dream about the days to come

So he got a job. He’ll be in New Orleans tonight. Or on the plane to New Orleans. I’m happy for him, but I’m not happy. Which makes me more unhappy. I’m not sure I can keep up with this yo-yo relationship. Megan says its time to shit or get off the pot and she has a point. Its been over a year of this. At least this time he called to tell me he was going. I’m not in love with him. Not anywhere near that area. And I have no desire for that to happen. But somewhere, quite recently, something changed. I don’t know what or how, but I’m thinking and feeling differently than before. I imagined him standing in front of me and asking, “What do you want from me?” And honestly, I don’t know. I don’t love him, that’s for absolute sure. And I don’t want him not to go out on that ship. I know it makes him happy to go and I wouldn’t want to keep that from him. See, that question brings up another question. What do I want from me? It seems like wherever I turn, I keep ending up at that same question again and again.

And I don’t have an answer to either question.

All my bags are packed, I’m ready to go,
I’m standing here outside the door
I hate to wake you up to say goodbye.
But the dawn is breakin’, it’s early morn’,
The Taxi’s waitin’, he’s blown his horn.
Already I’m so lonesome I could die.

So kiss me and smile for me,
Tell me that you’ll wait for me,
Hold me like you never let me go.
‘Cause I’m leaving on a jet plane,
Don’t know when I’ll be back again.
Oh babe, I hate to go.

There’s so many times I’ve let you down,
So many times I’ve played around,
I tell you now they don’t mean a thing.
Ev’ry place I go I’ll think of you
Ev’ry song I sing I sing for you.
When I come back I’ll bring your wedding ring.

So kiss me and smile for me,
Tell me that you’ll wait for me,
Hold me like you never let me go.
‘Cause I’m leaving on a jet plane,
Don’t know when I’ll be back again.
Oh babe, I hate to go.

Now the time has come to leave you,
One more time let me kiss you,
Then close your eyes, I’ll be on my way.
Dream about the days to come,
When I won’t have to leave alone,
About the times I won’t have to say.

So kiss me and smile for me,
Tell me that you’ll wait for me,
Hold me like you never let me go.
‘Cause I’m leaving on a jet plane,
Don’t know when I’ll be back again.
Oh babe, I hate to go.

Leaving on a Jet Plane ~ John Denverin all honesty, its not a bad thing at first. My room is organized and ready for school because of that manic episode. But then I’m not sleeping and I’m not eating. I’m running very fast and high on very little fuel. I also think, hey, I might lose some weight doing this. I don’t need food so my body will dig into my fat or energy. But its not healthy and again reality is skewed. People will look at me and think, “Oh, she’s a little intense but its not that big of a deal,” when actually it is a huge deal.

The feelings of exuberance and overconfidence that characterize mania can lead to several patterns of behavior typical of the manic state: spending sprees, sexual promiscuity, and overuse of alcohol and other intoxicating substances.

Here is the reason behind my sexuality, my smoking, some of my drinking and anything else I do that is out of character for me. I’m starting to think I’m going through this at the worst point in my life. I’m changing and growing up and trying to mature. I’m not going to ever be the same girl I was in high school or before that, but no one is the same person they were in high school or before that. Ideas are challenged, morals are questioned, faith evolves. Everything morphs, changes, matures into the person you are going to be. So am I that crazy, emotional, smoker girl who drinks and sleeps around? Am I growing up into that suicidal freak who obsesses and can’t deal with anything? That is not the person I want to be. And I am changing that. But I also know that I can’t be the same innocent little goody-two shoes I was in high school. I can’t regress into being that child again. So where am I and where is the bipolarism? When am I me and when am I sick? What is an “episode” and what is real? I know that I can never completely split apart myself and my bipolarism. It is forever linked. If I wasn’t bipolar, I wouldn’t be who I am. But who the fuck am I?

As the manic state continues to develop, pressure, racing thoughts, increased energy lever and loss of inhibitions lead to more grossly disorganized and disturbed thinking and behavior. Thinking patterns not only spin faster and fast but also become more bizarre. Hallucinations can develop, and beliefs called delusions can occur.

I notice it because it is inside my own head. My thinking, my rationalizations become farther and farther removed from reality. I don’t know that I’ve ever hallucinated, but I do have a few moments in my life where I’m not completely sure of what happened. I’m not missing huge chunks of time and I don’t “wake” hours later without knowing what happened or how I got someplace. And there is a difference between little things that people forget in general (like what shirt I was wearing on March 17, 1994) and the things that I just can’t explain. I can’t always explain what was going on in my head. For example, there was a night that is so fuzzy in my brain, I didn’t really remember it until my mother mentioned it to me. I remember the night only in part. I remember being upset. I remember being really really upset. I don’t remember what I was upset about, or even if there was anything to begin with. I remember wanting to get out of the house so badly. My mother has told me the rest of the story. She said I called up to her and Dad that I was going out for a walk. She only made note of this because it was very late and it was very cold. She said I was gone for sometime and she became worried. She went out looking for me and found me on the playgroud. I was sitting on the swings, crying hysterically and beating my head with the chains. She said I kept screaming about the voices in my head. I just wanted those voices to go away. She somehow convinced me to go inside and go to bed. I don’t remember that night. Beyond being upset, and being really upset I don’t remember a thing about that night.

Even for person who have a history of previous manic or depressive episodes of bipolar disorder and perhaps should know that trouble is brewing, the giddy delight of being hypomanic often seems to delicious to interrupt.

And here is the dangerous part of all this. Its a secret. I like being manic. I like staying up and getting things done and feeling smart and wonderful. I like having ideas and thoughts and this wonderful floating feeling. I get so much of a high from doing that, solving problems, crossing things off my list. Sometimes when I know that its coming, I’ll hide it from Jenny and from my mother. I’ll pretend I’m sleeping or whatever. I’ll purposely slow myself down so they don’t notice right away. Of course, it doesn’t really work cause eventually I can’t slow myself down enough and I can’t hide that I’m not sleeping. But damn its fun while it lasts.

Guilty ruminations are especially characteristic of the syndrome of depression. The individual frequently feels to blame for his or her troubles, and sometimes for other peoples’ troubles as well.

Now, I’ve gotten all the other parts of depression down – sadness, loss, regret, hopelessness. But this – guilty ruminations. Somehow I slipped past that sentence. Guilty – I always feel guilty. Something goes wrong at home, like the vacuum machine breaking, I feel guilty. I shouldn’t have used it in my car and put those rocks through it. Something goes wrong at work, like an attorney can’t find a file, I feel guilty. I should have double-checked every piece of paper that crossed my desk. Something goes wrong at school, like music being lost, I should have chased down that slimey little freshman. Something goes wrong with my friends, like their girlfriend/boyfriend breaks their heart, I should have seen it coming. I should have protected them. Is that rational? Course not. I’m immature, I’m dramatic. Actually I’m bipolar. Look at that. I’ve hated Ellie. I’ve hated her so much I’ve wanted to wring her neck. She broke Brian’s heart and I hate her for it. Wait, no its not hate, its anger. And its not really Ellie I’m made at. Its displaced anger, that should be directed at me. And its actually not anger, its guilt. I should have known she was bad for him. Wait, wait. I knew she was bad for him. So why didn’t I tell him, convince him not to do it? Heh. Yeah, tell Brian who he can and can’t date. So its not my fault, right? Right. So why do I feel so damn guilty and angry about it? Manny thinks I can’t let go of it. Brian thinks I’m just immature. Actually I’m bipolar. Suddenly it all makes sense and I can actually let it go.

That traces back to not being able to get over something until I know what I’m getting over. All of a sudden, I’m starting to make sense of myself. All of a sudden, I’m starting to clear things out of my head. Things I never could even venture near, I can get over. I can let go and mvoe past. I swear this past week has been like housekeeping in my brain. And now, I can write again. I can breath again.

Well, sort of.

if you ran to the end of the earth
i would catch you and you would be safe
if you fell down the well
i would bring you a rope and take all the pain

all the pain, all the pain
that you hide from me everyday

if youre missing i will run away
i will build a path to you
if you’re missing i will run away
because I find myself in you

if i woke up alone i won’t stop till i’ll find you and you are with me
cause by now, i know you better than you know yourself
and i know what you really need
what you need, or i need
but either way this is where you should be
here with me, or ill bleed so much that you wont believe

if you’re missing i will run away
i will build a path to you
if you’re missing i will run away
because I find myself in you

you better not, you better not run
you better not, you better not run

if you’re missing i will run away
i will build a path to you
if you’re missing i will run away
i will find you
i will find you
i will find you

Runaway ~ Something Corporate