Interesting Weekend

This weekend was interesting. Its the best way to put it. Mike called on Thursday and was going to come up for dinner, but then his cousin called and needed him to baysit. So we put it off for Friday. He had asked if he could sleep over Friday night, since his sister was having a friend of hers spend the night. He didn’t want to be stuck in the apartment with his sister and her 13-year-old friends. But he took them to the movies before he came to pick me up. We went to a late dinner at Hobnobbin’, which is quickly becoming our favorite place to go. We ended up sitting and talking for a few hours, which was…well interesting. He told me some things which really shake up things in my head.

His old girlfriend, Erin, wants to get back together. She wants to “take the next step,” as she put it. He doesn’t like that and he’s not sure he’s ready to get back with her. He said that he loves her but he’s just not ready to be in a committed relationship like that, especially with her. Something along the lines of me and Manny, but not excatly the same. Well that was one thing he brought up, which led into the next thing. Erin wanted him to move in with her and he really doesn’t like that idea. But Brian (his roomie lover) has been talking about buying a house in Florida and moving down there. Mike said he wants to go with him. In his own words, “I love that kid. If I was gay, I’d marry him.” Cracks me up. The problem comes because Mike doesn’t want to leave his sister. He knows that moving to Florida means he’ll see her less than he does now, and the same goes for his grandmother and brother. He doesn’t like that idea. So he wants to move to Florida and establish residence there but still have an apartment up here in New York. Then he can come and go up here as he pleases. That’s where Erin’s offer had come into play. She told him he could live with her, but he’s not too keen on the idea. He wants to find a good friend, not an current or ex girlfriend, that he can trust and he likes to get a place with. He said he’ll pay his half of the rent, even if he’s not around and he just wants to have a place to call his own when he comes up here. He asked me what my plans were for the future and if I was moving out soon.

Its perfect and so messed up at the same time. The idea of Kaba and I moving out together fell through a while ago, even if she still hasn’t realized it. I want to go away to school, but what if I’m not ready – academically or psychologically? The best thing may be for me to stay here for another year or so. Try to make some more money from the law firm and figure out some more of my head. I found Jenny, and I get to see her this Thursday. I’ve been having scary thoughts – driving off the road thoughts – which made me finally call her. Maybe I’m not as stable as I like to think I am. My other “issue” is that I’m not happy. I started to realize this just recently too. I try to make the best of this job because I have to work, but I’m not happy. Work is stressing me out and I’m not happy. The problem comes because I can’t figure out what will make me happy. I can’t say for sure that going away to school will make me happy. I can’t say that getting a husband and having a family will make me happy. I’m unhappy, but I don’t know what will change that. Maybe going away is the right thing, but I’m scared that it won’t be and all that will happen is a repeat of Calvin. So I need to go back to Jenny. So that is one step I’m taking. But if it ends up I don’t go back to school, for whatever reason, maybe moving out is a great idea. And the arrangement with Mike might work out. But thats an issue in of itself. I don’t know what my parents will think of it, although I don’t care that much. But I do want their blessing and support if I do move out. And knowing that my roommate will be able to pay half the rent, and not worry about that will be really nice too. And he and I might work out as roommates.

But I don’t know. There are always questions. I’m close to him, no doubt about that. And I’ve written before about the effect he has on me. He makes me want to do whats best for me. I don’t want to just settle for anything. And honestly I don’t think we’d make a good couple. Honestly, he’s a little too self-involved for me sometimes. But we’re both at the age where thats ok. We are good friends and the sex is great, let me just say that. I have a lot of fun hanging out with him, and I trust him to a certain extent. But there are things about me that he just doesn’t know about. I don’t think he knows how important music is to me or how devastating the loss of my Alaska boys was to me. But he was there when Jenny left and he saw me at one of my worst times. And he was there for me when my grandfather died. Ok – he wasn’t there physically. But he called to make sure I was ok. That meant so much to me. That week too showed me who my true friends are. Loren was there when I heard the news and she was great. Manny came over and was amazing. And Mike actually called me in Florida to make sure I was ok. I don’t know. He’s not anywhere near a best friend but he’s been really great to me, and for me. I have to laugh at myself sometimes though because its a really strange (even mature?) relationship we are in. He says we are great friends, but we also sleep together, which is great too. I’ve never had anything like this before and I think he knows it. I must say he is being really great about it all. But his offer to move out together kinda threw me for a loop.

On one hand, how perfect is this. If I don’t go away to school, I can’t stay at home anymore. I’ll end up killing myself or my parents. And since Kaba and I aren’t moving in together, I need someone else. Someone I can trust to pay the rent every month, someone I trust to leave my oboe and English horn and everything else open to. And I feel like I can trust him for that. Its been almost a year that we’ve been friends and stuff has happened, stuff that makes me like him and trust him. But also stuff that makes me think we wouldn’t work as husband and wife. Which is a good and bad thing, I guess. He’s a really good friend and its great sex. So would we work as roommates? What if I end up going away to school next year? That leaves him in the same position. What if he gets back together with Erin? Would he move in with her? I wonder what if anything he has told Erin about me. I know he doesn’t go blabbing to everyone about his private life because thats not him. But lets just say Erin and Mike did get back together. Would he move in with her? What would she think of him and I living together? Would she ask him if we’d ever slept together? I’m not sure what would happen if she did know. She might demand that we not live together, and from her perspective I understand that. Its completely understandable, at least to me as a girl. Mike, as a guy, might not understand what the big deal is. Especially since I will not sleep with him if he’s with Erin. But what if they get back together, then break up, then get back together and break up and continue like that. Or just get into fights or whatever. I’m not going to be his piece of ass on the side. I don’t want a commitment from him, but I don’t want to be there when Erin won’t give him any for whatever reason.BR>
Way away away from here I’ll be
Way away away so you can see
How it feels to be alone and not believe
Feels to be alone and not believe anything

Way Away ~ Yellowcard