New Obsessions

So yesterday I didn’t get home till 10pm. I was at Chrissy’s trying to fix her computer. Its kinda acting like my mother’s stupid machine and I don’t know how to fix it all. But we did get an anti-virus program on the computer, so hopefully that will help a little. Computers are annoying. Even my laptop was acting up. I hope it doesn’t have a virus. The scan said everything was cool and all updates were ok. But I don’t like it when she acts up. Makes me worried. And so I got home last night and I only wanted to talk to Megan. But no one answered at her house. And I didn’t know if Manny’s grandma was ok or what. I’m so confused when it comes to that. But he said she’s going. He sounds pretty ok with it. I think its cause he knew it was coming. Its not a shocker. That and he has to stay strong for everyone else, bleh bleh bleh. And he says I block my emotions in. Talk about the pot calling the kettle black. Oh well. Boondock Saints seriously just help immensly. I was listening to the commentary last night while I fell asleep. Troy Duffy is a pretty amazing guy. He has set ideas and he doesn’t compromise them for other people. And honestly, he’s right – They’re funny so get over it. Sometimes making fun of yourself and others is the only way to relieve tension.

I called Mike too and left him a voicemail. I didn’t know if he would be awake or not. Calling him during the week is never really a good plan I’ve decided cause we’re both tired and stressed and phone conversations when we’re like that are just quiet and kinda pointless. We both know it. I’d much rather see him face to face. Even if we just watch a movie or play pool. At least its not as boring as sitting silently on the phone. I never really liked doing that with Manny, unless I was working. Smoking is bad for you. And I’m not really mad at Mike about this weekend anymore. I just wanted him to know that I was pissed about it. I didn’t want him to think I didn’t care. But I’m over it now. Actually, I think its because he wasn’t apologizing about it. He did his thing and I do mine. He’s not going to do or say whatever to keep me happy. He’s being brutally honest, which is what he warned me he would be. I actually made him speechless at one point though. I thought that was amusing. I can rarely make him not know what to say. He’s starting to act like he wants to go away in September though. More and more. I’m not going to stop him. I don’t want to lose people but I’m so proud of those who do go. Its a whole pride in my countrymen kinda thing. Thankful, supportive, whatnot. So in a way I kinda want him to go and do what he’s gotta do. But I don’t want to lose him. And lose him as in him dying or something. Even if nothing really comes of us, I don’t want him to die. That would be an interesting time.

Rick is going to die though. He signed his own death warrant when he didn’t have enough money to buy diapers for his daughters when he was out drinking the night before. Its just ridiculous. His mother may be right. New York is dangerous. Most guys out here will kill him for not supporting his kids. Its like a jail – murders and drug dealers will literally kill rapists and beaters. There are just some things even scumbags won’t put up with. At least if she’s here she has more support and more land to bury his body in.

I’m not even in a bad mood right now. Just a really strange one. Feel like I’m going to burst into tears any minute. Maybe its time for a crying fest. Wouldn’t be a bad release. I really want to go spend time with Mike. And I don’t want to be needy and shit like that. I need to talk to him. Face to face, not over the phone when both of us are dead tired from work. But he spends the weekends with his sister lately. Which makes me believe him when he says he’s going away in September. Who knows. I just want to know what he wants from me. Actions speak louder than words. He says he wants to spend time with me and he likes talking to me. But one – I don’t want to have another phone relationship. Its just too odd. I’ll write him if he goes away, but not a phone relationship right now. And he hasn’t really spent a lot of time with me lately. The last time I saw him was for 10 minutes at Stewart’s and before that was Mother’s Day when he took off in the morning. Which I understand. I really do. Mother’s Day is for Moms. I get that. But that was weeks ago. And I still haven’t seen him. I just want to know what he wants of me. Damn it I need to see him and sort this out. Ok – I need to find something else to obsess over cause this isn’t gonna change till I see him.

New obsession…new obsession…Apartment with Kaba. That’s what I’ll focus on. Its the better of the ideas cause thats something that needs to be dealt with. Maybe tomorrow or this weekend she and I can go look at someplaces. I need to get moving on that cause its already June. Or else I should just go with Megan when she goes in July. I really really don’t want to have Branden living with us either. Spending the night whenever he wants is one thing, but living with us is going to be cramped and annoying as hell. I can just tell already. And he needs to break up with Cindy or I’m going to break him up.

OK, ok, ok I need to go get back to work. Bleh. I don’t like work.

Work=money
Money=apartment
Apartment is a nessecity, so therefore I need to work. Ugh. Wish it was easier.

No more cutting. I promise – really….