RIP Steve

Stephen E. Boccagna, 21, a lifelong resident of the Town of XXXXXXXXX, died on Saturday, Oct. 23, 2004. Mr. Boccagna was an emergency medical technician with Alamo Ambulance and a full time student at John Jay College of Criminal Justice in New York City. Educated in XXXXXXXXXX schools, he graduated from Roy C. Ketcham High School. Mr. Boccagna was an active member of the New Hackensack Volunteer Fire Department and a communicant of St. Mary’s Church. Born in XXXXXXXXXXXX on April 28, 1983, he was the son of Stephen E. and Kathleen Boccagna. His parents survive at home. In addition to his parents, he is survived by two brothers, Matthew Leuschner and Nicholas Boccagna, currently serving in the U.S. Navy in the Persian Gulf; his maternal grandmother, Clare Hackett; his paternal grandmother, Adelaide Boccagna; and many aunts, uncles and cousins. Calling hours are from 2-4 and 7-9 p.m. on Tuesday and Wednesday. The New Hackensack Fire Company will conduct a service during calling hours at 8 p.m. on Wednesday. A Mass of Christian Burial will be celebrated at 10 a.m. on Thursday at St. Mary’s Church. Burial will follow in St. Mary’s Cemetery. Memorial contributions may be made to the American Cancer Society.

We were sitting at the Masor Jar eating dinner when my mom called. All she knew was that there was a crisis at the firehouse, and my dad asked her to come help make sandwiches. When we got back into the county, I called her to see if they still needed help. She said one of the firefighters had shot himself that afternoon, but she didn’t know who. She was going home soon, but the members were still in the meeting.

I called Mike, but his cell phone was turned off. I don’t think he’s allowed phone calls on the ship, but I thought I’d leave him a message anyway. I didn’t tell him about the firehouse though. That’s a shitty way to find out. I just left him a random I-Miss-You-message. He’ll call when he gets back. Least he better.

When we got home, she told me who it was. I recgonized the name but couldn’t get a face. She said he was my age and went to my high school. So I pulled out my yearbook and remembered him. I only knew him as Steve. But I remembered him from around school. He was smart and really sweet. The quiet type, who just flit in and out of my high school memories.

His mom was down at a party in New York City somewhere and she didn’t even know yet. They didn’t want to call her and tell her down there. So I didn’t call anyone else. The bare bones story is he and his girlfriend went out driving. He pulled over somewhere and pulling out a shotgun, shot himself in the head. His girlfriend flipped and called 911, but all she could say was A medic’s been shot. I need help. He’s been shot. The call went dead and when they called her back, she was in so much shock, she couldn’t answer it. I don’t know anything beyond that.

I kind of want to ask my dad, but on the other hand I don’t. My dad’s been going to the firehouse almost every night this week. Yesterday he did go out though. He’s doing ok with it. As ok as you can be doing with it.

I didn’t lose it. Nitta and Kaba came over Saturday night when my mom told me about Steve. Nitta was really upset because she had just been kicked out. Between me and Nitta, it was a sombre group. Kaba and I had rented Ned Kelly but we decided to play video games instead. Maybe Nitta would be able to help us. She didn’t really, but she lightened up a bit. Ian called and he came over, too.

I didn’t lose it until Sunday morning. I drove past the firehouse. The board had a message on it and the flag was lowered. In loving memory of Firefighter Stephen E. Boccagna I broke down and cried all the way to church. It took me a few minutes to regain composure before going in. I called Rebecca on my way home from church. They were in the same class and I remember them being friends. She was shocked, but thankful that I called her. She is going to call some other people from their class and let them know. She knows who was friends with him and whatnot. But I’m sure it upset her too.

Its just really upsetting how many people I’ve known in high school have killed themselves. I don’t know if it happened as much in past years, but it feels like there are a lot. Maybe its something in the water around here that makes us depressed. Maybe its something else in the area that does this to people. It’s scary to think about that. And now Loren’s xanga has been all depressed. I wish she would get help because she needs it. But it won’t help her unless she accepts it to. Which she just isn’t ready to do yet. And I know cause I’ve been there. If I don’t want help, no amount of doctors and medicine will make this better.

I just really don’t want to go to another funeral.

Ordinary
-Ryan James
Album: What You Have It

I don’t want to be called ordinary
I don’t want to fall too quickly down
I don’t want to take this road before us
I gotta believe they’ll just ignore us
I don’t want to be called ordinary
You tried to adjust now we’re gonna make you trust us

Look into my eyes I know you’re lyin’
Your eyes are so closed so ya gotta go ’cause not a lotta people know I’m not a robot I gotta
Makin’ me believe we’re on our way
let me be me it’s easy-hear your sound all around but ya better settle down
How can you pretend that you have been through
tellin’ me what? and sellin’ a remedy-
everything we have we’ll just ignore you
it ain’t broke ya joke so don’t tread on me
I don’t want to be called ordinary
I just keep tryin’ but now you’re lyin’ no doubt-you’re out

I’m not gonna be called ordinary
I don’t want to be the one who
I’m not gonna fall too quickly down
smiles in style while I see through you
I’m not gonna take this road before us
You tried to claim us, rename us and
All they’re gonna do is just ignore us
make us famous but we’ll remain us
I’m not gonna be called ordinary
I won’t be the next to fall

I never meant to ever hurt you
though you made me cry, cry
And I never meant to desert you
though you made me try, try and I…

I…

…never meant to ever hurt you
Cut me inside it’s like I’m waitin’ and hatin’ that you’re just
though you made me cry, cry
anticapatin’ aggravatin’ me to leave you

And I never meant to desert you
Cut me inside it’s like I’m waitin’ and hatin’ that you’re just
I can see how you look at me baby
though you made me try, try
anticapatin’ aggravatin’ me to leave you
basically you don’t believe a word I

and I never meant to ever hurt you
Cut me inside it’s like I’m waitin’ and hatin’ that you’re just
say to you but I can’t undo what I
don’t you know the last thing I meant to
though you made me cry, cry
anticapatin’ aggravatin’ me to leave you
got myself into so go, stay, leave me
do was leave you alone but I I had no

And I never meant to desert you
Cut me inside it’s like I’m waitin’ and hatin’ that you’re just
I can see how you look at me baby
choice girl I can only last so so
though you made me try, try and I…
anticapatin’ aggravatin’ me to leavShe’s sneaky like that.”

Everyone chuckled, except Loren. Jerry nudge him with his foot. “Hey Stone Cold, why the long face?”

Loren turned and focused on Jerry. “Just thinking.”

Lena and Jerry exchanged glances. Tobin caught the exchange and yawned. “Ok, I’m beat.” He took out his wallet and placed a ten-dollar bill on the table. “That should cover me. It was nice meeting you guys. Lena, I’ll see you tomorrow right?”

Lena jumped up from the table and gave him a hug. “Yeah and Tobin, thanks for everything tonight. You were great.”

Tobin blushed a deep red. “Thanks, Lena. See ya.”

As he left out the door, Jerry turned to Loren. “So what are you thinking about?”

***********************************************************************

“So what do you think?” Brian watched Sara’s eyes drift over the dessert menu.

“Everything sounds so amazing, I don’t know what to choose!”

Brian turned to the waiter. “Can we have one of everything?”

“Brian! No, no, no. It’s between the homemade vanilla ice cream, fudge cake and keylime pie.” Her brow furrowed.

“One of each of what she listed and a frozen pear.” The waiter nodded and walked away.

“Brian, I don’t need to eat all that!” Sara protested as she put the menu down.

He shrugged. “So have little bites of everything. You deserve it.”

Sara smiled. “Tonight was amazing. Although, I think….”

“No more shop talk.” Brian put up his hands. “Its all we talked about through dinner and its all we’ll talk about tomorrow. No more.”

“So what will we talk about instead?”

“I don’t know. Anything you want.” Brian leaned back in his chair.

Using her best Valley Girl voice, Sara answered. “So, like, there was this really cute guy at the club tonight. And, like, he was totally like checking me out. Like you would not believe. And my girl Lena was like, “Oh my god. There’s like a totally hot guy like totally checkin’ you out.” And I was like “Oh my god. I know.” And she was like, “What are you like do?” And I was like, “I totally don’t know.” And then…”

Brian held his hands up in surrender. “Uncle! Uncle! You do that way to well for comfort.”

Sara laughed. “You said I could talk about anything I wanted.”

“Well, I don’t blame this guy for staring at you. You look absolutly amazing tonight. I almost forgot there was a band playing.”

“I thought we weren’t going to talk shop,” Sara teased.

“Its not shop talk. Its about you.” Brian looked seriously at Sara.

Sara blushed as the waiter arrived with their desserts. “I can’t believe you ordered everything. I don’t know where to begin.”

“You deserve everything and more. Start with the keylime pie. Finish with the fudge,” Brian recommended.

“This is heavenly,” Sara moaned as bite into the keylime pie. “I love keylime pie, but it was always a…I don’t know…simple dessert. This is heaven on earth.”

“You are heaven on earth,” Brian said, looking at her.

Sara paused mid-chew, then swallowed slowly. She put down her fork gently. “Brian. This isn’t going to work.”

A small band stated playing at the back of the restaurant. Brian took Sara’s hand and stood up. “Dance with me.”

“What? No, not in the middle of the restaurant with everyone watching.” But as she looked around the room, other couples were getting up to dance.

“Dance with me,” Brian repeated as he pulled her to her feet. He led her to the cleared space where other couples were already swaying gently to the beat. He wrapped his arm around her waist and pulled her close. His cologne filled her senses and she leaned into him.

“See, its not so bad,” he said softly.

“Brian, this isn’t…”

“Shhh,” he interrupted her. “Everything is possible on the dance floor.”

She grinned. “That sounds like a cheesy line from a bad movie.”

A smile broke his face. “Yeah, I picked it up somewhere. Probably Mystery Science Theatre.”

Sara rolled her eyes. “Brian, listen. I like you and everything, but I don’t think this is going to work.”

“What’s not going to work?”

“Us. You, me, together. I think its a bad idea.”

“Why?”

“Because you’re my boss,” Sara said.

“No, we’re partners with equal shares.”

“You put all the money into the club.”

“And you put all the brains,” Brian finished. “The place would have sucked if you hadn’t been there.”

“Fine. So we make great business partners. I don’t want to ruin a good thing.”

“What about making a good thing better?” The band switched into a waltz and Brian picked up their pace to keep time with the music.

“And what happens if things don’t work out? I don’t want to make things messy, especially because of the club.”

Brian shook his head. “For all intensive purposes the club is yours. I wouldn’t have been able to do anything without you.”

“For all intensive purposes, the club is yours. I wouldn’t have been able to do anything without you,” Sara argued.

“You mean without my bank account,” Brian said.

Sara sighed. “I won’t do it, Brian.”

“You don’t like me?”

“That isn’t the point.”

“So what is the point, huh? Look, I like you. And you like me. Why can’t we just try this and see where it goes? If it doesn’t work, at least we know we tried.”

“Yes, and when it doesn’t work and we end up fighting at work what happens? Lena becomes a human telephone so we don’t have to deal with each other?”

“Why would Lena become a… Look that doesn’t matter. We can cross that bridge when it comes to it.”

“No. We won’t come to it, because we aren’t going to do this.”

Brian growled and twirled Sara under his arm, pulling her back firmly. “What are you afraid of? This could be amazing and wonderful and you won’t give it a chance.”

“Because this could be horrible and devastating.” She turned her face from him. “I don’t want that to happen.” She pulled away from him and walked back to the table.

“Who did this to you?” Brian asked softly, following her. “Who hurt you so badly you won’t give me a chance?”

“Can we talk about something else please?”

Brian nodded, sitting down heavily. “So I met Lena’s boyfriend. He seems like a good guy.”

“Yeah,” agreed Sara, relieved at the topic. “He was with Loren in Korea and now they run the pool hall together. He is a really nice guy.”

“I didn’t realize Loren was in Korea.”

“Yeah, for 8 months. It was a long time, let me tell you. But he and Jerry are glad to be out. Jerry’s ready to settle down and have a family.”

Something clicked in Brian’s mind. “What about Loren?”

“Loren? He’ll always be a child. He was happy with the military, but when Jerry offered him the job, he resigned. It was perfect timing, too. He could then move here with me. No new roomies.”

“You said Loren liked the military.”

“Oh he loved it. He went all over the world and met all kinds of people. He’s got pictures and stories like you’d never imagine.”

“So why was he so willing to leave?” Brian asked.

“He said a lot of his friends were leaving and he wanted to settle down. I’m glad he came.” Sara took a bite of her dessert.

“Does he have a girlfriend?”

Sara laughed. “No. Not with going overseas every few months for 6 to 9 months at a time. I used to tease him that he was married to the military and would never find a wife. He now teases me that I’m married to the club.”

“You didn’t mind him leaving all the time?”

“Sure, I missed him. But I had a life, two jobs and friends. It was nice to have the apartment to myself.”

“And now? He’s around all the time.”

“Except that I’ve spent all my time at the club lately.”

Brian smiled. “Is that a request for vacation time?”

Sara shook her head. “Not at all. Opening a club is hard work and you needed me.”

“I do need you.”

Sara’s smile faded. “Brian. Don’t.”

“Fine, fine. Sorry. Have some more wine.”

***********************************************************************

Three hours later, Sara fumbled drunkingly with her keys in the door. Brian stood leaning against the brick wall with a goofy grin on his face. “I never knew you could do karaoke that well.”

Sara laughed. “I love karaoke. Espeically on shot night at the Chinese Idol. Where did they come up with a name like that?”

“American Idol? Chinese Idol? Who knows? But you definitly won tonight’s prize.”

Sara finally pushed open the door. “And what’s tonight’s prize?”

Brian leaned over and kissed her hard on the mouth. Sara pushed him away. “I told you not to do that.”

Brian grabbed her arm and looked deep into her eyes. After a moment, he kissed her again. Sara fought for a moment, then gave in. When he pulled away, she was breathless.

“You can’t tell me you didn’t feel something,” Brian said softly.

“You’re drunk. Go home,” Sara replied drunkly, as he kissed her again. She pushed him away and he bumped into the wall. “Do not do that ever again.”

She pushed the door open and stumbled into the house, locking the door behind her.