another waste of everything you dreamed of

I haven’t decided if this is a good thing or a bad thing yet. Both Manny and my father has this affect on me. So does my mother, I guess. But with her its differnt. Arguments with either of those men usually result in my crying. And that results in exaiming why I’m crying and why I let them get to me that way. It also causes issues at work.

This morning, Pat called me to see if I had any paperwork from the errand I ran on Friday to the Clerk’s office. First, it must be said that the Clerk’s office was very busy and I had quite a few errands as well. And the woman at the Clerk’s office is an idiot. I wish I could request the better people to help me. Anyways, she was clueless and coudln’t do the thing for my dad. She told me she’d have it mailed for Monday. So anyway, I told Pat, who said she needed it. It didn’t come in the amil. My dad called down and gave me this big attitude, ending with “Thanks for nothing.” I hung up on him. He can be such an asshole sometimes. There is no excuse for talking to me like that. So he made me cry. Which pisses me off because I wish I could just let it roll of my back. Especially since its work. Non of the other attorneys make me cry. Well ALG came close, but its ok, I kind of deserved it. I didn’t deserve it from my father.

What gets to me is the reason behind my reaction – angry tears. It really hurt. And it shouldn’t. He treats me like that all the time. Or rather see-saws from on to the other constantly. Maybe thats the bigger problem. He’s been so great lately. I love going up to see him, getting hugs and what not. And then all of a sudden this. And I’m sure being tired and sick and stressed out, doesn’t help at all. The worst thing is that 20 minutes later, he’s acting like nothing is wrong. Maybe I should be telling him that it bothers me, but I don’t. I’m also not sure if he gets this way with everyone or just me. I know he barks at everyone, so maybe I shouldn’t take it so personal. But I know that he demands respect from me, so why can’t I expect the same of him? Its just frustrating as hell.

Something I’ve noticed with some people, is that things they demand of others, they sometimes lack themselves. Take my dad. He demands to be treated respectfully, but sometimes he doesn’t treat others that way. My mother can’t stand to be interrupted, but she constantly does it to me and my father. She says its a sign that she’s listening and has feedback. But often her interruptions cut off important information. Anyways, I’m rambling…

I’m feeling the time crunch on my life again. I need another extra six hours in the day and I’d be fine. I have massive amounts of work to do on my desk, which I would gladly stay overtime and work. But I classes and studying to do (which I should be doing now), where I also feel like I’m floundering. I have such massive amounts of studying and paper-writing to so. And I only have two classes! Why the hell do I want to go back to school? Oh, yeah – music. That’s the other thing I don’t have time for right now. I want to play my oboe. I need to practice and make reeds, but I lack the time. And let’s not forget Skirts and Sweaters. I have about four songs that are started with basic harmony ideas, but they need to be finished and recorded. I want to spend time with my family – go see my Grandma, uncles and what not. I could creat time, by taking time off from work, but then I’ll come back to more work than I have now. It’s not worth it. And I need the money. And let’s not forget my friends. They may be few at this point, but I still love them and miss them. I want to find time to spend with them. And I need to find time for me. To think, to relax, to analyze what’s in my head. I don’t need to overanalyze things, but I do need time for myself. I want time to exercise and workout. I have the gym-membership and I want to lose the weight – I just lack the time. I’d also love to start a young adult group at churc. I think Secret Asian Man and I are the only single 20-somethings at church and we need to create some place to get together and hopefully draw more people in. But again, I lack the time to do all this.

What I need is really amazing time management. And everyone knows I really suck at that. So I’m wishing for six more hours in the day. Its the better bet. How sad is that?

So you’re standin on the ledge
It looks like you might fall
Its so far down
Or maybe you were thinkin about jumpin
Now you could have it all
If you learned a little patience
For though I cannot fly
I’m not content to crawl
So give me a little credit
Have in me a little faith
I wanna be with you forever
If tomorrow’s not too late
But its always too late when you got nothin
So you say
You should never let the sun set on tomorrow
Before the sun rises today

If I am
Another waste of everything you dreamed of
I will let you down
If I am
Only here to watch you as you suffer
I will let you down

So you’re walkin on the edge
And you wait your turn to fall
But you’re so far gone
That you don’t see the hands upheld to catch you
And you could find the fault
In the heart that you’ve been handed
For though you cannot fly
You’re not content to crawl
And its always too late when you got nothin
So you say
But we should never let the sun set on tomorrow
Before the sun rises

If I am
Another waste of everything you hoped for
I will let you down
If I am
Only here to watch you as you suffer
I will let you down

So you’re standin on the ledge
It looks like you might fall

If I am
Another waste of everything you dreamed of
I will let you down
If I am
Only here to watch you as you suffer
I will let you down

The answers we find
Are never what we had in mind
So we make it up as we go along
You don’t talk of dreams
When i won’t mention tomorrow
And we won’t make those promises we can’t keep

I will never leave you
I will not let you down
I will never leave you
I will not let you down

If I Am ~ Nine Days