your hard times are ahead

As Manny’s screen name goes to idle, my heart sinks. Today was an interesting day. The girls dinner was tonight after work and I’ll admit it was fun. The formation of M.A.H. – Mothers Against Head a.k.a. Mothers Against Giving Head in the Car While Driving. I’m not technically a member since I’m not a mother, but I’m like the official spokesperson to the unmarried female population. Long story…..

Nitta called just as we were finishing dessert and getting ready to go. In a moment, I decided to offer to pick her up and hang out tonight. Thank God, she was able to. We ended up at my house talking until 1am then sat in her driveway until 2am. So now I’m home and my head is spinning with our conversation……

When do you stop giving someone another chance? When do you start acting selfish and do things to only protect yourself, even if they hurt others?

Nitta and I had a long conversation tonight about Kaba. We both know how manipulative she can be. She’s lied to both of us numerous times. And though we can’t figure out why, the end result is always two of her friends fighting or hating each other. She’s done this numerous times with numerous people and tonight we both realized how often its happened. She’s tried to manipulate both of us and Ian and it has worked for at least a short amount of time. Thankfully both Nitta and I are the type of people who eventually end up talking to each other as opposed to going through her. And tonight a lot of her lies have come out. I’ve realized how she’s used and abused me, alienating me from anyone of her friends and most of mine as well. I’ve come to know that she isn’t as perfect as she always says she is, though I never thought her perfect. She’s used me. She plays me against the rest of our friends and she’s always had me in her corner. But I’m done with it. I can’t do it anymore. I have my sanity which I am battling to keep. And I have work and school and this hard as nails determination to go back to school. She’s not going to ruin this for me.

Manny came back and we talked on the phone for a while. And his answer is that the decision is mine; if I should give her another chance or if I should just walk away. I’ve listened to her side of the story for so long because I’ve been on her side for so long, even blindly at times. Now the truth is coming out and it makes a whole lot more sense. Now I’m hearing “the other side” of the story. And I think she has to go. I don’t want to hurt her, but I can’t risk me and my life. The risk analysis in my brain shows a deadly outcome and I can’t chance that. I know Nitta is hurting way more than I am, because there is more of a friendship on her behalf. But we both realized tonight that Kaba was never a true friend to either of us. I’m going to play the what-if game for a moment. Heather hated Kaba from almost the moment she met her and I never knew why. Neither did Heather. She went as far to suggest that I shouldn’t be friends with Kaba either, which pissed me off. And I stood in Kaba’s corner. What-if Heather had seen it, the manipulative side? What if she had seen right through Kaba and was only trying to warn me? Maybe Heather and I would still be friends. Manny says thats bull and honestly I agree. What Heather did was close to unforgivable and highly unforgettable. And that probably would have happened with or without Kaba. But I’ve always seen my friendship with Kaba as the begining on the end of my friendship with Heather. If such hadn’t happened, perhaps nothing else would have followed. But like Manny says you can’t change the past. And he’s right. It’s done.

So I’m left to pick up the pieces of me and my life. I’m going to go back to school and I’m going to make this work. I’m terrified of failure, so damn it I’m not going to fail. This week was the first time the suicide thoughts have returned, and return they did in full force. Thank God It’s Friday takes on a whole new meaning when I almost didn’t make it through Thursday. I called Jenny’s new number too. Her voicemail told me she would be on vacation until next week. I need help. I am determined to go back to school, but I know I can’t beat this on my own. I need help. I will call Jenny next week and see how much it will cost to go back to her. Then I’ll talk to my parents. I’m praying they will help me however they can, which I think they will. I’m going to do this and I’m going to beat this. But its going to be tougher than hell and I’m going to need help. And I’ll get the help somehow. But I am going to do this.

It hurts to have to say goodbye to someone, but it has to be done. She has abused and used me long enough. Our time is now. My time is now. And I will take it and do this.

change,
everything you are
and everything you were
your number has been called
fights, battles have begun
revenge will surely come
your hard times are ahead

best,
you’ve got to be the best
you’ve got to change the world
and you use this chance to be heard
your time is now

change,
everything you are
and everything you were
your number has been called
fights and battles have begun
revenge will surely come
your hard times are ahead

best,
you’ve got to be the best
you’ve got to change the world
and you use this chance to be heard
your time is now

don’t,
let yourself down
don’t let yourself go
your last chance has arrived

best,
you’ve got to be the best
you’ve got to change the world
and you use this chance to be heard
your time is now

Butterflies and Hurricanes ~ Muse