Stress Levels

It’s really rather spectacular the amount of stress a body can endure before it gives. I keep expecting to fall apart any minute and just go nuts. But I’m still plugging along, adding worry on top of worry. There is so much on my mind. Things at work are crazy. People getting fired right and left. There have been two the past week and the scuttlebutt is there is one more coming. Therapy is ok, but Jenny has diagnosed me with a type of bipolarism and that’s kinda scary to actually now have a name to what my problem is. The church has picked its new associate pastor. I’m actually playing oboe again like its the extension of the soul I once had. My friends love me and I actually have friends. But at the same time, I’m retreating. I’m withdrawing into myself. I have an appointment tomorrow at the doctor’s. I’m really scared that there might be something wrong with me. The biggest dream of my life could be crushed. And I’ve told no one. I keep having strange dreams about Manny. God, I miss him. There is a hole in my chest that I know he’ll sense. He’ll try to fix it and he can’t. Its not his job and he can’t do it. And I don’t blame him for any of that. I just am withdrawing into myself. Severely withdrawing, which is NEVER a good thing. And Chevy was getting better, but he had a bad night. And I didn’t get to see him because Cindy and Mikey didn’t come back before I went home. And I’m trying to cry, but the stress level that has been reached doesn’t allow for crying. Its not one of my options right now. It used to be but I wouldn’t let it and now its too late. I can’t believe I’m still functioning on this stress level. Its almost like auto-pilot has kicked in and taken over; I have no more control. I want to talk to somebody, but there isn’t anyone there. And my grandparents are going back to Alaska. I miss Danny. I mean he may have driven me up the wall sometimes, but he always knew. He just knew. And he held me. The way Tim did. The way Matt did. Amazing, how they have all just up and left me. No wonder I don’t trust. I do trust to some extent. But there is now a definite wall built up that will never be crossed. I can’t let it down ever again. And after tomorrow’s doctor visit, I’ll know if it would even be worth it to let someone in again.
i’m so scared.

If I traded it all
If I gave it all away for one thing
Just for one thing
If I sorted it out
If I knew all about this one thing
Wouldn’t that be something