its so simple

So for the second time today I’ve gotten blown off by someone who I thought actually cared and who would actually listen to me. I shouldn’t bitch that much because I can understand the situations. But its like the fourth or fifth time this week and its starting to get old. I need someone to talk to, someone who really understands me. The few people who I thought did haven’t been there for me. Or even people who would have made things a little better.

The concert was amazing. It really was. I was hoping Mike would come up, but he didn’t. Which in the long run was a better idea because we didn’t have any extra tickets and the show sold out. I’m so glad I won my tickets on the radio. I’ve been having a crappy week. Its not really really bad, but just a lot of little sucky things. I can’t believe I’m still smiling. I wanted to see Mike. I wanted to see Mike Sunday, but he was still in Utica. I wanted to see him Monday, but he didn’t leave till late and he didn’t want to stop. I wanted to see him on Weds at the show. But he went to his grandmother’s and today he had to go sort out some stuff at his old job. I get all that. I really do. But I want to see him. Its frustrating when I can’t. He promised he’s coming up this weekend. We’ll see. I’m trying not to hold my breath, but I really want to see him. I need to talk to him. Ask him where I stand. I think that’s the best way to ask it. I don’t really want anything from him, but to know what I mean to him. He’s always said he’ll be brutally honest, so I think I can expect and believe what he says to be true. I just want to know. That’s not too much to ask is it?

I had a talk with my dad the other day about my health insurance and the doctors and the meds. And my father said “Now this is just me, but I’d rather be off the medication and feel the pain, than take it and feel nothing.” It pissed me off because it was like someone smacked me in the face. He doesn’t get me and he never has. It doesn’t even feel like he makes an effort to get to know me. He knows the facade of me, the same side the world sees. But he doesn’t know what I go through in my head. Its not just pain. Its not even pain. I’m to the point right now where I’m dull. I don’t feel anything. I’m numb and pain would be a welcome release from that. I’m happy, I’m sad, I’m going crazy. And the worst thing is that I know it.

Driving home from the concert last night after dropping everyone off (Yeah, I picked up some rideless high school sophomores) I could feel it happening again. One of the last Matchbook shows I went to I had such an amazing time. I was on such a high when I left the concert. In the 20 minutes it took for me to drive home, I crashed like a ton of bricks. I wanted to drive my car off the road. I ended up calling Manny who got me home ok. That night was one of the reasons I started going back to therapy, found a new doctor (Jenny) and everything. After dropping Kaba off at home, I could feel myself slipping again. So I called Manny. He knew the show was that night so I figured if nothing else, I could just talk about the show and pass the time in the car. But he was playing Halo2. I should have known because it came out that day. So he was preoccupied and not paying attention to me, which is ok. I get that he has a life down there and I’m really glad he does. And I made it home ok, but it was only from Kaba’s house. Had that ride been longer it may have been a different story.

Then today I was trying to talk to my mom after work and she was getting ready for choir. I get that too. She has a life and responsibilities and whatnot. I just feel like I’m cracking around the edges and no one seems to notice. So then Manny calls me a few minutes ago. He felt bad since we didn’t talk last night, so he was calling to see what was going on. I started telling him, but he wasn’t really paying attention. I can tell when he’s preoccupied. He was hanging with a bunch of people waiting for a pizza or something. The food came and he split.

I just feel like everytime I start to open up and talk about things with him, he walks away and leaves me wide open and vulnerable. I’m not usually like that. I usually have a wall up between me and the world. But I let it down to let him in, and he walks away leaving me exposed. So I’m left to scramble with the broken pieces of rock trying to rebuild my defenses. And I just know that one of these times, I’m not going to be ok when the phone clicks shut. I’m not going to be able to hold it together forever.

It’s so simple and complicated.
The way you can crush me.
No matter how much this hurts, this is through.
I get as far as your door before i get caught.
I make up excuses just to touch you and I can’t stop, I can’t stop.

So are we playing for keeps
These days begin and they don’t end for weeks.
Leave me left out of anything to do with you.
Excuse me while I fall apart.
Don’t flatter yourself sweetheart.
Let me take the wheel and I’ll crash this car.
Do you have to make this so hard?

You’re so good at pretending everything is alright.
You’re as welcome as cancer, but my door is always unlocked.

So are we playing for keeps.
These days begin and they don’t end for weeks.
Leave me left out of anything to do with you.
Excuse me while I fall apart.
Don’t flatter yourself sweetheart.
Let me take the wheel and I’ll crash this car.
Do you have to make this so hard?

You’re so good
You’re so good
You’re so good
You’re so good

So are we playing for keeps.
These days begin and they don’t end for weeks.
Leave me left out of anything to do with you.
Excuse me while I fall apart.
Don’t flatter yourself sweetheart.
Let me take the wheel and I’ll crash this car.
Do you have to make this so hard?

You’re so good
You’re so good

Playing For Keeps ~ Matchbook Romance>

57. Relationships or one night stands? Ha – I’m such a girl! Relationships. But those random one night “connections” (no sex involved) can be pretty amazing too.

58. Favorite smell? I think its more comforting smells – the way the firehouse smells of gas and engine parts, the way clothes smell of the smoke from last night’s fire, fresh coffee brewing, bread baking in the house….those are my comfort smells

59. What is the first thing you think of when you wake up? Think? When I wake up?! HA!

63 If you could be someone else what or who would you be? Someone “normal” – someone without bipolar disorder, a college student