He’s my straight Will

I try to take criticism well, I really do. I think of who its coming from and why they are critising me. But sometimes…..

Nitta saw my book of poems sitting on my bed last night. She asked if she could read them. Since I rarely use names in my poems, I didn’t mind. I’m looking for feedback on my collection of poems anyways. I want to see what poems other people like and think I should try to publish. I gave her some yellow Post-Its, so she could mark ones she liked. At one point, she asked for a pen. I figured she was gonna write something on the Post-It. But she actually wrote on some of my pages. It kind of pissed me off, because it took a lot of work to put those pages together and get everything printed correctly. I don’t save my poems on my computer cause there are just too many of them. I have them saved on OD and I have that book of hard copies. Granted a fire could take out the book and OD could be hacked (wait that already happened) but I figured if both went at the same time, God is trying to tell me something.

Some of the edits she made were justified. With so much material and no real editor, I’ve made some errors. I always appreciate when someone points out I’ve written form instead of from or stuff like that. But some of the edits she made were not what I wanted. I spell some words differently than other people do, but it doesn’t mean its wrong. Theatre as opposed to theater is still acceptable. Realise or realize, judgment or judgement. Ok, you get the idea. This stuff is also poetry. It’s not a thesis or essay, it’s poetry. I love how you can be random in poetry and drop a lot of the “tools for writing” that I normally use in essays and papers. But she wanted everything to have correct sentence structure and punctuation. If you look at my poems, most of them lack punctuation. And I like them like that. It’s my style. Remember, its poetry.

So now, I have to go back and retype up the pages she marked, reprint them and take apart the book to reinsert the new clean page. If she had used pencil, I would probably still be upset, but at least it would have been so much easier to erase. It just makes me feel like she didn’t respect my writing. She didn’t even ask if she could write in my book. She just assumed. I’m blowing this out of proportion, I know. But I’m just starting to get back my lost entries from the hacker. It took me a lot of work to sort through that mess and now I have extra work.

I’m also trying to get stuff ready to bring over to Mrs. Mc to look at for publishing and that is going to take a bit of work too. Its just frustrating.

Ian helped me finish Myst last night. Now that I have a better concept of the game, I might actually be able to play the next one without hints. Ok – I’m lying to myself, but I’ll try harder. Myst is really really tough, no doubt. But it was kinda fun. It takes immense amounts of concentration to figure things out. So that pulls my focus away from things that are bothering me.

Like Manny.

He called last night while I was downing water so I could take that pregnancy test. He was depressed cause he was tired and stressed. School is stressing him out and he’s frustrated and lonely. He missed me and I could tell. At that moment, I kinda wanted him around, but I also didn’t. How strange would it be to have your ex-boyfriend around while you’re taking a pregnancy test because of your new “boyfriend”? But he was upset and I was doing my best to make him feel better. I never know what to say to help him out. Surprisingly, I wasn’t all that mad that he picked that moment to call. It actually cleared my head for a while. I was focused on him rather than the tests.

I always feel that when he gets upset, he comes to me expecting me to make him feel better. And I’ll try my hardest, I really will. I just never know if I’m helping. He and I are similiar that way. He says he never knows if he’s helping when I’m upset. Granted, sometimes he doesn’t help, but sometimes he really does. But we both get to points where we have to fight it out alone. I know not to push and force him to let me fix it cause I know I can’t. He’s learned that with me too. My feelings for Manny are irrelevant here because we cannot be together. It wouldn’t work and we both know it.

I guess on some level, my brain loves with Manny cause he’s not here to hold and kiss (besides the fact that he’s a bad kisser shallow moment). My body loves (and I use that word loosely) Mike cause he’s here to hold and kiss, but we don’t get to talk as much as I would really like. And my heart, where is my heart in this? My heart is broken and untrusting and refusing to let me go yet. Which is ok. I don’t need to be falling in love again or as fast as before. And my relationships with Mike and Manny keep me balanced on some level. But it sucks that I can’t have what I have with them with just one person rather than two.

I was talking to Megan last night on my way home about what will happen if I’m pregnant and how everyone would react – i.e. my parents, Manny, Mike, Brian, Rebecca, Heather, etc. Mike and I had the “what-if-i-get-pregnant” talk. But it’s never as real as when its staring you in the face. Mike subtly suggested an abortion and I told him no. He respected that and completely let it go. Then it was adoption vs. keeping it. I told him I wasn’t sure I’d be able to let it go. He seemed to think adoption might be the best idea, but if I absolutly couldn’t, it was my decision. He said that he would be there for his kid and for me if I kept it. I told him if he wanted adoption and I kept it, I would release him from responsibilities. But he said he wouldn’t let me do that. So that was sweet. But when the event actually happens, and you are standing there with a positive pregnancy test, things change. I knew if I was pregnant, I would have to prepare myself for the fact that he might not stick around. Megan said she would always be there and I believed her absolutly. She also said Manny would be around, and she’s right. He would be. I wouldn’t even dream of letting him drop out of school to take care of a kid that wasn’t his, but I know he would be there for me as much as he could. He would also probably be the only one who could really deal with a hormonal pregnant me. Brian and I were in a store once, when a frazzled looking man ran in asking for the nearest frozen yogurt stand. His wife was pregnant and wanted it. All the guys shook their heads, in that I’m-glad-I’m-not-him way. I laughed and asked Brian to imagine me pregnant. He told me that’s what Manny was for. ‘I’d be in another country. Maybe the moon will be ready for settlement then too.’ He’s got a point thought. I can see my husband calling Manny frantic, ‘Please I don’t know what to do with her. She’s crazy.’ Will and Grace reference coming up As Leo said to Will about Grace, “I need you to deal with the 20% of her I can’t handle.”

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Manny is my straight Will.

i hear the clock, it’s 6am
I feel so far from where I’ve been
I got my eggs and my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but you
I break the yolks