better. You might not be able to do this on your own. But there are professionals who can help you. But you deny their help. I CAN’T help you. I never could. I don’t know if you thought that I could. I don’t know why I think I can help my friends. Don’t ask me to just be there. Don’t ask me to stand idlely by while you kill yourself. I can’t do that.

I’m done with this. I remember why I walked away from you once before. You won’t get help. You won’t seek out anything that might help you. You have decided you are going to die. I have decided I am going to live. Those roads are in completly opposite directions, so we can’t travel together anymore. If you kill yourself and when you die, I will be saddened. I still hope that you will get help. I still hope you will live. But you have given up on yourself and I can’t do anything else. I have to live. And if that means you have to hate me, then so be it. Go ahead and hate me.

I won’t be your crutch anymore.

Signed, Me

Steve walks warily down the street,
With the brim pulled way down low
Ain’t no sound but the sound of his feet,
Machine guns ready to go
Are you ready, Are you ready for this
Are you hanging on the edge of your seat
Out of the doorway the bullets rip
To the sound of the beat

Another one bites the dust
Another one bites the dust
And another one gone, and another one gone
Another one bites the dust
Hey, I’m gonna get you too
Another one bites the dust

How do you think I’m going to get along,
Without you, when you’re gone
You took me for everything that I had,
And kicked me out on my own
Are you happy, are you satisfied
How long can you stand the heat
Out of the doorway the bullets rip
To the sound of the beat

Another one bites the dust
Another one bites the dust
Another one bites the dust
Another one bites the dust

There are plenty of ways you can hurt a man
And bring him to the ground
You can beat him, You can cheat him, You can treat him bad
And leave him when he’s down
But I’m ready, yes I’m ready for you
I’m standing on my own two feet
Out of the doorway the bullets rip
Repeating the sound of the beat

Another one bites the dust
Another one bites the dust
And another one gone, and another one gone
Another one bites the dust
Hey, I’m gonna get you too
Another one bites the dust

Another One Bites the Dust ~ Queen