Finally….a breakthrough…

I got something….Thursday at therapy I finally figured something out.

In high school, I was a big fish in a little pond in regards to music. I wasn’t egotistical, least I don’t think I was. But its just true. All my life, I’d been told my people that I was good, that I had a gift. Parents sign some sort of agreement form that says they will always praise their child’s hobbies. I’m kidding of course, but when my mother used to tell me that I sounded amazing in fifth grade, I knew even back then the truth was I sounded like a dying duck.

I was terrified of the conservatories like Julliard and Eastman. A part of me was afraid of failing and another part was that if I went to a conservartory, I would end up hating music because I was doing it all the time. So I choose what should have been my safety-net school. I should have applied to Julliard and Eastman and NEC and whatnot and then had Calvin at the bottom of my bag of tricks should nothing else work out. But instead, I only applied to my safe school and of course, I got it. I was really scared of going out and meeting new musicians who hadn’t known me for years, and who didn’t know my parents and everything else about me. I was afraid of being a small fish in a big pond. I was afraid that going to the conservatories, I would be told “Yeah, you have limited talent and you’ll never make it as a musician.” So I choose the safe school. Even though I wasn’t as connected at Calvin, I was still a big fish in a small musical pond. Even so, my biggest fear came true. I was told “Yeah, you suck and you’ll never make it.” Except this wasn’t a conservatory professor telling me this. It was the Director of Music at a Liberal Arts School. If I couldn’t make it there, I couldn’t make it anywhere. So my brain just got even more screwed up than it already was. Lucky me.

I’m not sure if that all makes sense, but it makes sense to me. I didn’t want to go to a conservatory because I was afraid of being told I suck at the oboe. So I didn’t go, but I was still told I suck at the oboe. How damaging.

I need to just accept the fact that he wasn’t gettin’ any that year……

I was the same way in high school, big fish, really small pond. college put me in a whole new world that I had no idea how to cope with. there were tons of people just like me, book smart. I was pretty handicapped by my parents keeping such a tight rein on me that I had no time or money skills & could not deal with out structure.

Shazar

April 25, 2005

I am the same way with most of my Life! I chose a safety-college because I was afraid to fail. Or maybe because I felt like I cheated somehow. Everyone goes through these “processes” when they’re young – learning to draw, learning music – even if basic stuff, it’s sets the fundamental. I never had that. I learned my trade by neccesity, a job had to be done. And I feel guilty about that…

I always felt lesser than my peers because they learned to be “true” artists while I held a job that forced me to learn those same skills through harsh experience. I lacked the academic authority to take pride in my abilities. And that is a very tragic thing. We are artists because we have humbled ourselves, we’re so much better than that. I am better. You Are Better. So let’s be proud of us. 🙂