it had to be you

Things are strange. It doesn’t feel like Thanksgiving, nor like I’ve really had a break from working. Probably because its not long enough. I had Thursday and Friday off and now that it’s Saturday, its starting to sink in that I’m on vacation. Well, I did work on Thursday, serving food at a partner’s house, bumping elbows with some very powerful men. Break out the cigars and whiskey, they’re having another meeting. I felt like I was a character in Emily Gilmore’s house. But I got paid and it was fine. Yesterday was long. Just immensely long. I got up early to get my car checked out and I got my hair cut. Destiny kept calling all day to go to the mall, but we didn’t end up going until later that night. My car was $350 to fix. So there goes my Christmas shopping money. I’ll have to wait until my next paycheck to start doing all that. I still have no clue what to get anyone.

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Now the main reason of this entry, I saw Manny last night. I knew he was coming home on Weds but it was going to be late and he had to pick up his aunt and yadda yadda yadda. I didn’t expect to see him. Thursday was Thanksgiving so I didn’t expect to see him then either. Which was fine cause I was busy. I called him yesterday on my way to go pick up Destiny. No answer but I left him a voicemail. He called back when Kaba and I were in the bathroom getting ready to do my hair. (I redyed it.) So he came over and hung out while I did my hair. It was nice. Strange now that I think about it. We were all in the bathroom talking about drunken parties from the summer. It was still amusing. After my hair was done, Kaba basically bolted for the door. It was just strange because I didn’t really want her to leave, but she said she needed to go. I think it might have been because she had her car and still hasn’t paid the insurance, but whatever. It was nice not to have to drive her home.

So Manny and I go back inside and I asked him what he wanted to do and he said watch a movie….we ended up finally watching When Harry Met Sally. Don’t get me wrong its a great movie. But I wish I could have been a little more prepared for it and all the emotions it would bring out. Because their relationship is me and Manny. Except that Manny and I met in high school and they met after college graduation. But the way the interact with each other is like looking at a movie of me and Manny. Although I think Manny is more like Sally and I am more like Harry. But in some ways that is flipped too. The talking on the phone before going to bed is a classic example. I mean, we would be listening to music together or watching TV together, except he would be in Savannah and I would be in Michigan (or NY depending on the time period.) He hasn’t had a messy breakup with someone else yet, but I have. And just the way they fight and interact. It was seriously scary. At the end of the movie I was kinda laughing and Manny asked me what was so funny. “I just saw my future,” I told him. “That’s going to be us in 12 years and 3 months.” That statement didn’t have the same effect on him as it did on me. He laughed and said he knew. It was excatly what he thought when he watched that movie for the first time.

But for me its different. I’m not so sure I could marry him. I’m not sure I really love him in the way that a woman loves a man and wants to spend the rest of her life with him. I know I shouldn’t compare because its different. But the way I felt for Tim, when I thought he was the one is nothing like how I feel for Manny. Even the way I felt for Matt. What I felt for Tim and Matt was almost crippling. It was so powerful and strong and breath-taking. Its not that way with Manny. Its strong and steady, but not crippling. Its like the earth. Its just there and always there. I know I take Manny for granted a lot. And I try not to, but like the earth, its hard to always be so grateful to it. I don’t know how to explain it.

My problem is that I don’t want to lead him on. I don’t want him to think he has a chance with me because he really doesn’t. At least not right now. I’ve called him my straight Will, and he is. But he’s straight. He’s not gay and he likes women. So its hard to write it off when I start getting vibes from him. I don’t want him to be in love with me forever. I want him to move on and get a girl and fall in love with her and marry her. He’ll still be my best friend, but oh I don’t know. I really don’t want to lead him on. He kissed me last night when he left. He kissed me like he hasn’t kissed me since we were going out. I don’t want him to kiss me like that. I don’t want him to get hurt again and I don’t want to lead him on.

It had to be you
It had to be you
I wandered around and finally found
The somebody who could make me be true
Could make me be blue or even be glad
Just to be sad just thinking of you

Some others I’ve seen might never be mean
Might never be cross or try to be boss
But they wouldn’t do
For nobody else gave me a thrill
With all your faults I love you still
It had to be you, wonderful you
It had to be you

It Had To Be You ~ Harry Connick, Jr.