replacing this pain with something numb

Living where I do provides me with the great fall colors, supposedly the best in the nation. There is a weekend, usually towards the beginning of October that is called the Peak Weekend. I’m not sure what power decides which is the Peak, besides the weather, but it is decided. Its when all the colors are in full power, brilliant reds and oranges, radiant yellows, and every mix thereof. Well, the Peak weekend has passed, and the leaves are falling. The bright colors have faded into a dark yellows and reds. With the clocks being pushed back, the sun is up when I drive to work again. This morning was so beautiful. The sky was clear and blue and the sun was bright. The colors of the trees on the other side of the river were so cool. They weren’t the brilliant colors of the Peak Weekend, but darker and almost colder. It reminded me that winter is coming, and the days are getting shorter. Its almost depressing, but for some reason it made me smile. There is one turn in the road what gives me a great view of the river, the mountians and the sky. It took my breath away. Every once in a while, I’ll hit it just right. I’ll come around the corner on a bright morning and I’ll remember to look up and see the beauty.

Ok – weekend updates and musings…..
Halloween What a crazy weekend. Friday night I played for the BSMF crew across the river. It was so much fun and I was so glad to be back over there with them. Eileen convinced me to sing Candle on the Water and she gave me a great introduction. I wish Megan didn’t play it as fast as she did, but oh well. JR was so funny afterwards. He said I didn’t know you could sing. Well that ends it. You’re not in the pit next year, you’re on stage! I told him never. I get too nervous on stage. I’d rather be in the pit. We’ll see. It might be kinda fun. James Henry was so adorable afterwards. He came running up to me and gave me this big hug and a kiss on the check. He started making up a song for me, that crazy guy. He’s too cute. He agreed with JR that I should be on stage next year. Yeah, we’ll see. I’m actually feeling like I’m part of them. Its really really nice.

I slept most of the day Saturday. Then we ran into Kaba’s friend Patti at the mall and she invited us to a party that night. Mike called me too and told me he might be up that night, so I was happy. He called me a few times that day. He was bored, sitting in Tampa airport waiting for his flight. So finally around 10 or so Nitta, Kaba and I decided to try and find Patti’s party. No luck. She lives above an antique shop, but we couldn’t figure out how to get up there. Kaba didn’t have her number so we left. Mike called and said he was up and needed a place to stay, but he was going to try Bobby’s first. Evidently, they are “communicating” as Mike put it. Oh well. I’m not a huge fan of Bobby, but whatever. So we left Patti’s and decided to try and find Laura’s house. She had invited us to a Halloween party at the Straylight Run concert. We actually found the house. Is that it with all the cars and the people smoking out front? It was great. Phoebe flipped out when she saw me she was so happy. The Douglas boys were there too. Joey gave me this huge hug and was like I miss you so much. You have our phone numbers. Call us! It was adorable. And Dana gave me a hug and a kiss. Phoebe gave me a little tour that ended in her bedroom, which was where everyone was smoking up. I walked in and was on an instant contact high. It was so bad in there. But Todd, mellowly (its a word now!) flipped out when he saw me. I felt so flipping loved it was great. And then just as we got comfy Mike called and said that Bobby’s house was locked, so could he stay with me. My mom had pissed me off, so I hadn’t really asked her about it yet. But I was still pissed at her that I didn’t care. Mike told me to stay at the party, he could sleep in his car until I got home. I told him he was ridiculous and I would come home. So Kaba and Nitta, who didn’t want to stay there without me came with me.

Mike was so tired I felt bad that I was going out. But he wasn’t to tired to try and get me going. I told him no way, not with my friends waiting and my parents downstairs. So he let up and let me go. I had told him I was going to the second party of the night. He asked if there would be a third and I asked him if he would be awake. He told me he would be. HA! I didn’t believe him since he was so tired, but oh well. So we went back to the party and Joey gave me another hug. I seriously love his hugs. There were a bunch of people I didn’t really know, but it was still fun. They were playing old Sega and Nintendo games, like usual. I met this guy named Trent, who was really sweet. How come I always go for the older guys? I don’t get it. Kaba and I were trying to figure how old he would be and he’s gotta be 26 or so. He’s already gone through four years of college, so he’s at the least 24. But he was really nice and pretty drunk. God, it reminds me of how I met Mike too. Just start talking to random people. He smelled good too, very similiar to Mike. BAD GIRL BAD GIRL! Nothing happened though. Except him telling me I should come over to the girls’ house more often. How interesting. When I left he was like, Take care. Be well. Visit often. Totally random. But he was cool still. Anyway, it was so amazing to be back with my friends again. Kaba told me later that she could see a different side of me when I was around them. She said to Nitta She’s not ours tonight. She belongs to them. She said it wasn’t a bad thing, and she’s seen me with them before, but she said it caught Nitta offguard. But then again Nitta was also getting high with Todd. But she said she had a good time. When we left Phoebe told me I could come over whenever I wanted. I’ll probably call first if I go over, but it was still cool. We left because Nitta had to be to work at 6am and it was the “second” 2 o’clock. It was nice that there was an extra hour though. It was good too because all that weed was making my head hurt.

So I dropped Nitta and Kaba off and went home. I was tired, but I poked my head in Mike’s room anyway. He sat up and opened the sheets, so I crawled into bed with him. I told him I was on such a contact high and he laughed at me. But it was so nice to lie there with him. Yeah, stuff happened, but I’ll leave it at that. I almost fell asleep in his bed too. I tried to get up to go to my own bed, and he pulled me back down. It was cute and nice and confusingly wonderful.

I never quite know where I stand with him or what we excatly are. I told him I had missed him and he said he missed me. Then he caught himself and said he didn’t have a lot of time to miss anyone though. So I don’t know if he really missed me and was trying to cover it up or if it was just a knee-jerk reaction and he didn’t mean it. I don’t know. If something progresses with Trent, I’ll have to talk to Mike about it. But I don’t know. Trent was cool but…I’m just not sure. Things are too much up in the air. I’ve forgotten what it meant to be happy. To be really really happy. Not just for a moment happy because I got to see my friends or because Mike called or something like that. But really happy. I don’t even kand Maura was on Spring Break, so what did she care? On top of that, they were going to New Paltz to walk around and pick a place to go. First, I hate New Paltz. Its scummy for all kinds of reasons. I read this thing once on how inky New Paltz is and I completely agree. Course I can’t remember it all now, but that’s not the point. Second, I didn’t want to “walk around” anywhere. We’d been walking all day long, wandering around the City. If I was going out, I was getting a drink and sitting happily in the corner. Third, its freakin New Paltz. Its at least 45 minutes from my house and over an hour from Beacon. If I did go out, got tired and wanted to leave, I’d still have an hour drive to get home. I’d be tired and cranky. I was just watching this scene turn bad in my head. And I really don’t like dance clubs as it is, which is where Megan wanted to go. And that’s fine, its her vacation. I didn’t want her to do what I wanted to do and I wanted her to have fun. Besides all that, she was getting on my nerves. First it was the hissy fit about her coat, then it was her aching body and then on the train she was all whiney because she wanted to get out of the City. Rick really has a lot more patience than I do. Maybe its just from dealing with her. Maybe he’s just as bad at home, who knows. It also made me realize that even though we are best friends, things are different. Things are changed from when we were in high school. I actually thought she would be way more mature than I am, being a mother an all. And maybe that’s where my expectations weren’t met. I had put too much expectations on her and how she had grown. I still love her and accept her just as she is, but now its different. She still throws fits when she doesn’t get her way. And her mood swings are incredible. I wouldn’t be surprised if there really was something up with her. I just wish she would take the time to figure it out. But I’m not so sure she will.

To make this randomness of thoughts end, I didn’t go out with them. I had a headache from her whining and I wanted to go to sleep. Oh by the way, there was a snowstorm Wednesday night. The power was out when I woke up Thursday morning and by the time I got home Thursday night (at 10:30) it was still out. I had to use the tiny light on my keychain to see everything, which did nothing for my headache. On top of that, the house was freezing. I was ok, because Megan and I had beer on the train, but it was still cold. I slept horribly. I woke up cold and so unhappy. Still, no power. Which also means, no hot water, no phone charging, no computer charging, and freezing cold clothes. We ended up going to the firehouse to take showers because we had to have showers. Megan was suppose to come up here for lunch today, but I haven’t heard from her. She may have ended up doing something else, which is really fine. Tonight is the Good Friday service and then she wants to go over to Front Street. Well, Farrah wants to go. Rick wants to watch a game on TV, so Front Street is a good choice. But again I’m stuck with being out really late and having a long drive home. Well, not too bad, but still. I’d much rather go to Hob Nobbin’ again, but I don’t care that much I suppose. I’m trying to let Megan decide and do what she wants as opposed to what I want. I think Rick wants to go back to Hob Nobbin’ too though. Megan wants to dance. So we’ll see. Tomorrow, we are going to the Mason Jar for lunch before they leave for AZ. Megan’s excited about it because its in Jersey and she can smoke inside. She was bitchin’ up a storm Wednesday night about having to go outside to smoke. Honestly, I don’t care anymore but whatever.

So that’s the basic happening of my life. It’s Friday and I’m tired and cranky. My body hurts and I really don’t want to go out to Front Street tonight. Maybe I’ll be evil and see if Rick wants to go with me to Hob Nobbin’ to watch the game and Megan can go to Front Street with whoever. It probably won’t work, but I can dream damnit!

Ok I’m out…

I wanna find peace like Mahatma Gandhi
Wanna drink champagne and be cool like Blondie
Buy a backpack, let’s leave the country
Cause if I got you, I’m gonna be alright
If I got you I’m gonna be alright

Say hello to my naked dream
Where the strong will follow and the weak will lead
Look around you it’s time to leave
La, la, la, la, la, la
Close your eyes, I’ll take you there

I wanna find peace like Mahatma Gandhi,
Wanna drink champagne and be cool like Blondie,
Buy a backpack, let’s leave the country
Cause If I got you I’m gonna be alright
I wanna fly a kite off the wall of China
I wanna go shopping like Winona Ryder
I got two coach tickets on a jet airliner
Cause if I got you I’m gonna be alright
If I got you, I’m gonna be alright

Say hello with the Buddha’s eyes,
Say you’re scared I can sympathize
That will fade once we reach the sky,
La, la, la, la, la, la
Close your eyes, I’ll take you there

I wanna find peace like Mahatma Gandhi,
Wanna drink champagne and be cool like Blondie,
Buy a backpack, let’s leave the country
Cause If I got you I’m gonna be alright
I wanna fly a kite off the wall of China
I wanna go shopping like Winona Ryder
I got two coach tickets on a jet airliner
Cause if I got you I’m gonna be alright
If I got you, I’m gonna be alright

Goodbye to air we can barely breath,
We try, but is this really the life we thought it would be?
Life’s a rocket that flies on by,
You can’t slow it down or press rewind

I wanna find peace like Mahatma Gandhi,
Wanna drink champagne and be cool like Blondie,
Buy a backpack, let’s leave the country
Cause If I got you I’m gonna be alright
I wanna fly a kite off the wall of China
I wanna go shopping like Winona Ryder
I got two coach tickets on a jet airliner
Cause if I got you I’m gonna be alright
If I got you, I’m gonna be alright

Ghandi ~ Sarah Hudson