long overdue rantings

I’m so tired of pretty much everything. Including my best friend. You know thats when its time for school to start up and its time to stop spending every waking hour listening to her complain. She thinks her mother is this huge bitch. And she’s really not. Mom is just trying to get to know her daughter, and Feather is making it so damn impossible. I know she doesn’t respect her mother for who she is. And I can even understand that, I really can. But at least give her respect as a human being, as a person. She deserves that much and don’t try to tell me she doesn’t. I remember when Feather got this way back in high school. And I remember thinking, its just a phase. She’ll grow out of it. But just like Trevor, she seems to be growing into it. Her dog has a seizure and she screams for her mother. When her mother gets there, all she can do is bitch about her mother. Make up your damn mind. True colors are shown in tragedy, and I see that she just wants her mother. Cindy tries to simply talk to her daughter and Feather keeps pushing away, violently. I seriously wish they would just sit down and talk things out. Cindy needs to understand that Heather needs her own room, and Heather needs to understand Cindy does care about her. And why is it not ok for Cindy to smoke up, but its perfectly alright for her father? She’s being a hypocrite. I observed something which I know Cindy noticed too, cause she mentioned it. Before Heather came home, there was a relative peace in the house. Yah there was still fighting, but not as bad as its been since she got home. I’ve been over to the house a few times before she got home and everyone seemed to be doing really well. Even Chevy was doing better. And that really kills me. She complains that her mother calls her a selfish bitch. Well, sometimes I think she’s not far off. Heather is home, and out of school. She could offer her mother help, like picking up the house a little or doing something as simple as feeding her own ponies. She usually tries to pass it off to Casey or I’ll do it. But she can’t be bothered to help around the house a little. And then she bitches that her house is a mess. What the hell does she do all day? Oh right, start fights with her brothers. The morning I went to her house and she was holed up in her room was one of the most peaceful times since before she came home. We were laughing and having a good time. And Heather was complaining that they didn’t even ask her where we were going New Year’s Eve. If they had would she have answered? Probably not, just another smart ass remark or some yelling. Her mother knows that and so why bother asking and starting a fight. Well, that girl seriously needs to chill out and figure what she wants, cause all she’s doing is causing fights and anger in that house. And it is driving even me crazy. But there is absolutly nothing I can do, but listen to everyone and try to relieve the pressure a little by getting her out of the house and away from them. But what happens when she starts pissing me off too and I won’t take her out. She’ll have to deal. She acts like shes entitled to something in that house, but since she’s been home I’ve seen her do nothing to help them. Any of them. Some days I feel so old listening to her bitch.
Ok, enough with the friend rantings, I just really needed to get all of that out. I have my own problems to deal with and it seems like all she wants to do is complain about her home life. I don’t know what I’m going to do about Manny. He immed me last night while I was online and I almost didn’t im him back. I really don’t know what to do. He doesn’t mean to but like my father he just hurts me over and over again. They tear me down and destroy any good I see in myself. I’m the screw-up, I’m the fuck-up who can’t get her life back together and just move on with life. I do enough of that bashing without someone else putting it on me. The worst is that I don’t even know how they do this to me. I don’t know what excatly they say or what they do. If I could pinpoint it, maybe I could let it slide off my shoulders or tell them and somehow change everyone’s point of view, mine and theirs. But I don’t know what it is and my only line of defence is to pull away and pull back, protect myself the only way I know how. But I love them and I know they love me. I’m not mad at them, I’m just trying to protect myself. And I don’t know how to fix this. My dad and I have barely talked since like Christmas. We didn’t have an arguement or anything, we literally haven’t talked. I don’t know if Mommy said anything to him about the whole problem with Manny, but maybe. And I just don’t know what I’m going to do.
And this New Years I really missed Danny. I don’t really know why. I just desperately wanted to see him there. He usually made an appearance around this time and maybe its the knowledge that he is not coming at all makes it harder. I don’t know.
And I know I was a horrible girlfriend to Manny. I know I was a psycho who never seemed to know what I wanted and I know I treated him terrible. I wonder if I did the same thing Tim and thats why he broke up with me. Cause he found someone who isn’t psycho like me. And then I wonder, will I ever be a good girlfriend? Or am I just not meant to have someone. Maybe I’m so screwed up I will never be able to have a good boyfriend and a healthy relationship. I mean look at Danny, yeah that was a heathly situation. And Manny I really hurt, I know that. And Tim…Well I don’t know. I must have done something wrong. Maybe Matt was my one chance at love and now he’s gone forever. I used up my ONE. You know how they say everyone has that ONE perfect person they are meant to be with. Maybe Matt was my ONE and thats the end of it. I just don’t know. I don’t want to hurt anyone else. I’m tired of caring for someone and then hurting them. I wish for someone who will somehow fix all that and somehow make it better. Heather has guys basically at her feet, wrapped around her finger and she pushes them away. I don’t really know why and thats her issue she needs to deal with. But she has opportunity to be happy and I don’t. I guess on some level I really resent her for that.
Ok end of the ranting. I’m done for now.