Do you see what I see?

Do you see it? Huh, huh, huh? Look at the top of the screen. Over in the right hand corner. Not that far! See it? Those two little numbers?

21

It’s finally here. Twenty-one years old. I finally have access to all my money. I can go to the liquor store and buy a bottle of whatever my heart desires. I can go pick up a six-pack at the grocery store. I can stand trial, not like I’m planning on it, but I could! I think after 18, individual birthdays stop being so important. I mean there is nothing special about 19 or 43, except your closer to the next big number. Big ages and birthdays are 18, 21 and then tens after that, maybe fives if you like to go nuts. The 16th birthday is a small step towards adulthood. In NY, at least, you can drive a car and open a bank account on your own. The 18th birthday is the next big step. It usually falls around graduation of high school, you get a senior license (drive after 9pm), voting rights, no more working papers, credit cards, etc. Basically at 18 you are no longer a minor. Your parents can’t protect you the way they could if you were younger. If you are not in school, you have to find your own health insurance. And I believe you can start paying taxes on your own. Before your parents or guardians had to claim you on their tax forms, but now you and they have the option to continue claiming you or to make two seperate tax return forms. (My parents’ accountant does all our taxes and he figures out which way is cheaper for both of us.) Your parents can throw you out of the house and not be arrested for being “bad parents.” You can sign up for the army. A lot of independence is gained at 18, and the rest comes at 21. The major thing of course, is the legal drinking age. You can buy and drink alcohol. Interestingly enough, my dad doesn’t believe possessing alcohol is illegal. But buying it, selling it or drinking it is. Hmmmm… Anyways, any “freedoms or rights” still left are now given to you. For example, now that I’m 21, my father needs a limited Power of Attorney to take care of my mutual funds and my stocks. He’s always been in charge of them for me, but now he needs written proof of that decision. I can’t use the line “He’s my dad” to get anything anymore. It has to be legal and signed. Any dependence I legally had on my parents is now gone. They have no legal responsibility anymore to take care of me. Thankfully my parents love me and will always help me, but its interesting to think they are no longer legally obligated to do so.

I woke up this morning feeling twenty-one years old. I’m not sure why I felt it cause I never have before. I wake up and feel absolutly no older than the day before. But this year was different. I woke up and looked out the window. The world looked different, like after twenty-one years, I’m seeing this place in a totally different way than before. It was like the world was framed with a huge 21, constantly reminding me of today’s importance. And constantly reminding me I’m 21, still living at home with my parents – no boyfriend and not in school.

Ok, so the no boyfriend part isn’t such a big deal. I used to have this image of finding a great guy to date in college and after 5 or 6 years of dating, we’d get engaged and after another year, married. Eventually kids would come and by 30 I would make my parents into grandparents. Nice idea huh? I was suppose to have a great career and house and this wonderful life. Instead, I have a dead-end job, no boyfriend and I’m deathly afraid of going back to school. Granted that life-timeline was set up when I was like 5, but still. I want kids and a family and there will be a time when I will no longer be able to give birth and have kids of my own. I went to my first gyno exam on Monday. Its so strange and I don’t like the doctor. She is the woman who delivered me so my mom just set up the appointment for me. I’m glad I went, but I want to find someone else, someone I can trust and talk to. Thankfully she said everything was fine and the immediate test results looked ok. If I don’t hear from her in two weeks it will mean I’m absolutly fine, which is a very good thing.

I was suppose to go out with some girls from work, but the weather is crappy. It was raining this morning and a lot of snow melted, creating flooded roads. Now the temperature is dropping again and the rain is turning to snow. So we might put off the going out until next week. Which kinda sucks, but maybe I’ll go out to dinner with some of my friends anyways.

I signed up for classes at the community college yesterday. School starts Tuesday since Monday is Martin Luther King, Jr. Day. I’m excited and very nervous. I’m trying to stay busy and on track, but I’m really nervous that things won’t work out. I want to do something more with my life, but I’m afraid I won’t be able to. I’m afraid my bipolarism will ruin everything or something else will happen. I know I shouldn’t be afraid of the unknown, but I really am. I’m afraid things won’t work out and I’ll be a failure forever. I’m 21 living at home with my parents. I’m not ashamed of them and I actually don’t mind living with them. But I had so much potential. If you knew me in high school, you would have said I was going somewhere. And now I’m working a menial job with small pay.

I know my job is important to the firm and what I do is needed in the office, but I’m smarter than this. Or I feel like I should be smarter and better than this. My dad said it to me the other day. If I’m going to stay working at the firm, I should be an attorney, not a fill-in secretary. I don’t know….Birthdays don’t always make me depressed, but this one sort of does. Maybe thats the other thing about being 21. Its the last exciting birthday. After that its just a countdown to death. And a timer of failure.

I’m really not as depressed right now as this entry is turning out to be, but being 21 is really starting to make me think. Am I brave enough to step out of my comfort zone? Out of the safe little box my parents have created for me? Am I smart enough to make it on my own? At 21, my mom was engaged and getting ready to become a teacher. At 21, my dad had been married and was already supporting his family. The one thing my dad and I do have in common is our school record. We were both very smart in high school and when we left college, we both had GPAs below 1.5. The difference is my dad had what I consider a good reason – he was married and trying to support his family. My reason – I can’t hack it. I’m trying really hard not to let my bipolarism cripple me, but I think it really is. I’m letting it take over my life and I don’t know how to stop it and control it. I may have been through a lot in my life, but I have friends who have been through just as much if not more. And they are not stuck in a rut like I am.

I want to be worth something. I want to make a difference and feel like I’m doing something that is important. I want to be important to somebody and I want to be respected. I want to do something to make my grandparents proud of me and proud of the legacy they started. Looking around at my grandfather’s funeral, I saw a lot of potential. I saw the legacy he and my grandmother started. And reading obituaries everyday I see the