I am human and I need to be loved

Life is strange. Spending time with Rob and Ali was strange and strained for that matter. As much as I miss them, I don’t think we can have that friendship anymore. It’s over. My dad seems too willing to just say Ok, its over. Move on. He has his steady “gang” at the firehouse though. Like he said, that group of friends never dies out because there are always younger kids joining. It keeps the place alive. Which makes me really happy for him. But I don’t have a place like that. I think in a way, he’s love for me to join the firehouse, but I don’t want to. I admire those involved and I respect them for what they do. I’m jealous of the bond they seem to have as well. But that is my father’s place. I don’t really want to invade on that. And I know I wouldn’t be, but still. I don’t really want to be a part of it. I realise its a huge responsibility and I don’t want that on my head.

I think I really only have two true lifetime friends. And I really believe they will be my friends forever. Maybe one day one of them will stab me in the back. Or for whatever reason, they might live. There is a part of me that knows that. But there’s another part of me that doesn’t really believe they would do that to me. I’m talking about Megan and Manny, of course. I used to think Settle and John might fit into that. Or even Kimmy. But I don’t really think so anymore. I haven’t spoken to Kimmy since she moved to Washington. She didn’t even really call to say goodbye or anything. And John – I haven’t talked to him longer than that. Brian is different though. With John and Kimmy, we just drifted apart. Life took us on very different paths and now our friendship and closeness is over. I mean, we’ll always be friends. But the kind of friends who see each other on the street and run over to say hello. Then we talk for five or ten minutes and say how we should get together and hang out. But we both know that will never happen. Thankfully, Rob and Ali didn’t say anything like that. I wasn’t going to say it either. I’m not going to drop them because they are friends with Heather, but the fact remains they are friends with Heather. And a lot of our memories and connections have to do with Heather.

Life goes on. I’ve clung to Brian for so long. And I’ve tried to convince myself that he cares, but honestly, I don’t think he does anymore. The fact that I have to remind myself that he cares, makes me realise I don’t believe it anymore. I’m not mad at him. I think he got very frustrated with my being bipolar. He didn’t understand it. What makes me think he doesn’t care is that he never tried to understand it. Bipolarism explains so much about me and about the way I am, from sleeping and eating habits to mood swings. By the time I was diagnosised, Brian was gone. He no longer cared. But he’s no longer there. A part of me wants to hurt him. Because he really hurt me. A part of me wants to strike out and cripple him, make him scream in pain. But I can’t. As much as I want revenge, I don’t want to hurt him. I want him to be happy. It just makes me sad. That he can’t understand me. Its almost to the point where its painful to think about him. I wish I could explain it all to him. I wish he would be willing to listen and try to understand. But he’s not. I suppose part of this all is the fact that he is overseas and he is busy. I understand that, I really do. I think the severing knife in our relationship was when he didn’t answer back when my grandfather died. Needing someone, is like needing a parachute. If he’s not there the first time, chances are you won’t be needing them again. I didn’t quite feel that until now. It was one point in my life when I needed him. And not like I needed him to come racing to my side. I understand he has a life and was on his way to Rome. But a phone call, an email – anything would have helped. Manny was there. Loren was there. Even Anne-Marie was there. She jumped up and gave me this big hug at the hospital. I look back and realise now that Kaba wasn’t there. She never called. Not once during the week I was down there. Mike called. I was so surprised, but he called. Huh. Its one of those moments when you realise who your true friends are. And where they rank on your “scale of friends.” It was that moment that Mike surpassed Brian. Brian has been there through his share of hard times. He’s been great. Which is why I think I forgave him and made excuses for him so quick. It was so unlike him.

I guess I don’t really care anymore. I mean, I do care cause it still hurts. But its life. “It’s the story of my life. When everything is going great, something inevitability happens that will ruin it.” ~Piper So maybe its bad that I’m using Charmed quotes to explain things, but I relate to it. Probably why Piper is my favorite character as well. As much as good things happen and I always wait for the other shoe to drop. “When you experience happiness, tragedy follows … Leaving you destined to a lifetime of pain, a pain that continues on and on, even into the next generation.” More from Charmed. I should try to find courage and strength and just get over it. But that’s scary and difficult.

I am the son
And the heir
Of a shyness that is criminally vulgar
I am the son and heir
Of nothing in particular

You shut your mouth
How can you say
I go about things the wrong way
I am Human and I need to be loved
Just like everybody else does

I am the son
And the heir
Of a shyness that is criminally vulgar
I am the son and the heir
Of nothing in particular

You shut your mouth
How can you say
I go about things the wrong way
I am Human and I need to be loved
Just like everybody else does

There’s a club, if you’d like to go
You could meet someone who really loves you
So you go, and you stand on your own
And you leave on your own
And you go home
And you cry
And you want to die

When you say it’s gonna happen now,
Well, when exactly do you mean?
See I’ve already waited too long
And all my hope is gone

How Soon is Now? ~ The Smiths