the grief is still too near

I’m in such a weird mood still.

I don’t even remember what happened Friday night. I think that’s when Loren came over and we chilled. I’ve been working on rearranging my CDs. Finally finished that Saturday night. I put my favorite albums in one case all together so I don’t have to search through old stuff or stuff I don’t listen to anymore to find my favorite stuff. It will probably change as time goes on, as I get new stuff and get bored with the old stuff. I’ll also need another case cause the ones I have are pretty much full. I want to get an MP3 player. It would make listening to music so much easier. Organizing too and finding it, etc.

Saturday night I babysat for Jeremiah and Elaina. They are really cute although Jeremiah is a little on the hyper side for me sometimes. I feel bad sometimes cause I have to be so strict with him. But its ok I guess cause they are always asking their parents to get me to come back. Their dog Cleo doesn’t socialize much with other people besides the family. So she’s always been leary of me, but I think she’s getting used to me a bit. She doesn’t bark as much when I arrive and she doesn’t freak out after the kids are asleep either. We occassionally have staring contests, but I refuse to look away. I don’t want her to think I’m afraid of her. But I know if she were to attack me, I wouldn’t stand a chance. But intimadation goes a long way with her so its ok. I feel like I have an unholy alliance with her. I don’t bother her, she don’t bother me.

The kids had also missed their nap that day so they were worn out quickly. Early to bed for them. Which is good for me. I can relax on the couch. I always make coffee to help me stay awake and especially now to keep me warm. Their parents have told me I can go to sleep on the couch if I want and they will wake me when they get home. But the house is downtown in not a great section of the city. The house isn’t in the best shape. (They are having a house built for them.) I feel a little nervous falling asleep in case something was to happen. Not like anything has, but still.

The coffee kept me up that night and so I finished my CDs. I played at church the next morning, the same stuff I played at my grandad’s funeral. It was way too emotional I think.

LEGOLAS
A lament for Gandalf.

Merry
What do they say about him?

LEGOLAS
I have not the heart to tell you. For me the grief is still too near.

That’s excatly how I feel. I couldn’t explain why I played what I had choosen. It’s just to near the surface. My mom and I evidently were having the same bad day. I talked to Nancy a bit too. She lost her mom just before Grandad died. It was nice to be able to relate a little bit to someone who didn’t KNOW Grandad. I know Kaba can relate on some level, but the pain is not as near as it is for me.

Joe told me he could tell when I played with emotion rather than mechanically. He is still pushing me to go back to school and go professional. I don’t know though. I’m scared and I’m sick of “regular” school – English, Math, History. If I go to school, I would really rather go for music and just music – purely music. Or at least to a school that has a good music program. Calvin’s orchestra wasn’t that bad. And on a musical level, neither was the band. I just didn’t like the interpertation or the conductor himself. It made me seriously miserable. It has a lot to do with McN too.

Sunday afternoon was JJ’s wedding. It was….nice. Interesting but nice enough. The service was kind of annoying in the fact that, being a Catholic church, there were long pauses where nothing happened. They aren’t contemplative silences. They were uncomfortable silences. Ah, well. JJ seemed happy and so did Vic, so that’s whats really important. The reception was pretty good too. The food was amazing. But I ended up sitting at the end of a table with Kelly, Val, Dad and Mom. We had two extra chairs, which had their backs to the dancefloor. None of us had wanted to sit there. So I was next to Kelly, who kept leaning in to talk to Val and Dad and turning her back on me. Because the music was so loud (Damn stupid DJ) I couldn’t hear a word of what was said. Mom was suppose to sit next to me, but Daddy got all posessive. Jerk. I knew he would sit there and talk to Val and I would be left out of everything. I hate going to weddings without a date, or even a friend. Makes me realize how damn single I am. And how much I want to get married. But not just for the sake of being married. I want to be in love. JJ and Vic looked so happy and so in love. The damn DJ gave me a headacheand my neck started hurting and I wanted to go home before the dinner even came out.

Kelly was acting really immature too. It was pissing me off. She was freaking out because Art was dancing the Lillian. I’m gonna need years of therapy. I can’t believe this. They are not suppose to have personal lives. I kept wanting to scream GET A FREAKING GRIP! She was acting like my mom’s students act when they see her at the grocery store. They are almost amazed that she goes shopping. But they are in 2nd or 3rd grade. They are allowed that surprise. And no therapy is needed for them. Kelly’s just an idiot sometimes. And her complaining was making me more unhappy than I already was. I’ve kinda picked up on the fact that I reflect how other people are feeling. So Kelly was not helping. And my mom can’t dance with me. She doesn’t know basic swing steps. Least when I went with Deste last time, she could dance. And her parents danced with us so I didn’t feel like such a loser. And it was nice to at least have someone to sit by and talk to.

Ok – so I hate weddings. I think that’s been established. And I missed Charmed and Jack&Bobby. I really wanted to see both of them. I should have like backed out of the reception or driven myself or something. But I had been drinking so I wouldn’t have wanted to drive or anything.

So now its Monday. And I miss Manny. When it comes down to everthing, I really miss him. I hate this because I think its more the bipolarism and loneliness talking. It drives me crazy that I can’t even trust my own emotions. When I feel one way, I never know how real it is. Damn, this is way too frustrating for a Mondya. Or any day for that matter. And I love how my “friends” call. Loren does and even though I don’t always hang out at least I know she cares. She just checks to make sure I’m dealing okay. I told Kaba when I was in Florida that I would need people around when I got home, even if I tried to act like I don’t. Oh, well. I just hope what happened with the old gang doesn’t happen with Kaba. Push me out the door and stop calling. Grrrr….

Ok – I have WAY too many obits to check and I’m so behind in my work I feel like I should stay here overnight to finish everything.

No lyrics today. I’m listening to Symphony No. 1 – The Lord of the Rings by Johan de Meij. NOT THE SOUNDTRACK FROM THE MOVIE. Its awesome.