Christening of Charlotte

I haven’t written a real entry in almost a week, but not for lack of news. I’d rather bury my head in the lyrics quizzes I’ve been posting instead. Avoidance and surpression – my two strong characteristics.

Seeing Jenny last week was perfect. I wish it could have been longer, cause I have so much to tell her. But I’m going back in two weeks. She get me back on my meds as well. My mom and I had been talking if I really needed the meds at all. She doesn’t know whats been going on in my head the past six months, so she seems to think everything is fine. Maybe she is right and sugar pill would do the same thing the real meds do. It could be completly psychological. But if it was, wouldn’t I feel the effects immediately after taking the meds? I believe they help and they certainly aren’t doing any harm….yet. Anyways, I’m taking the meds and seeing Jenny. It relieves a stress burden ever so slightly.

I went North for the weekend, by myself. Mom really didn’t want me to go. Dad tried to convince me to go someplace else, but where else could I go? I told him my critera was someplace not in the county (I wanted a road trip), someplace I could be left alone and someplace cheap. My parents own the cabin, so there are no “stay over charges,” like in a hotel. Its 3 hours away, far enough to be a road trip but not so far that you spend all day driving. And there is no one there to bother me. its not that I mind company, but I wanted to be alone with my thoughts and my history book. Mom wanted me to take someone with me but that would defeat the point of being alone. I wanted to be able to do my own thing and not worry about what someone else wanted to do. Is that selfish? Yeah, maybe a little, but it would have been more selfish to drag someone along and make them listen to my music, watch my movies and be silent while I studied and whatever. And the weekend was perfect. I left Saturday morning and got there around 2pm. I went to Walmart and got beer since I didn’t bring any with me, visited Pauline for about an hour, then got down to studying and warming up the house. The electric heat did nothing to help, but the fire kept me warm enough. I got a lot of studying done, although now my head is filled with Reconstruction facts and names from the late 1800s. It was nice, to just get away. I spent time sitting and just watching the fire, listening to the air hiss form the wood and the snap and crack as the woom burned. I’ve always thought fire looked like faeries dancing on the charred logs. I’ve decided if faeries do exist and I could become one, I’d like to be a fire faery, leaping and dancing across the hot coals.

Manny and I talked for a long time, too. We talked about the Kathleen and Brian situation, which lead into male vs. female talks, about how guys and girls react to situations. That led into talking about how someone who suffers from depression or bipolarism reacts to things. I’ve always been hopeless. In every situation, I always think of the worst outcome. Manny agreed when I said most girls think like that. Generally speaking, guys will get up and go for it. As Manny explained it, he reached the lowest of the low with me. He made it through to the other side. So while he won’t dive headfirst back into that hell hole, he knows he could make it through. For me, its much different. I came way too close to not making it through to want to go anywhere near that place again.

A way of describing it is an infinite abyss of misery. Manny and “normal people” get close to the hole, even close enough to look down it. Maybe they throw a stone down to see if it will hit the bottom. But they are safe on solid ground and can make their way back to some semblence of happiness. I and bipolar people, on the other hand, walk up to the edge of the abyss and look down too. Before we know it, we are slipping and sliding down the side. Its a rock skree and there is nothing to grab to halt the progression to suicide. You try clawing your way out and the more you struggle, the more the rocks shift and deeper you go. I’ve been too close to literally not making it out and away from the abyss to be willing to take the risk of getting close.

Its like walking a path (road of life analogy, here we go) and having the road split in front of you. One direction is safe and well-lit and utterly lonesome. You are completly alone, but you are still there. The other way is a mystery. You make strike gold and find the bridge to perfect happiness, or you may find yourself slipping helplessly down the rock skree. Now as unhappy as that lonely brightly lit road may seem, it does provide one comfort. You are still alive. There is less of a chance of falling down that rock skree. Granted in the life of bipolar, there are potholes that may create a different rock skree, but that is life.

You don’t put yourself in a situation where you may truly be harmed. Like going to a party and drinking, then trying to drive home. Some people may go to that party and not drink. Some people may plan to drink and have a designated drive. They have control. But some people know their weakness. They know if they go to the party, their chances of drinking and driving are very high. There is the chance of having an amazing time and nothing goes wrong, but the probablity is not in the positive favor. These people choose to bypass the party completely. Why put yourself in harm’s way if it cane be avoided? It really all comes down to human nature, I guess.

But I digress. The weekend was excatly what I needed and the timing couldn’t be even more perfect. I left Sunday night and pulled into my county just as the flurries started to fall. Monday my parents went to the funeral of a local teacher who had died of a heartattack on Friday. They spent all day with the family and friends. He was truly a great man. I spent the day doing random things around the house. Mike came over Monday evening to help my dad move the heavy furniture. Our living room, dining room and hallway floors are getting redone, so all the furniture had to go. It was good that he was there to help out. And it was kinda nice to see him. My dad likes him, which worries me. Mostly because there is nothing serious between me and Mike and I don’t see anything serious happening ever. Maybe it will, but I doubt it. Besides moving out together, but that’s a different story.

I talked to Ryan and Justin last night online. I seriously don’t know what to do about those two. One minute Justin is flirting and the next he’s cool and distant. Ryan is just amusing, always making me smile. But I get the feeling he only tells me about the girls he’s crushing on to make me jealous. I wanted to ask Justin what he thought, but then Justin was being flirty too. I just don’t know. I love them too much to date them. Does that make sense? I’m scared if I do date one, doesn’t matter who, and it doesn’t work, I’ll lose them both as friends. I mean if some girl dated your little (or older) brother and then broke his heart, would you stay friends with her? It would be tough. And they bring back slight memories of Matt and Danny. Though that situation had a lot of differences. Mostly the fact that Matt died; we didn’t really break up, but you know what I mean. And I love my Grover boys. I wouldn’t want to do an