Fortress Secure

He told me he feels comfortable around me. Even though we didn’t know each other in high school, he just has that comfort level with me – the kind you have with old friends. He said he doesn’t know if its a good thing or a bad thing, but he doesn’t feel like he has any walls around me or any barriers. He’s completely unguarded around me. Great.

I’m still guarded. I’m not sure if that’s because I’m still suffering from old scars or because I don’t trust him for some reason. And its not really that I don’t trust him. I’m just guarded when it comes to him.

Honestly, I’m guarded when it comes to any new person. I mentioned to him we’ve known each other almost a year. I’m not sure he realizes the significance of that. Well, it’s not really the right word. It’s not like I think of it as our aniversary. But my friends tend to come and go relatively quickly. My closest friends have the test of time on their side. With more time that goes by, the more comfortable I feel around him. With more time, more walls come down. I think thats what ended up happening with TIm. I’d been with him for some time and we’d been through a few things, so my walls came down. Which is also why it hurt so much when he laid waste to everything. Maybe thats why I find myself pulling back from him again. I feel the walls coming fown and I’m tensing up, pulling back, waiting for the other shoe to drop. And I know I shouldn’t be so cynical, but I can’t seem to help myself.

As much as I want things to remain constant and the same, I can sense them changing. For the first time since probably like our first date, I wish he’d call the next day. It’s never bothered me before. I’ts never bothing me that I’ll see him one day and not talk to him for a few weeks before he calls again. Except this time. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not mad that he didn’t call. He never has before and he knows I don’t expect it. But I wish he had. I’ve never even noticed before that he hasn’t called. But this time I did. And I was sad not to hear from him. I actually wanted to hear from him. Does this mean things are changing? Or am I just insane?