The rocks formed the two girls and their mother

This weekend and I guess last weekend too (though they all seem to melt together) I’ve been a little hermit. Last weekend my parents went away and I called Russ to invite the gang over for a party and he said they were having one at Branden’s and told me I should come too. But then Manny called and wanted to talk. So I ended up not going. I stayed home and around 2am built a fire using wet wood. It smelled so good, but it was so hard to keep lit! But it was nice. I turned all the lights off and just sat on the couch listening to the crackle of the fire, and talkin to Manny, watching the fire fairys leap toward the sky. It was so calming and peaceful.

Then this weekend, I didn’t really feel like going out, although I think my parents kind of expected it. I ended up going to the video store and renting some movies and buying some movies. I liked everything I got but Gigli. I figured it would be a cute chick love flick and I mean with Ben Affleck you really can’t go wrong. This movie was the favor Ben gave to Jen for being her boytoy. I swear it was horrible. The movie ended and I couldn’t even believe how horrible it was. Affleck is a good actor, a good writer and a good producerdirector whatever he did. He’s quality. This movie was produced by Jennifer Lopez and sadly it showed how badly she needs to go back to singing and leave producing to the professionals. Ugh!! I was SOO disappointed and I wasn’t even expecting that much to begin with!

Anyway, the other movies were cute and fun to watch. I got Monty Python (classic humor!), How to Deal (its my chick flick indulgence), Down with Love (Austin Powers but with better taste and cuter actors!), A Man Apart (intense and confusing, but pretty good), Gigli (UGH!), and Mona Lisa Smile (how can you not love Julie Roberts?!). Mona Lisa Smile was really very excellent in my opinion. It was a great female cast that played beautifully off each other. And there was no typical happy ending, and everything wasn’t magically changed at the end. It was realistic and down to earth. Well, I liked it, but I am a Julia Roberts fan so that may have something to do with it.

So I spent the weekend listening to music, watching movies and fooling around on my computer. I had bad week last week and talking to Settle was so wonderful. I really love him. He’s my brother. That’s just the way it is, and Manny will have to get over it! 😉 And honestly, I miss Heather. I miss the good times we had and I miss talking to her and laughing with her. Every once in a while something will happen and I’ll laugh and realize that she is the only person who would understand why I was laughing. And there are times when I’m all manic and crazy and she’s the only person who could have dealt with me and gotten my sense of humor.

But as much as I miss her, I’m still really hurt. And I’m not sure I’m really ready to trust her again. I realize that she might read this and I think in a way I do want her to read this so she knows how I feel. I miss her a lot and I wish we could still be friends. But I think we both made mistakes and I know I’m not ready to wipe the slate clean yet. I’m still trying to trust my own instincts about people. I was wrong about Tim. And I really trusted Tim. And I was wrong aobut McN. And I really trusted him too. I guess I’m scared that I’ll be wrong about trusting her again. And I’m not even sure what excatly was said and what was not said. And maybe I’m taking the easy way out by just ignoring the situation and ignoring her right now. But I have so much stuff on my plate and so much scary crap happening to me, I don’t think I can handle anymore stress.

But then I feel weak. I’m suppose to be strong and stand up for people and be there for them. I’ve lost touch with so many friends who I thought would really be life-long friends. But I guess I’ve also kept friendships with people I wasn’t always sure I’d still be friends with. I suppose its just the way life is. But that uncertainty makes me so much more cautious with trusting people. And I’m going to take a big step soon and tell my family about my problems. I’m trying to figure out who I want to tell and who I don’t think really need to know and why do I even need to tell anyone. I want to tell some people, but I also don’t want them to treat me any different. For example, in the gang who are home, Russ is the only who knows about my problem. And everyone else just treats me like Kate, which is what I want. I don’t want them to walk on eaggshells around me and I don’t want everything I do wrong to be blamed on this problem either. So I think about who I want to tell and why should I tell them. I told Russ so that he can help watch me and keep an eye on me and be there when I need someone. Which is why he was so mad at me for not coming out this weekend cause he knew I was in a weird mood and I should have been around my friends. I told Brian and Manny so they can keep an eye on me too and help me when I need them. My mother told my grandparents and her sister because this all happened when she was away on vacation with them, so I think it kind of came blurting out. Which I don’t really fault her with. But I kinda feel like that added more pressure on me to tell the rest of the family. I’m more afraid they won’t understand how it is a problem and a condition not really a dis-ease as our pastor loves to put it. He explaination of a disease connects with how much you trust God and your faith in Him. Well, this “condition” makes me question if the man (who constantly tells me he loves me) really cares about me. And makes me wonder if the guy who ran up and down 9 flights of stairs for me actually cares what happens to me. So what’s to say that I question this unseen being’s love for me as well. It has nothing to do with facts and reality. This problem removes all that from my sense of the world. And so I struggle, as people judge me for not being strong enough and not having enough faith. Like this is something that I really can control.

I’m just all frustrated cause I had long talks with too many people this past week I think. Its just a lot to digest and I’m not sure I’m ready for any sudden changes right now. Too much has drastically changed in the past. I need some stability in my life right now. Sadly, Manny doesn’t give me that stability. He’s constant and he’s always there for me. But he makes my emotions go hay-wire and he makes me question a lot of the decisions I’ve made. And the worst thing is, its not because of anything he does or says. Its just the way we are. I love him so much and I often question my decision to stand by my faith. For me, Brian is constant and stable. Even when his life is upside down and crazy (History can eat my short shorts!!) he is still there for me and can calm me in ways other people can’t, and by other people I really mean Manny. Thankfully both Manny and Brian respect that. They may not understand that but they respect it and let it be the way I am.

Ok, I think this is long enough and I really am supposed to be working (oops!) but I needed to get this all out. So its out there.