try to focus but everything’s twisted

I was going over old conversations I had with Heather when our friendship was ending. I was realising back then similiar things I am realising now with Kaba. Heather, for whatever reason, was twisting around what had happened in connection with McNaughton. She was telling Ali that I was jealous and that I was blaming her for everything. I was never jealous of Ali, but on some level I did blame her for a while. But I got over it. I can even remember the day that the three of us all sat down and cried our eyes out. I realised I didn’t have to forgive Ali because she didn’t do anything wrong. McNaughton had manipulated her.

Anyways, that is all old drama. Heather was somehow twisting what I was feeling and telling Ali all these lies about me. She also had a conversation with some unknown person about something she couldn’t tell me about. But because of that conversation, she didn’t want to see me ever again. I got to the point where I didn’t care anymore. Everything had gotten so twisted and corrupted I didn’t think we’d be able to sort everything all out. I still don’t know what the hell that conversation was about or who it was with, and to be honest, it still pisses me off. Its like saying “I’m mad because of something someone said to me, but I can’t tell you why I’m mad or what they said or who they are.” The fact that she was lying to Ali, telling Ali I hated her and blamed her for everything, was making me upset too. She was also lying to me. She kept telling me that Ali didn’t want to be around me. So I left Ali alone. I don’t force people to be my friend. If you don’t like me, good for you. I won’t try to change your mind. It’s your opinion and you are entitled to it. So Heather was basically keeping me and Ali from being friends. I’m not sure if she did it because she truly believed both sides of the story were true and she didn’t understand us, or if she was maliciously trying to hurt us both. I’m pretty sure Heather and Ali are still friends, which is fine with me. I remember telling Manny that Heather and I couldn’t be friends because she wasn’t allowing me to grow and change. My feelings are hardly absolute and set in stone. Especially when dealing with something as hard as the McNaughton situation.

Now looking back on everything, its similiar to the situation with Kaba. She’s lying to my friends and telling them I don’t like them and I don’t want to be around them. She’s manipulating situations and people for….actually I don’t even know what for. I can not see how what she’s doing is any help to her. Maybe by doing this she feels popular, because no one talks to each other, we only talk to her. We think the other people don’t like us, but good old Kaba, who let us know about those other people’s “real” feelings is always there. Which is actually bullshit as well. She’s not there for me all the time. Sometimes because life happens and sometimes by choice. The life stuff doesn’t bother me because its stuff that is out of our control. But when she, by choice, dumps me on my birthday to go pick up AJ with Destiny it pisses me off. She wasn’t there for me when my grandfather died. Ok, so she was in the hospital. Why was she there? Oh right, because she insists on smoking 2 packs a day. That’s $10 a day, almost $300 a month on cigarettes. And she won’t quit. I can already see it if we were to move out. She won’t have her half of the rent because she spent it on cigarettes. Honestly I don’t know why I didn’t figure it out before, but that is where all her money goes. Nitta made a good point the other night. Kaba had like $7 left in her wallet. She and Nitta were hanging out and they were starving. But Kaba didn’t have any cigarettes left either. She spent the money on cigarettes instead of food. To me, that’s just ridiculous. I’m realising also why I have so much more money the past few weeks too. (Granted I bought an Ipod, but I’ve been saving money elsewhere for that for a long time.) If she and I hang out, she wants McDonalds but will whine about having no money. So me and my giving heart will buy her something. She’ll promise to pay it back, but she never does. I can list all the times she’s given me money. Once at a movie, she loaned me $4. But I repaid it back like the next day. We went out driving once night and she promised to pay for the gas cause it was her idea. She only gave me $10 to fill my tank (usually costs around #30) and then fell asleep on me. I count the number of times she’s bought me food on one hand. Her “payback” comes in the form of cleaning my house after a party, which is nice but its not really worth monetary value. I actually don’t mind cleaning my house after I throw parties (where I pay for ALL the alcohol and snacks anyways). All summer, every party we had at my house, I bought food and beverage. Just about every one of the people who came gave me some small amount of money or brought their own food, alcohol or cigarettes to share. What about driving around? She wasn’t paying her car insurance and so she couldn’t drive. So I had to drive us wherever we ended up going. And she never paid for gas. I mean, Destiny gave me like $25 to drive her friends home one night – way more money than I needed to fill my tank, but she gave it anyways. Granted she still owes me like $60, but I’ll get it from her soon hopefully. I think a part of me accepts that I might not, but I’m beyond caring at this point.

I’m trying to let all that anger about money go. In the long run, it was really my decision to buy her food and let her walk all over me. I didn’t have to offer to buy her stuff all the time. I know she spent a lot of her money on Brandon too, which is another really sore point with me. I’m sorry, but there is an unspoken code among women. You don’t sleep with another girl’s man. If he didn’t tell you about her, then its all on him for being a player. But if you knew and you continued to do it, its your fault too now. You know, I can even understand getting carried away with emotions to a point. But if you slip once and try to rectify the situation somehow – the guy breaks up with girlfriend, you two vow never to see each other again, whatever – its a little different. But to know he has a girlfriend, to actually talk to said girlfriend, and still continue along its just wrong. She is the ultimate other woman. One night over the summer, I got really wasted at a party. It was the night Mike pissed me off and I was doing shots with anyone. Nike, Kaba and I were sitting on the porch talking and for some reason or another Brandon’s name came up. I, drunk as I was, starting ripping Kaba a new asshole. I told her she was the other woman and would always be that, no matter what happened. I went so far as to tell her that I wouldn’t want to introduce her to my boyfriend or any guy I liked for that matter. She took it in stride because she knew I was drunk, but I don’t think she realises when I’m drunk, the truth comes pouring out. I found out she’s been lying about the guy in Nevada (he’s really there but he’s not with her nor wants to be).

And I’m sick and tired of all the lies and manipulations. There is enough drama in my life without her creating more. Most of the drama in the group I’ve been able to stay out of because I don’t want any part in it. But I dohaw, work is done for me! Kate, I’m going to let you go for now, so I can go see what’s going on upstairs. I hope you have a safe (and sucessful) trip. And I hope you come back ready to kick ayone’s ass! 🙂
CalvinCoffeeGirl: lol
CalvinCoffeeGirl: Alright, I’ll talk to you later Shazar.
Phantom6Knight: Good night, sleep well. And good luck this weekend.
Phantom6Knight is away at 10:57:00 PM.