Betrayal Forever

Megan has this friend, Holly, who she’s known since 5th grade. They’ve been best friends forever. I’ve spoken to Holly but I’ve never actually met her, which is funny because Megan says we are very similiar. Sometimes she slips and calls me Holly or vice versa. I seriously feel like I know Holly because of Megan. And I think we are similiar. Holly was dating a guy who lied to her about being sick. Instead he went out with his friends. She told him she didn’t care that he wanted to hang with his friends, she just didn’t want to be lied to. They broke up. That was the old Holly. The new Holly was dating this guy Dave that neither Megan nor I liked, but had never met. Their relationship started out ok, but things went downhill and fast. She found out he was cheating on her with a girl at school. This other girl (Heather incidently) didn’t know about Holly. And evidently, it wasn’t just a quick lay every once in a while. He had a serious relationship with Heather, just like the one he had with Holly. Both girls flipped but Holly took him back. She started going through his phone and found out Heather and Dave were still talking and seeing each other. So now she doesn’t trust him as far as she can throw him. But then he really crossed the line. She found out he had been taping them in bed one night. He was still asleep so she started watching what else was on the tape. It showed him in California, smoking pot, drinking and sniffing something she couldn’t see what. He was also messing around with some girl. She got pissed and woke him up. They weren’t yelling because her father was downstairs and had called up to make sure everything was ok, but they were arguing. He was trying to explain and she just told him to get away from her. He grabbed her and threw her against the wall. Then he threw her on the bed and sat on top of her and smacked her in the face.

Pissed off yet? Wait, it gets better.

Then he spits in her face and calls her a fucking cunt. So she kicked him out and called Megan. Megan said she wasn’t crying or really upset, she just sounded fed-up and done. Which makes me and Megan really happy, because Dave is a loser. Megan called her the next day, but Holly wasn’t home. And the following day, when Megan got a hold of her, Holly gave her the distinct impression that Dave was there and they were talking. Megan and I are really worried that Holly is going to take him back. He’s controling her and we are both worried she’ll end up in the hospital. His father used to beat him and his mother, to the point where Dave went to the hospital a few times. This is the same girl that once broke up with a guy for lying to her. Now there’s another guy hitting her and she’s going to take it. He’s moving to California in a few weeks, so we’re hoping Holly will stay strong and he’ll leave and never look back. But he’s been making plans for her to come out and visit him and do an internship out there. She was planning on living with him and leaving her car here. Its a bad idea before he was hitting her.

Megan has this big dilemma because she doesn’t know what to do. She wants to be helpful but she can’t be sympathetic when Holly is putting herself back into this dangerous situation. They have no kids and they aren’t married. They don’t even live together. We both get that she loves him. Megan and I have both done some stupid things for love, but we’ve never endangered our lives. And Megan isn’t sure she wants to listen to this go on and on to only one day get a call from Holly’s mom saying Holly’s in the hospital and she might not make it. But if she doesn’t listen, who does Holly have to confide in? Megan’s thinking that if Dave hits Holly again, she’ll tell Holly’s parents. She doesn’t want it to come to that but she has to think about Holly’s health first. It has to be first. But Megan’s also scared because she knows Holly will see it as a huge betrayal of trust and she doesn’t want to lose an 11 year friendship over this. But what else is she suppose to do? Holly’s well-being comes first. It has to come first. And perhaps after 20 years or 10 years or even a week, Holly might see what Megan did as the right thing. And she might forgive her. But in the heat of the moment, Megan and I both know Holly will blame Megan.

***************

Ok, take a step back for a moment. Dave hit her once and she kicked him out. Maybe he did show up and demand to talk, but maybe she did tell him off and is sticking with her guns. Megan is still trying find Holly to talk to her. So Megan and I (as usual) could be overreacting to the whole situation. We’ll see.

But the thing about Holly blaming Megan and eventually realizing that Megan was only trying to help made me think of Heather. I’ve tried looking at it from every angle. And I really can’t figure it out. My health is not in danger anymore than it was before I met Mike. And truth be told, I’ve been doing better since I met him. Not because I have someone now, because I don’t. But he makes me break things and look at them different. And he makes me want to be better than this. But not for him, for me. Its hard to explain. But still I can’t figure out why Heather had to tell Manny. Or why she had to push it with me in the first place.

The anger side of me screams I TRUSTED HER AND SHE BETRAYED ME! I told her something very secret and personal and she told the ONE person I wasn’t ready to tell. I would have told him. I really would have. I called him that night because I wanted to tell him. And I don’t really know what stopped me besides the fact that I didn’t want to hurt him. But I still knew that one day I would tell him. But at the right moment and in my own time. And she went off and told him.

It actually makes me mad that he didn’t tell me he knew until a few months later. (Actually it was the same day Kaba went into the hospital. We went to the diner to get something to eat and had this huge argument in the parking lot. Lots of things were said, including me telling him I was sleeping with Mike and him telling me he knew.) But thats still not the point.

The rational side of me asks why? Why did Heather tell Manny? I still don’t know. I still don’t understand. What was gained by anyone when Manny was told? Pain. That’s the only thing anyone got. She told me once she told him because he deserved to know. And she’s right. But he deserved to know from me. And I would have told him. But I needed to sort out me before I tried to sort him out.

Maybe thats my only answer. Heather didn’t believe I would actually tell him. And she felt he deserved to know.

But he deserved to know because he was my best friend. Let me say that again. He deserved to know because he was MY best friend. Not because he was my ex-boyfriend. As my ex-boyfriend he has limited, if any rights to know about my life.

I’ve stopped trying to justify my anger. Because I can do that and it only makes me more upset. Now I’m trying to justify why she did what she did. Why she betrayed me. Why someone who said she loved me and cared about me would do something like that to me? I really don’t understand it. And I try to forget and move on, but every once in a while it comes back to bite me in the butlimax until the band and lights flare up to reveal the full stage. I walk to my chair and continue the piece. Its rather emotional. I was so nervous that night. Zanin was the timpanist and he cornered me before the concert. “You have to relax. I could feel your tension across the stage. Take a breathe and relax. Reach behind you and feel me standing there. I’m there to catch your solo, so don’t be afraid. Feel the band behind you. Feel the audience in front of you. And just let go.” If you’ve never experienced it, there is no way to explain it. Its not mystical or magical, its music. There is an energy and tension in the air like nothing I’ve ever felt before. And as I took my place on the darkened stage, I could feel Zanin behind me. His mallets were poised over the drum like arms reaching out to catch me. I drew on his energy and I felt him draw on mine. And then we both reached for the audience. It was an amazing feeling. Its such a rush, I can’t describe it.

That same energy, that same vibe within me was struck during Brian’s audition and at Julliard. I suppose its like the acting bug, but for music. I remembered feeling that way on stage and I want it back. So I emailed Fredonia and got the ball rolling on my admissions and audition. And so on Saturday June 4, I have an audition with the oboe professor at Fredonia. I’m not completly convinced I’ll make it in because my GPA may not be good enough, but I’m hoping for the best.

After the concert, we walked back to Grand Central from Lincoln Center. It was a really long walk, but I love walking around the city, so I’m glad we did it. It wasn’t too hot and the sun was out. It was fun although long and sometimes annoying. An ambulance passed and Bubba and T-Bone started imitating it. Then they saw the sign for Spamalot and that was it. At least no one gave them a second look. They basically blend in down there. I was walking with Brian and we were talking about various things. I made him promise to never let me forget why I want to go into music. He awoke in me that energy, that chord that thrives on music and can’t live without it.

In my English term paper I wrote this:

Schubert was crazy. I wonder if you have to be crazy to make something so beautiful.”
~ Josh Lyman from the West Wing

I know this comment was made in the scene for character purpose and has no real bearing on the way I took it. Still it perfectly explains my biggest fear. I’m afraid that I’m such a good musician because I’m bipolar. Or vice versa – I’m bipolar because I’m such a good musician. This idea that my music and my bipolarism could be somehow mutually dependent terrifies me. Various musicians and artists are believed to have been bipolar, like Tim Burton, Charles Dickens, Leo Tolstoy, Hector Berlioz, Gustav Mahler and Tom Waits to name a few. That’s why I’m constantly running scared from my music. Somehow I think if I stop playing, my bipolarism will go away, or if my bipolarism goes away, I won’t be able to play. Neither scenario is true because neither of my music or my bipolarism is ever going to go away forever. I’m a musician and I’m bipolar. When I’m at what they call a “baseline personality” I’m normal, so to speak. At that point, my playing is average. It’s good, but nothing special. When I’m outside that baseline, my playing is extraordinary and phenomenal. So when I’m on my medication, the baseline is about where I am. And I can’t play. So I go off them, veer off my baseline personality and I’m amazing. The danger is I become suicidal. People think I’m being selfish and stupid for not sharing my gift, my musical talent.

I’m still terrified music will kill me. The rush, the mania, I got from playing with Brian and the concert propelled me to email Fredonia and set up this audition. But last weekend, the crash hit.

I felt it coming and I surrounded myself with people who could keep me safe, just with their presence. But a lot of things happened over the weekend that almost didn’t help. Loren came a spent the weekend with her kitty. We had a great time and talked about a lot of things. She definitly gets me in a way that no one has since probably Heather. But she is also completly different than me. She has greater issues and problems I can’t even imagine. And my heart breaks for her. But she does get me. In certain ways. I remember Heather once told me that she knew when I drank because it was enjoyable and when I drank to surpress the pain. This past weekend I was surpressing some serious pain. I don’t think Loren really saw that difference. Although I could tell she was drinking to surpress her own pain. Manny is the only other one who might have been able to tell I was upset. Considering I called him Sunday night and practically begged him to come over. I just needed to feel normal for a moment. And although Manny and I are anything but normal, its safe for me. He is safe for me. He’s safe in a way no one else is. Except for maybe Megan, but thats a whole nother can of worms.

I know I’m thinking of things out of order, so I’ll try to set up the weekend scene. Loren came over on Satuday and we went grocery shopping, getting food and alcohol. I kept waiting to hear from my friends so I knew how much of everything to get. The Four Stooges were coming over for sure to watch MST-3000. Settle and Manny were suppose to call the old gang and get the over. Manny told me Russ would probably come. Now I love my friends, I really do. But they are potheads. And potheads get hungry and will literally eat my house if there isn’t food. So I wanted to be prepared. Kathleen offered to bring over pizza as well. It ended up being the Four Stooges, Settle, Manny and Kathleen. So Nathan, Loren and I ended up getting pretty wasted and Nathan spent the night. Everyone else really left around 1am.

On Sunday, Loren and I took Nitta out to lunch at Applebee’s before bringing her to work. Then we randomly decided to go to Danbury, which was fun and we didn’t buy anything besides fruit smoothies. Nitta said she wanted Rory-Burgers so we had to stop at the store for the meat and a few other random things. Sunday night ended up being Nitta, Eric and his friend Joe aka Pretzle. They all slept over. It was a lot of fun, I’ll admit. We all got pretty wasted on drinking games and then as we sobered up, decided to start drinking again. Manny stopped by on my request for a while too. I talked to Mike too, which made my life even more confusing than I’d like it to be right now. I’ll devote an entry to him later. My point is a lot happened and things were pretty intense. We didn’t go to bed until 4am and then Joe and I laid awake talking until almost 6am. We finally slept for a few hours and then everyone took off. I spent Monday running around cleaning like a madwoman. Joe showed up again, looking for Loren cause he has a little crush on her. But other than that, I was alone most of the day on Monday. And it was good cause I needed to sort out the entire weekend. It was a lot to process.

And now I’m freaking about this audition. I’m still trying to apply the one problem at a time idea so I don’t overwhelm myself, but thats the one problem right now. I’m worried about my audition. I’m worried admissions will say, “You’re not smart enough. Your GPA needs to be higher. Its not going to work.” And then there’s the actual audition. What if I do poorly or screw up? Its like NYSSMA, but way way way more intense. Its only the 5 most important minutes of my life. No pressure right? And then Mike got on this kick of telling me he wants me to get in. I swear I’m going to beat him……but thats for another entry.

I just wanted to wrap all this up and say I blame my little brother for setting me on this path again. He’s amazing and I love him for it.

When I am down and, oh my soul, so weary;
When troubles come and my heart burdened be;
Then, I am still and wait here in the silence,
Until you come and sit awhile with me.

You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains;
You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas;
I am strong, when I am on your shoulders;
You raise me up: To more than I can be.

You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains;
You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas;
I am strong, when I am on your shoulders;
You raise me up: To more than I can be.

There is no life – no life without its hunger;
Each restless heart beats so imperfectly;
But when you come and I am filled with wonder,
Sometimes, I think I glimpse eternity.

You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains;
You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas;
I am strong, when I am on your shoulders;
You raise me up: To more than I can be.

You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains;
You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas;
I am strong, when I am on your shoulders;
You raise me up: To more than I can be.

You raise me up: To more than I can be.

You Raise Me Up ~ Josh Groban