To all the unheard wisdom in the schoolyard

So I finally took the test. Megan was yelling at me Wednesday night for not taking it sooner. She made an impression, so Thursday at lunch I went out and bought one. I figured I could take it while Mom was at choir and Brian was at Prism. So I did, and it was negative. It was a relief but at the same time, it causes me to worry as well. I’m not regular. And I haven’t been regular for a long time. I think the last time I was really regular was high school. It was 27 days. But once I went away to college it went hay-wire. Sometimes its late, sometimes its early, sometimes I miss altogether and honestly, I’ve reached the point where I don’t know what the regular scehdule would be. I had it in December, but only spotted in January and now its May when I’m finally getting my period! This is not good. I’ll be making another visit to the doctor because its really starting to worry me. I know stress and sex will affect my period, but this is like 3 years of it being this way. Maybe I’ve been under stress for three years, I’m not sure. Either way this can’t be heathy. I already have an appointment on Tuesday to see Adam because my throat is still swollen and sore.

Which is another thing worrying me. I had strep about two weeks ago and they put me on penicillin. Well the penicillin runs out on Sunday and my throat is swelling up again. I’m afraid my tonsils are gonna have to come out, which will be anything but fun. That will be like a week out of work, which I don’t have in time. I can’t financially afford to miss that work and honestly, I’m stressing over the fact that I just CAN’T MISS THAT TIME. I’ll come back and people will be hounding my steps – Why isn’t this done? Why isn’t that done? Look at me. I’m stressing out before the doctor has even told me what is wrong. For all I know its something completely different that can be fixed with simple medicine. That’s what I’m hoping.

I’m seriously doing the one problem at a time method right now. My brother’s NYSSMA audition is tonight and that’s my second hurdle right now. The first hurdle is getting through my day right now. I’m tired. I have a migraine. My throat is swollen, making it hard to eat and breathe. And my stomach is cramping and I just really want to go home. But I have too much work to do. And no one would be able to cover me. And then if I need to go into the hospital…. I know I’m overreacting, but I’m worried. I was talking to Diana about it and I told her I couldn’t be out for that long; I have too much work. And she told me that someone would cover me while I was gone. I half believe her. If they still haven’t hired a runner, someone will have to cover those things. But the rest of my work won’t get done. I was out sick for almost a week and I came back to NOTHING taken care of. My obits were stacked up, but no one did them. And the other “time-sensitive” things that should have been covered, they were missed too. It annoyed me. And now that I think about it and reread old entries, thats when I started really hating this place.

And if I haven’t mentioned it lately, I hate boys. We should throw rocks at them. Some days there aren’t enough rocks.

I’d be lying if I said I was completely unscathed
I might be proving you right with my silence or my retaliation
Would I be letting you win in my non reaction?
How would I explain?
How would I explain this to my children if I had them?

Because I can’t not
Because I can’t not
Because I can’t afford to be misread one more time

Would I be whining if I said I needed a hug?
Would you feel slighted if I said your love’s not enough?
How can I complain?
How can I complain when i’m the one who reaches for it?

Because I can’t not
Because I can’t not
Because I cannot walk without my crutches
Because I can’t not
Because I can’t not

Because I can’t help wonder why you ask me
To all the unheard wisdom in the schoolyard
You think you’re the right ones
You think you’re the charmed ones i’m sure
How can you go on with such conviction?
And who do you think you are why do you question me?

Because we can’t not
Because we can’t not
Because we can’t help laugh at underestimations
Because we can’t not
Because we can’t not
Because we can’t afford to be misled one more time
Because we can’t not
Because we can’t not
Because we cannot help without your willingness

Why do you affect me? why do you affect me still?
Why do you hinder me? why do you hinder me still?
Why do you unnerve? why do you unnerve me still?
Why do you trigger me? why do you trigger me still?

Can’t Not ~ Alanis Morissette