Same old story. What’s the use of tears?
So, I haven’t updated in a while, at least for me. Things have been very busy and stressful lately. I’ve been haunted by memories of old boyfriends. I’m not obsessing over the infinite “What If”. I’m just trying to dissect the past, so I don’t repeat my mistakes and lose everything again. The semester is drawing to a close and I’m starting to wonder the famous question… “What next?” I’m comfortable, and yet I’m not. I’m safe and secure and yet there is so much unknown uncertainty. I’m haunted by the comments I get from people at church. “You are so talented. What a blessing you are to us. You’re amazing.” None of them are meaning to put any pressure on me, except maybe Joe. But it does. Every time I play, I feel the wonder from the choir. Almost like voices on the wind. “Why doesn’t she do more? Go farther, become better than this?” Unfortunately, I don’t know. Part of me is terrified of repeat failure. Part of me is scared of what is out there. I’ve been in the world. I’ve seen my share of it. And I like my little small-town bubble, thank you very much. I want to live out on an island somewhere. Where everyone knows you and where change is a slow as a lazy summer breeze. I know such places do exist. But what if I can’t change the pressure I feel? Then where would I go? I know about 98% of pressure felt from other people is all imaginary. I know none of them will love me or respect me less if I stay right where I am and never leave. But I still feel them wondering, like a storm far out on sea. You can barely see the dark clouds, and the thunder is almost drowned out by the waves. But you know its still out there.
My analogies are all off today. I can’t seem to think straight or focus on anything. I feel like I’m spinning out of control and I can’t grasp onto anything. Its not a good feeling.
Did you see them
Going off to fight?
Children of the barricade
Who didnt last the night?
Did you see them
Lying where they died?
Someone used to cradle them
And kiss them when they cried.
Did you see them lying side by side?
Who will wake them?
No one ever will.
No one ever told them
That a summer day can kill.
They were schoolboys
Never held a gun
Fighting for a new world
That would rise up with the sun.
Wheres that new world now the fightings done?
Nothing changes. Nothing ever will.
Every year another brat, another mouth to fill.
Same old story. Whats the use of tears?
Whats the use of praying
If theres nobody who hears?
Turning turning turning turning turning
Through the years.
Turning, turning, turning through the years.
Minutes into hours, and the hours into years.
Nothing changes. Nothing ever can
Round about the roundabout, and back where you began.
Round and round and back where you began!
Turning ~ Les Misérables