Let My People Go!

I am so utterly tired of people telling me I need to go back to school. I know its something I have to deal with because I won’t tell them the real reason why I don’t go back. But its my life damn it. I don’t need everyone and their mother telling me to go back. I have very good reasons for not going back. My medicine isn’t quite balanced out yet and I’m not stable enough. Which upsets me cause I want to be stable. And I know I’m not. But enough is enough. Leave me be.

And I don’t want to go back to “school.” I want to go back to music. I’m sick of classes on stupid stuff I don’t need anymore. I’ve taken enough math, history and english. I can live with what I have. Ok, maybe I could use a little more English. But not from a tiny teacher who “falls down sometimes” and who was raised when they still said “thee” and “thou.” I don’t need that aggrevation. But I also know that college is where I’m going to find more mature people than sitting at home with the stoners. Sometimes I seriously need some intelluctual conversation. That is why I think I really miss Manny so much. He was on the same level as me. We could debate things and discuss things. Although he was highly stubborn, and often made opinions into facts, I could always make the point that I believed what I did and he could believe what he did.

I want my faith back too. But its not going to come back. I think before I can ask anyone else for forgiveness, I need to first forgive myself. And I’m not so sure I can do that. I need CIA back. I need my Eric and Deb. The way we were….

But I know it will never be the same. I can’t read the Bible without going crazy and feeling like a hypocrite. And I can’t really explain everything to the people in my church. I still believe everything I did once. I just….I’m not what I used to be. I don’t believe what I believed as strongly as I used to. I have too many bandages covering my wounds. I can function and do what I must. But the wounds are there and fresh. And I can’t seem to heal them enough.

I just need to forgive myself before asking Him to forgvie me. And I just can’t forgive myself. And because I can’t do that, I can’t heal. And its even more frustrating because I know all this. I just don’t know how to forgive myself.

I wish I could explain how this song fits. It does but not in the most obvious way. But it fits me right now.

Thus saith the Lord:
Since you refuse to free my people
All through the land of Egypt…

I send a pestilence and plague
Into your house, into your bed
Into your streams, into your streets
Into your drink, into your bread
Upon your cattle, on your sheep
Upon your oxen in your field
Into your dreams, into your sleep
Until you break, until you yield
I send the swarm
I send the horde
Thus saith the Lord

[Moses]
Once I called you brother
Once I thought the chance
to make you laugh
Was all I ever wanted…

[Choir]
I send the thunder from the sky
I send the fire raining down

[Moses]
And even now I wish that God
had chose another
Serving as your foe on his behalf
Is the last thing that I wanted…

[Choir]
I send a hail of burning ice
On ev’ry field, on ev’ry town

[Moses]
This was my home
All this pain and devastation
How it tortures me inside
All the innocent who suffer
From your stubbornness and pride…

[Choir]
I send the locusts on a wind
Such as the world has never seen
On ev’ry leaf, on ev’ry stalk
Until there’s nothing left of green
I send my scourge
I send my sword
Thus saith the Lord!

[Moses]
You who I called brother
Why must you call down another blow?

[Choir]
I send my scourge
I send my sword

[Moses]
Let my people go

[Choir]
Thus saith the Lord

[Moses and Choir]
Thus saith the Lord

[Rameses]
You who I called brother
How could you have come to hate me so?
Is this what you wanted?

[Choir]
I send the swarm
I send the horde

[Rameses]
Then let my heart be hardened
And never mind how high the cost may grow
This will still be so
I will never let your people go

[Choir]
Thus saith the Lord

[Moses]
Thus saith the Lord

[Rameses]
I will not…

[Moses, Rameses, and Choir]
Let your/my people go!

The Plagues ~ Prince of Egypt Soundtrackknow how much there is. I’m not saying she created it all, because she didn’t. Life is drama and life happens. But she certainly did nothing to help the situations.

The whole point of this is that it hurts. I’ve already lost one friend to lies and manipulations (ok so Heather and I will never reconcil because she also broke a promise, but still) and now I’m losing another. Am I that naive? Am I that easy to walk all over? I get burned and to put in the words of Zach Braff in Garden State “Fuck it hurts.” I’ve never been one to trust people that easily. But after something like this and after the whole deal with Heather, it really makes me want to be a porcupine. It makes me introverted and very cruel to anyone who tries to get close. Thank God for Manny because he always fought through it. And now he’s here and he’s not going anywhere. The same goes for Megan, although her path was not as hard as Manny’s path. That just has to do with knowing Megan longer and the whole girl thing. But they are the only two people I completely and absolutely trust. Which is sad, really sad.

I don’t trust my dad. He’s broken my heart too many times. I let him is so far and I’ll always love him and forgive him because he’s my dad. But that doesn’t mean I trust him. I trust my mom, but only with so much and so far. She’s great, but she’s not in my head the way Megan and Manny are. Granted that is because I don’t let her in, but I’m not sure she could really handle everything in there. I’m not sure I want her to have to.

I’m not going back to my isolationism ways because I know I can’t survive, but I have to get help. I’ll get there eventually. I’ll make the neccessary phone calls and get the help I desperately need. But the question still plays in my head…

Am I really that stupid? To let someone manipulate me like that? To lie to me like that? Am I really that naive?

This song is my frustration song against Heather and now against Kaba as well. Listening to it this morning made me realise how alike the situations made me feel.

I’ve done everything as you say
I’ve followed your rules without question
I thought it would help me see things clearly
But instead of helping me to see
I look around and it’s like I’m blinded

I’m spinning out of control
Out of control
I’m spinning out of control
Out of control

Where should I go?
What should I do?
I don’t understand what you want from me
Cause I don’t know
If I can trust you
I don’t understand what you want from me

I feel like I’m spinning out of control
Try to focus but everything’s twisted
And all along I thought you would be there
(Thought you would be there)
To let me know I’m not alone
But in fact that’s exactly what I was

I’m spinning out of control
Out of control
I’m spinning out of control
Out of control

Where should I go?
What should I do?
I don’t understand what you want from me
Cause I don’t know
If I can trust you
All of the things you’ve said to me

I may never know the answer
To this endless mystery

Where should I go?
What should I do?
I don’t understand what you want from me

Is it a mystery?
Is it a mystery?

I’m spinning out of control
Out of control
I’m spinning out of control
Out of control
I’m spinning out of control
Out of control
I’m spinning out of control…

Where should I go?
What should I do?
I don’t understand what you want from me
Cause I don’t know
If I can trust you
All the things you’ve said to me

And I may never know the answer
To this endless mystery

Where should I go?
What should I do?
I don’t understand what you want from me

I’m spinning out of control
Out of control
I’m spinning out of control
Out of control

Out of Control ~ Hoobastank