Crash and Burn

You know, I usually detest these weekly themes because most of them are shallow or random or have no connection or meaning in my life. But this week’s theme caught my eye and I feel the need to write about it.
WARNING – I will digress and get off track, so don’t expect a great essay or a complete answer to the question.

WEEKLY THEME
Do you think love conquers all, or are there some things even love can’t fix?
The question is a paradox because you can’t straight answer it with a “yes” or “no.” Bad English, DM. So I’ll break it down to an easier question.
Do you think love conquers all?

No. In basic plain English, love does not conquer all. Sometimes it doesn’t matter how much you love someone, there are still problems and unresolvable issues. Look at me and Tim. I loved him more than I’d ever loved anybody before. I would have gladly married him and raised his children. But he didn’t want me. I don’t know why, but he didn’t. And no amount of love could have changed his mind. But what if two people loved each other? Take me and Matt. We loved each other so much. I probably would have married him too. But cancer took his life. He didn’t live to see his 18th birthday, and our love wasn’t enough to cure him. But that’s something out of your control, a disease like that? What if you were both fine? Ok, take me and Manny. We love each other so much. He means so much to me and I would be devastated if anything ever happened to him. But a relationship between us never works. We are amazing friends, but as lovers we suck. Its almost a paradox. I love him so much, but it never works out. It was a hard thing to come to accept, for both of us. I mean, if we can’t work it out with the amount of love we have, its not meant to be. The universe is just against us. How hard it is to accept that fact. I love him and he loves me. But “we” will never be. I suppose I’m blessed though to have loved that much and to be loved in return. He doesn’t have to love me. There is no family bloodties that require us to care for each other the way we do. And yet we do. I know that every guy I met I compare to my past loves.

When Matt died, I thought it was the end. I never believed I’d find love again. I never believed I could love someone like that again. And in a way, I was right. I’ve never loved any man the same way I loved Matt. That goes for Danny, Tim and Manny. I loved them all differently. I’ve never stopped loving them. They will always hold special places in my heart. And if I fall in love again, those places will still be reserved for them. It will be past loves, but it will still be love.

Maybe I’m just way too cynical or maybe I’ve had my heart broken one too many times, either by circumstance or by person. I don’t believe love fixes everything. I don’t believe that love will make everything ok. Even if there is love, there is still problems and you have to work to make the relationship work. There is always going to be heartache and pain.

I think more than I believe in love, I believe people you love will eventually hurt you. I don’t associate love with being safe and comforting. I’ve been hurt too many times when I’ve opened up and allowed love to get in. It will provide a temporary bandage, but eventually it will be ripped away and I’m left with an open wound. Maybe its because I believe people are inherently evil. By nature, people are evil. Tell a child not to do something, and they will do it. Don’t push that red button. They’ll push it.

I do believe people fight their evil nature and I believe some people are able to control it. But if you can get someone to react without restraint, without thinking of consequences, their reactions will be to hurt and cause pain. I probably am just way too cynical for my own good. I no longer believe in my prince charming on his white horse. I’ve been hurt and betrayed too many times by the people I let into my heart.

If you are only skin deep
My skin will rip when you scratch
But these cuts will heal
Leaving only a scar of remembrance
But if you have reached my heart
You will tear me apart when you scratch
These wounds won’t heal
And I’m left bleeding on the floor